Mending Bones and Raising Stats
by Truemmerphantom
Summary: And thus, after kicking a bear to Kingdom Come, the Future Green Beast of Konoha laid his eyes on a very grumpy baby with a zigzagged hairline and a penchant to emit impressive levels of Killing Intent. A few years later, the newly (re-)born Kaguya-clan member in question screws around with message boxes and other peoples heads. SI-OC / Gamer
1. Arc 1: Prologue

**Hi there.**

Recently, I have read so many [Gamer] and self-insert-reincarnation-FanFiction that these concepts rooted themselves so deep into my (insane) mind...

Who am I kidding? I decided to throw some concepts together and 'do my worst'.

Anyways, before I bore you to death with ten pages of ramble, I'll leave you to that little monstrosity here.

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own Naruto, The Gamer, Golden Sun, Nintendo, my life, my freedom... wait.

* * *

Afternoon / Weather: Rain / Forest

Newly born human children from every universe known to mankind (and all the unknown ones) should be really, really grateful for the fact that they don't really know what exactly happens during the traumatic event that is their birth. Obviously, there _can_ exist the odd ones who remember the sensation of their birth for the rest of their existence, but still... everyone else can be happy! Because being _re_ born while being conscious is most certainly not an experience I would wish upon my worst enemy.

... Not that that is saying much, since my worst enemy is the secret boss from the Golden Sun series (curse yourself, Dullahan!), buuut...

But what? I actually have no Idea. Capital I.

Fact is: Count yourself lucky that you most likely completely forgot every sensation and impression you felt and _felt_ during your birth. No, seriously, trust me: You are better off without these early memories!

So, with that out of the way, why do I recite a monologue inside my head? Well, I simply have nothing else to do... and because of **this** :

 **] - Congratulations - [**

You lived such an uneventful and obnoxiously slothful life in front of your computer, doing nothing but writing horribly worded stories and distracting yourself with playing RPGs set on the lowest difficulty.

No, seriously, you did a very good job in assuring the continued survival of the human race by choking to death on a chicken's bone before you cold procreate.  
Excellent job, minion!

Unfortunately, neither heaven, hell or absolute nothingness are interested in a slacker like you, so you are going to fix that. Have fun in the elemental Nations!

...

Oh, and some words of advice:

It is dangerous to go alone...

Take this.

 **Space-Time bending Kekkei Mora unlocked!  
[ - The Gamer - ]**

 **] - - - [**

Lovely. A Random Omnipotent Being decided to mess around with someone's (my) soul, a random world and probably lots of other things, because Why. The Hell. Not?

Obviously, that is how I ended up in the death grip of my recently deceased mother, surrounded by the sounds, leaves, birds, trees, woodland critters, bears, dinosaurs, stormtroopers, rebels, bandits, pirates, acolytes, hawks, forest fires, wolves, thirst induced illusions and a headache inducing invisible cloud of radioactive waste. Or, in a nutshell, I lay in the grip of a corpse in a forest in the land of _Villager-knows-nowhere_! (Yes, I over exaggerate a lot.)

The fact that it is raining also doesn't help all that much to better the mood.

The worst of all though: If I survive, I have to go through puberty!

Again!

 ***Ding!***

 **Through continuous ranting inside your head and subconsciously materializing your irritation outside of your body, a new skill has been created!**

 **[Project Killing Intent] [Lv.: 1] [** PP to Next Lv.: 95 **]  
[Active] [CP/m: 5]  
**Project your 'intent to kill' at your enemies... or everyone in general.

Enemies 10 levels lower than you will be rooted in place for **0.5** seconds upon activating this skill.  
You are able to intimidate puppies and civilian toddlers.  
During combat, the chance of enemies focusing on you is increased by **10%**.

 **[ - - - ]**

... Seriously? I learned a skill while being... not even two or three hours old?

... On the other hand, why am I complaining?

Well, speaking of skills, let's open the Stats menu, shall me? After all, I just have one day more to live before I starve to death.

 **] - Status - [**

Name: K. _ Lv.: 0 [Exp to next Lv.: 1000]  
Age: 0  
Class: The Gamer  
Title: Orphan

HP: 75 / 75 (0.09/s)  
CP: 25 / 30 (0.01/s)

STR: 0 / VIT: 1  
DEX: 0 / AGI: 0  
INT: 8 / WIS: 16  
Luck: 1

Stat Points: 0

 **Passive Abilities**

K_ Origins  
 _Something is differentiating you from other children._  
HP-Regeneration is increased from 0.01% to 0.125% of the maximum HP per second. This bonus is not available if [The Gamer] suffers from Chakra Exhaustion.  
-20% Damage taken by physical attacks. This bonus is not available if [The Gamer] suffers from Chakra Exhaustion.  
\+ 1 Strength per Level  
\+ 3 Vitality per Level

Traces of Autism  
 _This definitely differentiates you from the majority of the other children.  
_ +15% Exp gained from all sources (except abilities)  
+100% Progress Points towards subjects of Interest and everything related to them  
-50% Progress Points towards subjects of disinterest  
[The Gamer] can be easily distracted  
[The Gamer] will happily ignore all **Killing Intent** received  
[The Gamer] may avoid large crowds. ( _"Too much noise... and activity..."_ )

Chakra Hypersensitivity  
 _"So that's what the fallout outside and the apple juice inside of me is."_  
[The Gamer] is a natural, passive Chakra Sensor  
+25% Progress Points towards subjects in the skill subcategory **Chakra Sensing  
** +25% Progress Points towards **Chakra Control Exercises**  
-25% Progress Points towards Ninjutsu with Handseal-Requirements (The heightened awareness of Chakra prevents most subconscious Chakra movements. May be nullified in the future)  
+20% increased damage taken from Ninjutsu.  
Character may respond allergic towards injections of foreign Chakra. (Medical Ninjutsu etc.)

Gamer's Body  
 _"Up Up, Down Down, Left Right Left Right, A B..."_  
Allows one to live one's life like a game. After sleeping in your bed, HP and CP will be completely refilled and _most_ status ailments will be cured.

 **] - - - [**

...

Well, at least the Fire Nation will not attack this world - since I know of only one world who refers to their mental, reality bending energy source as chakra and the world of the Last Airbender isn't it - , but being born into the world of Naruto has its own dangers... On the other hand, seeing that my first passive ability lets me regenerate my entire HP-pool within _13 minutes and 20 Seconds_ is just completely nuts... I mean... Seriously? Even Naruto freaking Uzumaki doesn't have that kind of Regeneration... Does he?

( _Well, if he draws on the reserves of his tenant... Didn't Kurama completely regenerate a ball sized hole on Naruto's stomach within seconds? Jinchuriki OP._ )

The second ability which is also completely nuts is [Traces of Autism]: I can learn techniques twice as fast if I want to learn them! How awesome is that?

... Actually, that ability might bite me in the behind later on, now that I think about it.

[Chakra Hypersensitivity]... It was its advantages and drawbacks. I am able to learn control techniques faster but I also take more damage from fireballs. Simple as that.

Being able to sense Chakra itself is nice, too. I guess if one is very, very dedicated, they could gain a sensitive enough sense that they would be able to 'see' the chakra pathways of other persons _and_ map out the surrounding area based on the natural chakra filling the air. One could even effectively use Juuken.

Just think about an Uchiha wearing a blindfold and being highly capable in chakra sensing AND able to effectively use Juuken. He could trick opponents into believing he was a Hyuuga with oddly colored hair (if he hasn't dyed it) before removing the cloth, Amaterasu everything and going all Susanoo on them if they still stand. The trolling potential is real!

Likewise, if a Hyuuga were able to become a master in multitasking... Reading four _unopened_ books at once, for example, might be a real possibility.

...

So, I should probably observe everything around me more... right?

But what for?

...

Well, I could take a closer look at the corpse I am lying on top of in order to find out some clues about my parentage, since I was preoccupied with far more pressing concerns before (short story: I reek)...

Actually, I am doing that right now. Better now than never.

My... biological mother of this life has shoulder length, whitish dark gray hair, divided by a zigzag-like hairline. A pair of slender, equally whitish dark gray eyebrows grace her face as well as a pair of red (tattooed?) dots above them. Her facial skin on the other hand is unnaturally pale, most likely due to blood loss...

She isn't lying inside a pool of blood, meaning that she had delayed her untimely death, escaped whatever decided to hunt her down, managed to hide somewhere and then I came along... That, or the paleness comes from the simple fact that she is dead for quite some time now. Well, she lays in the mud now.

... Actually... has it to be blood loss that ended her? Or was it just me? If it was just me...

Well, great then. Already killed someone. I am not even half a day old.

Anyways... how many clans within the Naruto-verse exist which's members display two red dots on their foreheads, have a zigzag-hairline and most likely are born with a ridiculously high health regeneration factor and boosted physical defense?

I'll be honest: Before my death, if I had not read a lot of FanFiction _and_ open the Narutopedia for reference on some characters, I wouldn't have been able to answer this question: Either I am The grand-grand-granddaughter of Kaguya, the progenitor of chakra herself, thus most likely making me an Ootsutsuki, or my mother was an exiled member of the Kaguya clan. To avoid any kind of unnecessary headache, I'll go with the second clan option. The letter 'K' definitely fits.

 **] - Congratulations - [**

For using that pathetic excuse of a brain of yours to come to the correct conclusion, one of your abilities has been updated:

 **Kaguya Origins  
** _"Drink your milk!"_  
NEW: Grants access to the 'Death Bone Pulse'

 **Your Wisdom has also increased by** **1**.

 **] - - - [**

...

So, I am a nameless Kaguya, don't know who my father is and my mother died during childbirth. I have access to a very powerful Bloodline Limit _and_ live through my life as if it was a game. Stats and all.

Can it get any more cliché? Death parents so that the Random Omnipotent Being doesn't have to explain my presence, _but_ creating some form of sympathy-nonsense, making me a 'poor, lonely orphan' that has to be protected? Oh, and let's throw in some _god forsaken_ rain for the dramatic effect!

...

Well, since that is out of the way now, I'll then do my best at delaying the Kaguya-clan's _complete_ extinction. Not that I can do a lot right now, but it is the thought that counts... right?

*sigh*

So, since I continue to slowly starve to death, are there other points of interest nearby? Other than fallout, insects, more fallout, so many trees that you can't see the forest behind them and, in case I had not mentioned it yet, more fallout?

 **] - Quest Alert - [  
Major Quest**

 **(Lv. 1) Cry, cry,** _ **cry**_ **while you can**  
Pick a god and pray!.. Or increase your survival chance by making your presence known to the patrol resting near your position.

 **Quest Rewards**  
Greatly increased life expectations  
10Exp

 **Quest Failure  
** Death

 **Major Quests cannot be refused**

 **] - - - [**

... That might be something of interest.

Well, there is only one real choice here. Gotta do what normal babies do...

*Atshuu!*

" _Pick a god and pray!_ " it is.

* * *

Dusk / Weather: Rain / Forest

*Atshuu!*

How many hours have passed since I got... _dumped_ into this world? Six? Seven? Two? Well, since then I aquired three debuffs:

 **] - Current Ailments - [**

 **Common Cold (Severe)** (-90% Chakra regeneration, -35% Dexterity, -40% Agility),  
 **Hypothermia (Medium)** (-60% Hp-regeneration, -35% Strength) and  
 **Thoroughly Soaked** (+100% Damage received from Electricity and Raiton-Techniques, +50% Effectivity towards **Chill** -effects received).

 **] - - - [**

I wish I could say something positive about that topic, but there simply isn't something positive to report. Forget the whole " _Starving to Death_ "-idea: I will _freeze_ to death before that happens. No, seriously, my probalby-six-hours-old body is _not_ made for resisting the cold.

At least the nightly predators will have a fine meal... as well as the insects and worms afterwards.

Aren't I pathetic?

*Atshuu!*

I am hungry, I am exhausted, I am tired... and I am a baby. All because I was stupid enough to choke myself to death on a chicken's bone.

Still don't know what exactly triggered my first (?) death. Probably got pwned somehow... Something of an 10%-instant-death-aoe-attack that annihilated my entire party? Sounds about right. Such an unbelievable small chance... almost as bad as a Paralyze triggering six times in a row while the enemy's Rotom proceeds to use Double Team... Or the "Lunatic Plus"-difficulty in the newer FE-games... Given, Fates' version of Lunatic is tame compared to Awakening, but still...

*Atshuu!*

In the abysmal chance that I get picked up by the patrol, be brought back to their village and then NOT integrated into some form of underground organization, I'll have to reverse-engineer the Thoron spell. A lance consisting out of nothing but electricity sounds like an amazing way to pierce all kinds of defenses... and it would be flashy. Then again, without an efficient conductor - or without a conductor at all - the lance might be hard to control...

Bones conduct electricity... do they?

*Atshuu!*

I am running out of topics here and the primal urge to start crying like the little maggot I am gets harder and harder to suppress. I already have picked my god and prayed, god darn it!

Also, as soon as I cry, the woodland critters who do NOT already know where I reside will know where I reside... and the prospect of freezing to death sounds multiple times better than be torn in half. No, thank you.

 **For thinking things through before blindly rushing into things, your Wisdom increases by 1.**

... Seriously? I haven't done a darn thing!

*Atshuu!*

Not that it matters, anyway. My sneezing might or might not draw the attention of the nightly predators to me...

...

That means, it also doesn't really matter if I cry or not. At best, the patrol - if they had not already become cautious through my sneezes - would investigate and elongate my life by a few years (or seconds if they want to spare me a violent death). At worst...

 ***Grrrr***

At worst that bear in the clearing will have a somewhat filling snack.

...In situations like these, when you managed to gain the full attention of a very hungry looking brown bear, there are only so many things a six hour old infant can and will do.

Natural urges...

 _ **"**_ _Wa_ _ **aaAAA!"**_

You win.

The bear trampled closer and closer to me and the corpse, its stench practically noticeable in the entire forest...

And it is at that exact moment...

 ***grrrrr***

...in which I realize...

 **"Dynamic entry!"**

 ***splat***

... that there is a foot stuck in its head.

The foot of a person...

A person with a big eyebrow...

A big eyebrow with a twin besides id...

Two big eyebrows who are friends with a hairy bowl... and shiny teeth...

 **] - Congratulations - [**

Through continuous observation of your surroundings, a new skill has been created and added to your list.

 **[Observe] [LV.:1]** [PP to Next Lv.: 90]  
 **[Active]**  
A Skill which allows the user to gather more detailed information about persons, landmarks and items. The higher the Level of this skill, the more information will be displayed. May not work on severely higher leveled allies and opponents.

 **] - - - [**

 **] - Status - [**

Name: Maito Gai Lv.: 34  
Age: 14  
Class: Chunin  
Title: Budding Tajutsu Master

HP: ?  
CP: ?

STR: ? / VIT: ?  
DEX: ? / AGI: ?  
INT: ? / WIS: ?  
Luck: ?

 **] - - - [**

 **] - Quest Complete - [**

 **(Lv.: 1) Cry, cry,** _ **cry**_ **while you can**  
Your prayers had been answered.

 **Quest Rewards**  
Greatly increased life expectations  
10 EXP (+ 10% + 15%) =  
~13 EXP

 **] - - - [**

...

I need a looong nap.

* * *

Night / Weather: Rain / Forest

Genma

Team Chouza (minus Chouza) were currently jumping through the dark forest. Before, on the insistence of their spandex wearing friend, they had decided to camp in the woods instead of sharing a warm, homemade meal in a tavern. Now though...

"Just patrolling the border," they said. "It's the border with the least activity," they said. "Nothing of interest here," they said.

Of course, _on the way back_ from the border, back to their home towards from the Kyuubi-attack recovering Konoha, Gai, tasked to hunt for food, stumbles over the _fresh_ corpse of a Kiri-Ninja. Well, Ebisu thought it was a Shinobi from Kirigakure, what with her being able to pass through "the border with the least activity" unnoticed... and her most likely once being affiliated to a certain clan filled with bloodthirsty, warmongering berserkers, if the two red dots on her forehead were any indication.

Oh, and then there is the baby. A scrawny, little thing. Not even a day old and already reeked like wet cow's shit. Thoroughly soaked by the rain and nothing but a sneezing, shivering bag of pale pink flesh. Yes, Genma wasn't all that fond of little kids, but that dislike came more from the D-ranks he had to endure during his 'Genin-days'...

After meeting Maito Gai, Uchiha Shisui became a handful, let's leave it at that.

(Genma could understand why Gai wasn't allowed to enter the compound ever again, but why were he and Ebisu banned as well?)

Back to the topic at hand.

How had a woman in her _latest stage of pregnancy_ bypassed the border without anyone noticing? Even _if_ she had been a trained ninja, it would have been sui...cide... to... cross the border... in her condition...

"Had she **water-walked** from a boat to the shore?" Ebisu spoke up. " I mean... the ocean is only three hours away from the position she... succumbed. Chakra exhaustion?"

"Well," Genma started, "it would explain why we haven't tracked her during our stay at the peninsula. It doesn't explain why she hadn't chosen to wait and stay at a harbor though."

Gai was uncommonly grim as he jumped from branch to branch. "Some of her clothes were singed. Her vessel could have caught fire and she had to resort to using Chakra in order to survive."

"And if she had set the vessel on fire herself?" the somewhat fresh, sunglasses wearing Chunin added.

Genma merely nibbled at his Senbon and gestured one of his hand to a specific scroll on Ebisu's belt. "Leave that question to the corpse diggers. The more pressing matter," the oldest member of Team Chouza (without Chouza) gestured at the sleeping infant in Gai's arms, "is currently tugged into our tajutsu master's spare jumpsuits. Seriously, Gai, how many of these things have you brought to this mission?"

The future 'Geen Beast of Konoha's' answer was the typical thumbs up and his winning smile, which _somehow_ reflected the _sun_ 's light. (Genma had given up on making sense out of this phenomenon a long time ago.) "Genma-kun, one can never be prepared enough for the youthful adventures waiting for us!" Maito Gai then became serious again. "The girl will not succumb to hypothermia anymore, but that cold might prove to be a problem."

"Has she been fed?"

Genma and Gai glanced at their sunglasses wearing teammate as they continued to jump through the treetops.

Ebisu continued. "I-I mean, wouldn't it be a waste of time if we go out of our way to rescue a small child just to have it fall to starvation right at our doorstep?"

A beat.

"As always, you are right, my Youthful Friend. I s **hall** -"

Genma cut off the loudest member of their team. "Gai, keep the volume down. The last thing we need is for our guest to start crying." The spandex wearing Tajutsu practitioner promptly shut up. "But yes, we should give her _something healthy_ to drink."

Genma wouldn't hear the end of all this if the kid starved within Gai's arms... Neither from said faithful member of the Holy Church of Youth... or the old fossils from the council if they ever found out that they had a potential bloodline bearer in their possession and _let a potential future asset die_.

 _'I hate politics.'_

* * *

Morning / Weather: Overcast / A small town

? ? ?

The smell of alcohol lay heavy in the air and loud groaning alerted a student of the impending awakening of her brown eyed teacher. The beginning of a normal day.

As always, the student filled two cups with tea and hoped that she had hidden the stash of liqueur well enough from her teacher, all the while trying to balance a few grains of sugar over another using only her Chakra. The shuffling through the lower cabinets within the kitchen mere minutes later announced the student's impending failure of the second task.

The student proceeded to empty the contents of a small flask into one of the cups of tea, stirred, offered the other cup to her teacher who would now pass her position...

"What in the-"

Except she didn't.

Glancing up from her position, the student searched for her teacher and found her inebriated gaze fixated at something happening on the other side of the window. The student, curious, stood up, made her way beside her mentor and followed her gaze with her own.

There, outside, a spandex wearing... individual balanced a multitude of baby articles with one foot while simultaneously doing pushups on one hand. A sunglasses wearing Chunin did his best to scold the individual, to no avail. Meanwhile, another Chunin, this one with a senbon hanging out of his mouth, fed an infant with a bottle of milk. The last sight would have been somewhat normal if the infant hadn't been cocooned into dozens of green spandex suits.

The student stared at the bottle in her teacher's hand... and then at the poisoned cup of tea in her own... just to stare at the bottle again... before glancing back at the cup.

"Shizune, we leave."

Sighing, the dark haired pupil of the Slug Princess downed her tea.

At least, she could work on her resistance towards poisons while they are dodging the debt collectors. As usual.

* * *

 **Author's Notes**

* * *

Hi there. Again.

As you can see, the insert is a lazy *ss... and hasn't realized yet that his gender had been switched... Or that (s)he has to learn speaking Japanese. Then again, food and sleep are more important.

Yes, I gave the character the 'Shikotsumyaku' - the Death Bone Pulse -, passive Chakra sensory and a perk that slows almost all progress down... or doubles it. Part of it originates from another Idea I had (Gamer!Uchiha, Sharingan always active, Character gradually becomes blind after unlocking Mangekyu (Set: Kamui), Difficulty-Settings are insane (First C-rank: Sanbi, Sasuke-Retrival: Tenseigan!Kimimaro, ...) and the like) and the other part... making this character a Kaguya...

Yea, I have more or less stolen that. ^_^  
(/ s/ 11141738/ 1/ The-Gamer-of-Sunagakure)

Why is the health regeneration factor so high?  
The techniques of 'Death Bone Pulse' will have HP-requirements additional to the CP-requirements. (You are ripping your spine out, after all.)

Will this be an OP!OC-story?  
Maybe, maybe not. Gai will make sure that the OC won't die in Gaara's sand coffin though, so... eh. Who knows. She won't enter the academy with Lv.: 57 though. Most definitely not, especially since she won't gain any experience if the mission's levels are 10 levels lower than her own.

(Mob/Mission Exp + Mob/Mission Exp*( (Mob/MissionLv. - CharacterLv.)*0.1) )  
After completing the quest, the character got 13 exp instead of 12.65 Exp since I round this value up. Since she was Lv.: 0, she got 10% more Exp before the passive 15% came into play.

Alright, that is it for now.

Next up:

 _'Don't you dare giving me a bowl cut!'_

The Hokage gains more paperwork to sign.

Have a nice day.

And thank you for reading my ramble.


	2. Arc 1: Adoption

Hi there.

Guys, you are amazing. 11 Reviews, 48 Favs and 72 Follows after barely nine days? If I could, I would give you all a piece of cake right now.  
Alas, electronic transfer of cake is not possible at the moment and I doubt GLaDOS will share hers, so... I hope I will live up to your expectations instead.

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own Naruto, The Gamer, Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft, The USA, my time, the air I breathe... wait.

* * *

Morning / Weather: Sunny / Hokage Tower

[The Gamer]

Three days have passed since my... _re_ birth into this strange world. During these three days, I came to some rather obvious conclusion.

First off, Gai is insane... scratch that, he gives the whole definition of the word 'insane' a whole overhaul. Honestly, why did he wrap me up into _twelve_ of his spare spandex suits if he was emotionally attached to them? He should've known that I currently have very limited control over my bladder. (The training suits are lost causes, I can tell that much.)

Second, Genma is _really, really_ good at that whole childcare thingy. He knows how to carry me around _without_ making me throw up (Ebisu doesn't get any sympathy from me), protects my cheeks from old, ravaging harpies (well, _only_ the old ones) and he knows the television stance (child carried with the left arm, bottle in the left hand, right side can do whatever it wants). No, seriously, out of anyone of the three, Genma is the best at taking care of children. Gai, confusingly enough, is a close second. Ebisu on the other hand... It is better left unsaid. (Absolutely. No. Sympathy.)

Third, only Ebisu knows _what_ and _how much of what_ is actually needed to take care of a child. Gai however tends to get very, _very_ excited and comes back with far more than what is actually needed for two to three days of childcare. Far, _far_ more.

Fourth, being very, very, _very_ sensitive towards chakra... The ensuring headache is nothing to sneeze at, let's go with that. It also puts me in a very bad mood... well, bad enough that the skill [Project Killing Intent] reached Level 2.

 **[Project Killing Intent] [Lv.: 2] [** PP to next Lv.: 105 **]**  
 **[Active] [CP/m: 5]  
** Project your 'intent to kill' at your enemies... or everyone in general.

Enemies 10 levels lower than you will be rooted in place for **0.6** seconds upon activating this skill.  
You are able to intimidate puppies and civilian toddlers.  
During combat, the chance of enemies focusing on you is increased by **12.5%**.

 **[ - - - ]**

(I swear, if this continues to be a thing, I will give Zabuza a run for his money.)  
(Wasn't Himawari able to intimidate _Kurama_? Gotta ensure she will be born.)

Oh, and number five:

 **Sarutobi Hiruzen (Lv.: 145)  
God of Shinobi**

I. Am. Screwed.

* * *

Hiruzen

Sarutobi Hiruzen, Third Hokage, Monkey, Professor and justified holder of the title 'God of Shinobi' accomplished many things during his life. He survived the First Shinobi World War, acquired knowledge of all techniques known and/or utilized in Konoha, lead the hidden village through the Second and Third Great Shinobi Wars, _retired_ , fought toe-to-paw against the nine tailed fox, took back the hat after his successor sacrificed himself and currently administers the rebuilding of The Village Hidden in the Leaves.

Despite his accomplishments, he had yet to find a way to effectively deal with his most persistent enemy: Paperwork.

He had already tried the most obvious choice, but his Shadow Clones tended to commit suicide in the most painful ways imaginable... or lit their pipes and stared out of the window while their creator continued to suffer.

How had Minato done it? How had his teacher, Senju Tobirama, done it?

Well, all these things didn't matter at the moment. Right now, he had to decide over the iminent future of an infant... again. And no matter the choice, the piles of paperwork would multiply... yet again.

Should the worst case scenario occur... How do you explain (accidental) bloodline-theft? Wars had been started for less.

And even when Hiruzen would send the baby AND the body back to the Village Hidden in the Mist, there is no guarantee that it would all end in peaceful affair... Not to mention that his old teammates, Danzo and the council in general would demand an answer for sending a potential asset away... or if he would silently dispose the girl, come to think of it.

 _'I hate politics.'_

"Chunin Maito Gai, Chunin Shiranui Genma, Chunin Ebisu." The team of Chunin once taught by Akimichi Chouza stood at attention. Hiruzen continued. "You were stationed at the southeastern border." Three 'affirmatives' of varied volumes came from the Chunin. "You were setting up your camp and Chunin Maito Gai, tasked to hunt for food, 'stumbled' over the corpse of a Shinobi from the Hidden Mist... and what you guess to be the Shinobi's child. Correct?" Again, three affirmatives. "Without wasting a second, you decided to depart immediately, bring the corpse back for further investigation and 'rescue' the child, because, and I quote, 'it was the youthful thing to do'."

Maito Gai answered with an 'Affirmative' while the other Chunin covered their faces with one of their hands. "Gai," Shiranui Gemna began, "from now on, you will never write a full team report ever again. Understood?"

From what the head of the Sarutobi clan could observe, the tajutsu practitioner didn't.

"Furthermore," the God of Shinobi continued, "you also obtained a town's entire supply of diapers," more glares at a nodding Gai, "more than fifty cartons of milk," Gai nodded, the Chunin glared, "ten sets of 'every youthful toy' you came across," even the child in question, currently laying in Genma's arms, seemed to glare at the spandex wearing Ninja, " _a_ volume of 'Icha Icha Paradise'," this time, Gai and Genma glared at a nodding Ebisu, much to the baby's confusion, "a crib, a pot, three-hundred-fifty-seven pacifiers, forty-two towels, twenty-four 'youthful' training suits of varying color schemes and sizes," did the child actually emit killing intent now? "nineteen sets of baby clothing, three sets of bottles for each day of the week, multiple series of childcare books," Hiruzen closed the report, "amongst various other items, which you all decided to deposit in my office."

While Genma and Ebisu both shoved the blame to Maito Gai, said spandex wearing tajutsu practitioner, seemingly oblivious to his teammates' antics, nodded.

 _'If the other Kage would see me like this... Onoki wouldn't let me live that down anytime soon.'_ Hiruzen sighed inwardly. _'This would all be so much easier if they had brought a_ normal _orphan back to the village - or none at all, come to think about it -, but no, it had to be a Kaguya.'_

"The orphanages are at full capacity, sending her back to Kirigakure would end up in a political disaster, keeping her might end in a political disaster, I doubt a clan would raise her without trying to gain a massive political advantage and the girl is far too young to live on her own." _'and I can tolerate only a set amount of stupidity each day...'_ the Hokage added the last part in his mind. Hiruzen couldn't send her back (or dispose her) without Danzo getting wind of it - because, let's face it, he knows of everything happening in- and outside of the village - and Kiri would get mad _if_ they found out they had 'stolen' a bloodline.

...

 _Once_ they found out.

"Gai, you are _fourteen!_ "

"Genma-kun, I am perfectly capable to fan the flames of youth within our child."

"...You are missing the point..."

 _'Hmm...'_ Sarutobi Hiruzen evaluated the three Chunin once more before coming to a conclusion. _'No, none of them is perfect material to raise a child. Kami only knows what-'_

The God of Shinobi immediately stopped his train of thought as soon as he smelled... _something_ in the air.

"Chunin Maito Gai, Chunin Shiranui Genma, Chunin Ebisu." The three Chunin promptly ended their banter. "As of today, a long-term A-ranked mission shall be assigned to you..."

( _New title acquired:_ _ **[Troublesome Child]**_ _)_

* * *

Midday / Weather: Sunny / Gai's apartment

[The Gamer]

I... guess the meeting with Hiruzen ended with... positive results? Well, I am (still) alive, if that counts as something positive.

I _totally_ didn't ruin _another_ dozen of Gai's spandex suits during the meeting. Not. At. All.

(Seriously now, is that going to be a thing? I _know_ they had bought towels, so why didn't they used them?)

Well, bad news: Apparently Gai decided to adopt me. Not Ebisu, not Genma, not Shimura freakin' Danzo, no, oh no... Gai. Maito 'Green Beast of Konoha' Gai.

...

 _'Genma! You were the chosen one!'_

*sigh*

Alright, let's be rational about this. Don't worry, me, you only have been adopted by Maito Gai. You can do this. You don't have to wear spandex if you don't want to. You just have to survive an insane training regime...

I am so dead!

...

No, seriously, I. Am. So. Dead... Even my **Status** agrees with me!

 **] - Status - [**

Name: Maito 'Kaguya' _ Lv.: 0 [Exp to next Lv.: 987]  
Age: 0  
Class: The Gamer  
Title: Troublesome Child

Hp: 75 / 75 (0.09/s)  
Cp: 22 / 30 (0.01/s)

STR: 0 / VIT: 1  
DEX: 0 / AGI: 0  
INT: 8 / WIS: 18

 **Passive Abilities**

Kaguya Origins [-]  
 _"Drink your milk!"  
_ Hp-Regeneration is increased to 0.125% per second. Not available if [The Gamer] suffers under the Ailment **Chakra Exhaustion.  
** -20% physical Damage taken. Not available if [The Gamer] suffers under the Ailment **Chakra Exhaustion.  
** +1 Strength per Level  
+3 Vitality per Level  
Grants access to the **Shikotsumyaku** , the ' **Death Bone Pulse** '

Traces of Autism [+]  
 _This definitely differentiates you from the majority of the other children._

Chakra Hypersensitivity [+]  
 _The source of 90%of all your headaches._

Gamer's Body [+]  
 _"Up Up, Down Down, Left Right Left Right, A B..."_

 **] - - - [**

Actually, now that i actually look at the status screen... I have weirdly distributed stats for my age and level. Remembering the old Gamer-stories from my... old live, the Intelligence-value would increase my reservoir of Chakra, but the actual CP-value is _far_ too small while my HP-value seemed to be a bit too high for that one point of Vitality I currently possess. Does there actually exist a way to get a peek at the **stat calculations**?

 **] - Stat Calculations - [**

 **HP:** 50 + age*25 + VIT*25  
Current **HP** : 75

 **CP:** 25 + age*12.5 + **5  
** Current **CP** : 30  
Physical and Spiritual Energies have to be combined in equal measure to create Chakra.

Physical Energy: (STR+VIT*2+DEX/2+AGI/2)*2.5  
Current Physical Energy: **5**  
Spiritual Energy: (INT*3+WIS)*2.5  
Current Spiritual Energy: **105**

 **HP and CP Regeneration**

Passive Health Regeneration per second: **_HP*_** _ **0.00125**_  
Current Health Regeneration per second: 0.09375  
Time needed to refill HP from 0% to 100%: 13 Minutes and 20 Seconds

Passive Chakra Regeneration per second: CP*0.0001 + WIS*0.0004  
Current CP Regeneration per second: 0.0102  
Time needed to refill CP from 0% to 100%: 49 Minutes and 2 Seconds

 **General Hit rate and Evasion**

 **Hit Rate** : Weapon/Tajutsu Modifier +(DEX*3+LUCK)/4

 **Evasion** : (AGI*3+Luck)/4

 **] - - - [**

Holy... Wait, where is the critical stuff?

*Cough* So, the health regeneration from my bloodline completely replaced the calculation of the _basic_ health regeneration while the quantity of my chakra reserves depends on my physical and spiritual prowess. In other words: I should try to even out my 'physical' and 'spiritual' stats as best as I can if I want to spam techniques left and right. Which means that I have to put my Stat Points I get from Level Ups mostly into Intelligence and Wisdom.

Why? Maito Gai. That Lunatic will put me through hell - a hell in which my Strength, Vitality, Dexterity and Agility will skyrocket almost as fast as Naruto inhales his ramen.

Let that sink in for a bit.

Now imagine a fifteen year old Kaguya with 16,000 HP, who regenerates 20 HP per second. Unreasonable? Well, I would "only" need around 640 points in Vitality to pull that off _without_ the extra HP I get from my age. Counting the Hp I get from aging... Well, it'll still probalby be around 600 points. Also, since 'Maito Gai' is _the_ synonym for 'Training from Hell', it _will_ only be a matter of time until my health pool reaches ridiculous levels, if I want to or not.

(I hope Gai never crosses dimensions and befriends Frederick. ***** )

Kaguya-Hp-Regen OP. Don't ya dare nerf it! My survival depends on it!

So, since the physical stats will no doubt skyrocket, it is also certain that Intelligence and Wisdom will suffer - and in extension, so will my chakra levels. Therefore: The Stat points shall be added there.

 ***Ding***

 **For doing MATH, thinking hard and planning ahead, your Wisdom has increased by 1.**

... That's a thing now, isn't it?

...

So, what will await me? Gai's insane training regime and that Random Omnipotent A-hole aside, which other factors might influence the future and will most likely worsen my life if I screw up?

Hmm, if Danzo get's knowledge of my existence... Let's be reasonable, he already knows. From what I know, he may as well have aquired some DNA-samples when no one was looking and is either plotting to wipe me from the plane of existence or turn me into mindless cannon fodder... or he thinks I'm not worth his time. The realist inside me though thinks it is either the first or the second option.

Next up: Hiruzen. If he thinks I am a danger to Konoha, I am screwed. I'll be locked into a cell and then they throw the key away. End of the story.

Orochimaru will be the next problem. The whole 'Cursed Seal'-thingy and the general pedophilia aside, he will invade the village I currently reside within.

Kimimaro might be troublesome to deal with. Yes, I stole Shikamaru's line.

Akatsuki comes next. Giant Crater and all.

Let's see, fourth war, Juubi, lobster-lord Madara, the crazed mother of all things... Did I miss something? Ah! Kumo! December 27! Kidnapping of a three year old Hinata!

... What? If that ever succeeds, Himawari can't be born! And Himawari can intimidate Kurama, which automatically makes her awesome!

Yes, that's how my brain works. Also, if the R.O.A. decided to push me into team 8 simply because my favorite (human) character got successfully kidnapped, I'll become a missing Nin, literally kick my favorite bijuu's butt into submission (do giant, three tailed demon turtles actually have a rear?), become his Jinchuriki (even if it kills me), throw a tantrum in Kumo and bring the heiress back kicking and screaming!

... Well, no. Knowing me, I would do absolutely nothing and eat chocolate instead. Yes, that sounds exactly like me.

*sigh*

So, back to the topic of Gai - the one and only Maito Gai - being my... father...

The sunlight reflects from his shiny white teeth as he hulks over my crib in his Nice Guy/Gai pose as he holds his own _youthful_ monologue... A Loud, _Youthful_ Monologue. Followed with a Fist being raised to the sky and-

Green. Beach. Waves. Sunset. Rainbows.

 _'Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop...'_

 _ **"WHAAAAAAAAA-!"**_

 ***Ding***

 **The Skill Level of [Project Killing Intent] increased by 3, reaching Lv. 5  
NEW: **You are able to intimidate puppies and civilian children.

 **[ - - - ]**

* * *

Three Months later

Midday / Weather: Cloudy / Gai's apartment

Genma

Three months.

It had been three months since the Sandaime Hokage more or less ordered Team Chouza to (quite but not-really-despite-what-Gai-may-say) adopt the little runt of a human being... all because the little maggot had soiled herself in front of the old monkey. Gai, obviously, loudly proclaimed to 'fan the flames of youth' of the little brat.

Genma however was certain that the professor just wanted said brat outside and away from his office, and the Chunin could understand why: The baby's smell put every sewer to shame. Seriously, how could a living being smell ten times worse than a year old rotten corpse?

Anyways, since then Gai had traumatized the little biohazard on a daily basis with his Sunset Genjutsu - without realizing it, of course. However, after the initial fear faded, the kid would get **really** irritated - how a _three month old child_ managed to emit strong enough killing intent to bring _every_ _Genin within a radius of ten meters_ on edge was beyond him.

That the girl managed to _walk_ along walls on the other hand... THAT was something Genma expected. Why?

"YOU CAN DO IT, RAI-CHAN! THE FLAMES OF YOUTH SHINE BRIGHTLY WITHIN YOU!"

 _ **"WHAAAAAAAAA-!"**_

 _(For doing strenuous activities in order to flee from the lunatic breathing at your back, your Strength has increased by 1.)_

The answer is, once again, Gai.

If Genma had been adopted by... Maito Gai, he would learn walking as soon as possible, too: The tajutsu practitioner's antics can only be resisted for so long before insanity roots itself into your mind, too.

 _'Maybe that's the reason she emits potent killing intent all the time: She wants to scare Gai away. Well good luck with that.'_

The chunin didn't envy the little girl in the least. Instead, with his trusted senbon in his mouth, he observed the insanity happening in front of him.

...

 _'Wait, R_ _AI_ _?'_

Well, no more silent observation for him anytime soon. "Gai, did you name our 'ward' without our consent... again?"

A flash of light illuminated the room. "Don't worry, Genma-kun: Rai-chan got the most youthful name in Konoha!"

Genma gave the leotard wearing Chunin an unimpressed look in response.

The girl had hidden herself underneath the kitchen's table and projected _bloody murder_ at her self-proclaimed adoptive father.

"Shiitake is more fitting for a girl." The not-leotard-wearing Chunin shouldn't have said that out loud.

Gai deadpanned. "You want to name her after a mushroom."

"Ebisu's choice is Miso."

"No child should be named after a dish, as youthful as the name might be!"

 _Somewhere in an orphanage, a four months old, whisker marked blonde sneezed._

"But seriously, Gai: Lightning? We have a young Kaguya, a member of a clan filled with bone wielding berserkers associated with The Mist..."

"Newborn children are the most innocent beings in the world and it is my duty to inspire the flames of youth-"

"There: Gai, you always preach about the flames of youth, but you name a child 'Lightning'. Why, Gai, why?"

Gai deadpanned again. "Rai is a more youthful name than some random mushroom."

It is then that a _certain smell_ spread itself around the entirety of the apartment...

"That kid, despite her obvious intent to make us run for our money, does have something in common with mushrooms though." The senbon chewing Chunin let out an inaudible sigh. "If you don't pay attention, she will grow on you."

And he meant it: That little waste of breathable air slowly wormed her way into his heart - _despite_ being the _most obnoxious_ little girl he had ever had the displeasure of meeting. But that is the general mindset of any shinobi: If someone gets close to you and poops on your face, you'll try to murder them, too.

Murderous intent started to form...

"Gai, grab the milk. **NOW!** "

* * *

 _ ***Ding***_

 **[Project Killing Intent] reached Lv. 25**

 **New:** You are able to gradually unnerve Chunin and low level Ninken.

 **[ - - - ]**

* * *

 **] - Status - [**

Name: Maito 'Kaguya' Rai/Shiitake/Miso Lv.: 0 [Exp to next Lv.: 987]  
Age: 0  
Class: The Gamer  
Title: Troublesome Child

Hp: 75 / 75 (0.09/s)  
Cp: 32.5 / 32.5 (0.01/s)

STR: 1 / VIT: 1  
DEX: 0 / AGI: 0  
INT: 8 / WIS: 19

 **Passive Abilities**

Kaguya Origins [-]  
 _"Drink your milk!"  
_ Hp-Regeneration is increased to 0.125% per second. Not available if [The Gamer] suffers under the Ailment **Chakra Exhaustion.  
** -20% physical Damage taken. Not available if [The Gamer] suffers under the Ailment **Chakra Exhaustion.  
** +1 Strength per Level  
+3 Vitality per Level  
Grants access to the **Shikotsumyaku** , the ' **Death Bone Pulse** '

Traces of Autism [-]  
 _This definitely differentiates you from the majority of the other children.  
_ +15% Exp gained from all sources (except abilities)  
+100% Progress Points towards subjects of Interest and everything related to them  
-50% Progress Points towards subjects of disinterest  
[The Gamer] can be easily distracted  
[The Gamer] will happily ignore all **Killing Intent** received  
[The Gamer] may avoid large crowds. ( _"Too much noise... and activity..."_ )

Chakra Hypersensitivity [-]  
 _The source of 90%of all your headaches.  
_ [The Gamer] is a natural, passive Chakra Sensor  
+25% Progress Points towards subjects in the skill subcategory **Chakra Sensing  
** +25% Progress Points towards **Chakra Control Exercises**  
-25% Progress Points towards Ninjutsu with Handseal-Requirements (The heightened awareness of Chakra prevents most subconscious Chakra movements. May be nullified in the future)  
+20% increased damage taken from Ninjutsu.  
Character may respond allergic towards injections of foreign Chakra. (Medical Ninjutsu etc.)

Gamer's Body [-]  
 _"Up Up, Down Down, Left Right Left Right, A B..."  
_ Allows [The Gamer] to live their life like a game. After sleeping in a bed, HP and CP will be completely refreshed and _most_ status ailments will be cured.

 **] - - - [**

\- Break -

 **] - Skill List - [**

 **[Observe] [Lv.: 2] [** PP to next Lv.: 20 **]  
[Active]  
**A Skill which allows the user to gather more detailed information about persons, landmarks and items. The higher the Level of this skill, the more information will be displayed. May not work on severely higher leveled allies and opponents.

 **[Project Killing Intent] [Lv.: 25] [** PP to next Lv.: 2490 **]**  
 **[Active] [CP/m: 5]**  
 _Project your intent to kill at your enemies... or everyone in general._

Upon activation, Enemies 10 levels lower than you will be rooted in place for **2.9** seconds.  
As long as **PKI** is active, Enemies 10 levels lower than you will be afflicted with **Fear (minor)** , causing them to lose sight of their surroundings, to freeze up and/or to impair their aim...  
You are able to gradually unnerve Chunin and low level Ninken.  
During combat, the chance of enemies focusing on you is increased by **70%**.

 **] - - - [**

* * *

 **Author's Notes**

* * *

Hi there. Again.

I had some trouble writing this part... I wanted to include a PoV of Gai, but he just wouldn't want to write himself. I have to read some actual lines from him and/or (re-)watch some of the parts in the Anime in which he shows up. It's just... hard.

Genma, on the other hand... I am pretty sure I made him somewhat OOC here but... well, there isn't _that_ much known about him. I just know that the _fandom_ apparently displays him as a womanizer most of the time... or that he has a certain aura that draws women to him... I dunno, something along the line. Anyways, the part of him that doesn't exactly like children below 3 years is completely my picture of him and should be taken with... a saltshaker. Yes, not _a grain of salt_ , a saltshaker.

I hope I haven't confused you with the whole **physical/spiritual energy** -thing. I try my best to adjust the Game to the World... and to have an explanation for Sakura's low CP if I give her an Intelligence-value of 150.

So, with that out of the way, I am in a little dilemma: I am currently trying to write down each clan specific perks, debuffs and abilities while as well giving them 'reasonable' amounts of stats they gain for each level... or if some of the values should be 'taught' through the clan's individual tajutsu-/ninjutsu-styles... and how big baby-naruto's chakra reserves should be.

This is the current example for the Uzumaki-origins-perk:

+2 Vitality per Level  
Physical and Spiritual Energies are quadrupled  
Natural health regeneration is multiplied by 5  
+25% PP-gain towards the skill category Fuinjutsu  
-25% PP-gain towards Chakra Control exercises

And this is the current "Jinchuriki (Nine-Tails)"-Perk

Physical and Spiritual Energies are added to one another (get equalized with the Bijuu's chakra)  
Chakra levels are multiplied by 6  
-70% PP-gain towards chakra control exercises

A baby-Naruto with all stats set to 1 would have **505** CP if I would use the current numbers in the following calculation: [ 25+((1+2+0.5+0.5)*10+(3+1)*10)*6 ]  
Yes, the Base CP (25) is not included into the Biju-Multiplication... Maybe I should, though... Naruto would have 630 CP then...

As you can see, it is _slightly_ ridiculous. _Slightly_ as in **completely, utterly nuts**. (But he would definitely have more CP than a Lv.: 93 Kakashi at the start of the wave-arc... hmm...)

If you have suggestions, don't shy away to **PM** me directly. No, seriously, I appreciate constructive criticism and suggestions (as well as verbal punches to the back of my head when I do something stupid).

And, as always, thank you for reading my ramble.


	3. Arc 1: First Birthday

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. That kid completely belongs to Kishimoto. I just accidentally flushed the lad through the toilet a couple of times... thus this story was born.

* * *

Morning / Weather: Cloudy / Gai's apartment

[The Gamer]

It is the second of November. A year has passed since two Chunin and a spandex wearing lunatic found my shivering form on top of the remains of my biological mother from this world. Said spandex wearing lunatic decided to abduct me and raise me as if I was his own child. Every attempt to scare him away with killing intent resulted in absolute failures and 'running' away as a three months old infant apparently hadn't been a bright choice: Not only did I not succeed, the rainbows, eyebrows, grins, beaches and sunsets had increased tenfold in their number.

(At least I didn't got a bowl cut or had to wear spandex... yet.)

In order to gain some peace and quiet, I tried to sleep - I really tried. However, it would never work during the day. Why?

 **You can only sleep at night.**

I would wake up at 5 in the morning, at a time when the sun wasn't even visible on the horizon. But no, the [Gamer's Body] wouldn't allow me to sleep again... or nap during the day... Especially not when monsters were lurking nearby.

For all things holy, this is not Minecraft!

Is it?

So yes, resisting the steadily increasing amounts of insanity thrown at me became _the_ challange of my current life, since my go-to option, the act of repressing uncomfortable events, just didn't seem to work. For sanity's sake, even my ability says I maxed this skill out!

 **[Repression] [Lv.: MAX]**  
 **[Active - Toggle]**  
 _"... Why is the world ending again?"_  
( _A skill created through actions taken in another life._ )

[The Gamer] is able to banish all kinds of gruesome memories created by experiencing all kinds of gruesome events into the depths of their mind, be it the end of the world, death, lengthy hospitalization, infliction of physical harm... or going to the supermarket.

This also means that [The Gamer] is prone to 'forget' more things than others - especially if [The Gamer] is distracted.

 **[ - - - ]**

My Gamer-ability says that this skill had been created by actions I had consciously (and/or unconsciously) done in the last life - and I completely agree -, but the skill itself only unlocked itself after I had been living here for... seven months? Sound about right. And yes, like I mentioned, the _skill is not wor-_

...

Why am I reciting a monologue inside my head again?

Huh.

Guess I forgot... wait...

 **[Repression]** is now deactivated.

Ah, much better. So, where was I... Ah, got it: More reciting of a senseless monologue-thingy inside my head.

Today is the second of November. It would have been a normal day if there hadn't been a slight abnormality.

It is quiet.

As far as I know, Gai is _not_ send to a mission outside of the village and neither Genma nor Ebisu had brought me to their respective apartment to take care of me, so everything being quiet is _highly_ unusual.

...

The constant headache, a result of constant exposure to biochemical, airborne fallout (also known as Chakra), on the other hand is something I could gladly live without. But really now, Chakra Hypersensitivity _sucks_!

(There! I swore inside my head! Happy?)

Imagine your head is repeatedly rammed against the spinning wheel of a truck racing through the underbrush of a forest after it had rained. That's how I imagine my headache feels like... And this headache just Doesn't. Go. Away. It's like Fever and Migraine had an unofficial child that got raised by Imperator Palpatine, Ganondorf, Madara and Spongebob.

Let that sink in for a bit.

Time's up.

It is absolutely no surprise that I am constantly irritated. Thanks to that, I also found a roadblock considering a certain skill:

 **[Project Killing Intent] [LV.: 35] [** PP to next Lv.: 1* **]  
[Active] [CP: 5/min]** *Further Progress halted until Age 3  
 _Born from anger and irritation, thou shall sow fear into people's hearts - for thou are a baby, the worst monster known to humankind._

Upon activation, Enemies 10 levels below you will be rooted in place for **3.9** seconds and be afflicted by **Fear (minor)** , causing them to freeze up, missing their targets and/or making more mistakes.  
You _will_ get the full attention of Jonin. It's for you to decide if that is a good thing or not.  
During combat, the chance of enemies focusing on you is increased by **95%**.

 **[ - - - ]**

The description of the skill isn't lying: Two months ago, at five in the morning, a person with gravity defying silver-gray hair and a dog mask covering his face had entered my room through the window, poised to strike down potential opposition. A few seconds of absolute silence followed before the shinobi apparently connected the dots and fed a carton of milk to me.

Yes, that was Kakashi. Yes, it was awkward. And yes, _Ebisu_ had installed a separate fridge next to the original one solely for the storage of milk. (Gai feeds me _at least_ five liters a day and my stomach, bless the Gamer's Body, is practically a black hole.) And yes, I'm addicted to milk.

QUALITY MILK!

No, seriously, to me milk is what spinach is for Popeye the sea man... Great, now the melody is stuck inside my head.

*sigh*

...

Back on track.

So, I had just awoken from my sleep, have a murderous headache and am currently confined to my crib. It is hopefully understandable that I am not in a particularly good mood right now. I mean, who wouldn't be slightly irritated if one just can't go back to sleep because a certain ROA decided to screw you over with an ability that forces your biorhythm to do a complete one-eighty. But hey, it isn't like I liked to be nocturnal, watch the stars, play games until I collapsed and so on. that ere just the things I enjoyed in my former life, so they are definitely not important to me. Nope, not at all.

 _ **Bloody Murder!**_

Ah, much better. Blasting a bit of needless, murderous intent into the air can be incredibly therapeutic.

So.

How do I get out of the crib?

...

Well, climbing over the railing, obviously. All I have to do is to grab the edge, re-balance my weight, slip, hit the ground with the back of my head-

 ***Thud***  
 **Critical Hit! -16HP  
HP: 84 / 100**

Ouch... That... hurt... a lot.

 ***Ding***

 **People say that a hit on the back of the head improves one's ability to think.  
They were right: Intelligence has increased by 1.**

...

 ***Ding***

 **To preserve your health from your own stupidity, a new skill has been created:**

 **[Physical resistance] [Lv.: 1] [** PP to next Lv.: 80 **]  
[Passive]**  
 _"Run against a wall! It will hurt less... eventually."_

Increases physical resistance (Armor) by **0.05** per Character Level.  
 _+15% PP-gain through access to the_ Shikotsumyaku

 **[ - - - ]**

...

I am not sure if I should be proud with my accomplishment or not. On the one hand, I'm now smarter and have what seems to be a life saving passive ability... On the other hand, I gained this through a stupid action - a fact the game (or the ROA) rubbed into my face.

Well, let's concentrate on the good stuff for now: If I understand the description of [Physical Resistance] correctly, then, depending on the skill's level, I gain passive, flat armor each time _I_ level up. So, right now I gain nothing since I am _Lv.: 0_. However, _if_ the skill maxes out at Lv.: 100, then I would gain - most likely - 5 armor per level. All in all, a solid mid-to-late-game ability... And probably somewhat broken in the early-game if one particular devoted individual grinds that ability **a lot**.

Grinding this skill involves physical harm though.

...

So, apparently I am going to become a physical tank. Great. I am definitely masochistic enough to jump in between every Kunai aimed at my comrades.

Not.

*sigh*

Why had I climbed out of my crib again?

...

Huh. Apparently for no reason at all... Other than boredom I suppose... Ah, and finding out why Gai had not shown up yet! And for that, I had to leave my humble sleeping space!

 **Congratulations! You remembered something! +1 Intelligence**

...

Seriously? I'm trying to raise my stats the whole past year and now I get bombarded with them? No, really, my **Status** looks pathetic!

 **] - Status - [**

Name: Maito 'Kaguya' _ Lv.: 0 [Exp to next Lv.: 987]  
Age: 0  
Class: The Gamer  
Title: Troublesome Child

Hp: 96 / 100 (0.13/s)  
Cp: 38.75 / 38.75 (0.01/s)

STR: 1 / VIT: 2  
DEX: 0 / AGI: 1  
INT: 10 / WIS: 19  
Luck: 1

 **Defining Traits  
** ( _When had THAT name changed?_ )

 **[ - Kaguya Origins - ]** [+]  
 _"Drink your milk!"_

 **[ - Traces of Autism - ]** [+]  
 _"You are normal, despite what the crazy people in their lab coats may say."_

 **[ - Chakra Hypersensitivity - ]** [+]  
 _The source of 90%of all your headaches._

 **[ - Gamer's Body - ]** [+]  
 _"Better watch the Patch notes..."_

 **] - - - [**

Over the year, I gained **1** point in Vitality and **1** in Agility... plus the **2** points in Intelligence right now. Why? Well, apparently there exist a massive **Debuff** for children who aren't even two years old yet:

 **] - Debuffs & Ailments - [  
**( _That name changed, too?_ )

 **Babyhood:** -95% physical Stat-gains. Lasts until you reach your second birthday.

 **] - - - [**

Yay...

On the plus-side: I found out that the gain of PP can only be reduced to 0.1% of the original value. In other words: Even though I was very **disinterested** in doing physical workouts, I only got a **99.9%** penalty instead of **145%.** Gods forbid, If I would lose stats by doing workouts... My Killing Intent would've _at least_ risen by another five levels, _despite_ the roadblock!

(HP-regeneration is still op. Don't ya dare nerf it!)

And what's up with the system's attitude? I am not... _that_ dumb.

Rant over. You can reappear from behind your fortifications again.

So, since my ability decided to be a... pain in the behind and I am not very motivated to commit suicide by strapping a 10-ton boulder to my back, I continue my existence as a cute little infant... who can walk.

 **"Dynamic Entry!"**

Uh-oh...

 ***WHAM!***

Aaand Gai pulverized the door. Again. Before I could even blink with my eyes he had swooped me up from the ground, thrown over a shoulder, phased out of existence and set me down on a highchair. It took barely half a second for all that to pass.

Then I blinked. Twice. Thrice. We were... in Gai's living room... Well, I think it is the living room. Well, rather it _was_...

Tons of balloons in all colors imaginable hang on the ceiling, colorful papersnake-thingies covered _Everything_ , there was some odd banner with a "1" and a kanji-thingy written on it hanging on... a barely recognizable wall, Genma's, Ebisu's and Kakashi's (what's he doing here?) hair defied gravity (the last one's more than usual), confetti burst out of... scrolls like ash out of volcanoes, there was a muffin with one lit candle on the table...

And Gai wore a party-hat.

 **] - HAPPY BIRTHDAY - [**

Congratulations! You survived one year in the elemental nations and neither Danzo, Hiruzen, Orochimaru nor Gai have managed to indoctrinate you... yet.  
Keep it up, minion!

 **HP + 25 / CP +12.5  
All Stats (**except Luck **) +1**

Toddler Quests (Lv.: 0 - 2) unlocked!  
Inventory unlocked!  
You earned 200 EXP (+15%)  
= 230 EXP

And here is a gift for you:  
 **Carton of Milk (Legendary Quality) x1**  
It is send directly to your Inventory.

 **] - - - [**

Aaand my eardrums exploded as a loud yell of what I think translates to **"HAPPY BIRTHDAY"** echoes through all of Konoha.

Damn it, Dad!

* * *

Kakashi

Why did he visit Gai again?

...

Ah. His self-proclaimed rival literally abducted him when the operative had spend his time _reading_ in the ANBU-Head-Quarters at midnight, dropped him in his apartment, abducted Genma and that other guy Kakashi didn't bother remembering the name of and told them all ( _youthfully_ ) that the four of them had to plan 'Rai-chan's' birthday party. Much to the silver haired ANBU operative's disdain, his spandex wearing... friend... threw a pack of empty balloons at each of his victims before he started to... unleash his inner Gai.

It was loud. REALLY loud. Well, at least loud enough that _Tsume_ had personally shown up to punch Gai in the jaw for disrupting her sleep... And the Inuzuka-compound was _literally_ on the other side of the village. Add the general complains from his neighbors, a visit from KMPF (Konoha Military Police Force) members, a visit from fellow ANBU-operatives, an accidental triggering of an explosive note in the bathroom as well as the accomplishment of acquiring a new catchphrase regarding the disposal of 'Rai's' soiled diapers with a Great-Fireball-Jutsu ( _Don't_ ) and you got a slightly unusual night in the household of Maito Gai.

The girl slept through all that. Peacefully. Soundlessly.

Now the whitish-gray haired girl struggles with a slight informational overload. Being dropped into an impossibly colorful room does that to a person... Or a one year old, for that matter. However, her red eyes gazed quite quickly from the ceiling over the walls to the confetti-volcanoes (Kakashi would like to believe that he was quite well-versed in this particular field of expertise, but personal experiences proved otherwise. Still, these seals were child's play and he did _not_ need more than three hours to install those four party tricks - not at all.) and, at last, at Genma, that sunglasses wearing guy Kakashi didn't bother learning the name of, himself and a party-hat wearing Gai.

(Yes, Gai wore a party-hat.)

 **"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY YOUTHFUL DAUGHTER! MAY YOUR FLAMES PROSPER AND YOUR SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH NEVER END!"**

Well, at least all the citizens in The Land of Fire are now awake.

Meanwhile, the little girl rested one of her open palms on her forehead. Apparently even an impressionable one-year-old could only deal with a certain amount of stupidity each day... And 'Rai's' threshold had already been crossed after merely two minutes. However, instead of leaking relatively potent, but uncontrolled killing intent at every unfortunate soul (as sunglasses said would been usual), she merely sighed, climbed out of her high-chair, slipped, slammed onto the hard floor with the back of her head before anyone realized what happened ( _ **Critical Hit! - 24HP!**_ _ **Intelligence increased by**_ _ **1**_ _.)_ , muttered something unintelligible and wobbled her way to the separate fridge.

Well, she tried to wobble her way to the fridge: All of a sudden she had been bear-hugged by none other than the copy ninja's teary, self-proclaimed rival. Struggling to breathe, the child did her best to free herself from her captor - to no avail.

Kakashi quietly smothered out any indications of his amusement showing in his one visible eye. _'Only Gai would find a baby that is more mature than him.'_ He watched as the budding tajutsu master wrapped a bandage around the girl's head with utmost care... Not that the girl needed it, her having a somewhat thick skull and... well, thick bones in general.

Wasn't there some kind of commotion almost exactly a year before? One involving a little infant?

... It had been probably related to his parted sensei's child. On the other hand, _Gai_ adoptingsomeone _would_ explain some of the gossip spreading through the higher ranks of ANBU. By the Kami, if this girl ever starts to emulate his spandex wearing rival, starts to yell about _Youth_ and grows a fondness for green leotards...

Kakashi desperately tried to stop his train of thought before his mind could create the mental image of a red eyed, pale skinned bombshell wearing skintight green- no, _gray_ spandex while 'training' in front of a training log, the sun reflecting from pearls of sweat, a charming smile and a bone-white bowl-cut...

As one might have guessed, the still impressionable, imaginative, fifteen year old ANBU-operative wasn't quite successful, much to his own growing internal horror. Puberty does that to a person.

Meanwhile, Gai blinked back into existence with a bandaged Rai.

"Gai," Genma spoke up as soon as he saw the two, "Shiitake-chan had only fallen on her head. Why does she look like a mummy now?"

A horrible chill went down Kakashi's spine as two sets of glares settled on the senbon chewing chunin.

"Genma, I had sincerely hoped you were sane. I really did. However, naming poor Miso-chan after a mushroom of all things-"

"Genma-kun, while I will not deny that you are indeed a youthful individual, your proposed name is not fitting to inspire the Flames of Rai-chan's Youth."

The three stared at one another.

"Miso."

"Shiitake."

"Rai."

"Miso!"

"Shiitake!"

"Rai!"

 **"Miso!"**

 **"Shiitake!"**

 **"Rai!"**

 **"MISO!"**

 **"SHIITAKE!"**

 **"RAI!"**

"...rufu..fu... re..."

 **"Stay out of it!"**

The child stared. The chunin stared back, puzzled. Kakashi just stared at the four of them, contemplating if he should stay or run away as fast as he possibly could.

"Did... did Miso just talk?"

" **As expected from my youthful Rai-chan! May the Flames of Youth prosper within you!"**

Once again, Kakashi wondered who had the bright idea to leave the parenting to three inexperienced (and, in two cases, _slightly_ crazed) chunin. Surely Hokage-sama would have made sure that young, parentless children where properly taken care of... The ANBU couldn't continue his line of thought without unearthing buried _memories_.

"... ka-shi..." Four incredulous pairs of eyes immediately focused on the child.

Gai had a stream of _manly_ tears running down his prideful face. "Her first word... My Eternal Rival's name..." within the blink of an eye, the poor child found herself crushed in a bear hug. ( _ **-4HP! [Physical Resistance] reached Lv.: 2**_ ) "You make your father proud, Rai-chan! From now on, we shall train ten times as hard and-"

"...e ...ma."

"And THAT's why I insist on naming her after a mushroom: She just grows on you."

"K...ai."

The Bear-hug became tighter and Gai realized his misstake too late. _Everyone_ heard the 'snap' of a few rip bones... And the child definitely had a hard time to not scream out aloud. ( _ **Critical hit! -96HP! [Physical Resistance] reached Lv.: 4**_ )

...

"TO THE HOSPITAL!"

And from one second to the other, Kakashi was left alone.

* * *

Konoha Hospital - 2 Minutes later

[The Gamer]

 **HP: 78.5 / 150** (0.19/s)

I never had broken bones during my last life... I think. I am grateful that I never had them before, because they _hurt_! What hurts even more is them _mending themselves together_ at a _rapid_ pace...

And to rub more salt into the injury, I am about to be examined by a doctor. A doctor who will most likely use medical chakra. And needles. And medical chakra. And these reflex-hammer-thingies... Oh, and did I mention medical chakra before?

At least the doctor looks awesome: Gray hair, gray mustache, rectangle glasses, grim appearance and an awesome doctor's mantle.

Genma talked, followed by Gai, Ebisu cut in, Gai interrupted, Genma smacked Gai, Ebisu sighed, Gai screamed about something _youthful_...

Gods, I really wished there were **subtitles** or something along the lines...

 **Subtitles are now activated.**

...

That's it! The game is definitely mocking me!

"Nun, dies sieht man auch nicht alle Tage. " Of course it has to be translated into German. Not that I have anything against my native tongue, but I prefer English subs over German ones - simply because most of the German translations _suck_. There, cursed again. Hope you're happy now, whoever is watching.

 **Subtitles are now displayed in English**

"Now, that is nothin' you see ev'ry day."

Since he had observed me for a full minute, I think he speaks about my regeneration factor. No surprise there, I regenerate 7.5% of my health every minute after all... Which is _slightly_ ridiculous. I have another question though: Why does that guy have a German accent? Come on, game, stop mocking me!

Err...

Anyways, bag to me being examined with a diagnosis technique and _by the smallclothes of freakin' Grima WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH_?

 **-1HP**

I call bullshit! That should've decimated my Hp down to at least 10%!

*sigh*

So, what did we lean today? If you want to talk, do it right and shut up as soon as Gai bear-hugs you.

"So, doc, how bad is it?" YES! I can finally understand people! And, more importantly, I can understand Genma!

"She's fine."

... Eh? What did the doctor say? She? Who's he talkin' about?

* * *

Genma

"What do you mean with 'Miso is fine'? Gai had broken four of her ribs, for kami's sake!"

Genma didn't bothered to mentally correct the naming of little Shiitake. Instead, he observed the little, spoilt misfit in case she somehow managed to drown in her own saliva. Not that he was concerned or something like that, he just wanted to avoid Gai getting _depressed_.

"Broken bones? Four of them were bruised at best. Nothing to worry about."

The girl in question may not attempt to drown in her own saliva, but she did indeed show strange behavior... As in, she clearly _noticed_ and _understood_ what the 'grownups' were discussing, as seen by the clear attention she paid Ebisu, Gai and the Doc... Oh, and apparently she also seemed to have noticed that she wore _clothing_ , from the way she stared at her pink dress in... horror?

What happened to the grumpy, KI-emitting waste of breathable air?

"Nothing to worry about?" Ebisu continued his rant, "Gai _broke her bones barely five minutes ago_! Said person also _broke the sound barrier_ to arrive here on time!.. After sprinting five times around Konoha's walls, of course..."

( _ **HP:111.25 / 150**_ )

Her horror almost began to manifest a tangible form as she moved one of her tiny, chubby arms to the nether regions...

"Well, your friend definitely overreacted. As I said, the girl's fine... or will be, if you said was true. Just let her rest, preferably away from large sources of chakra."

Genma perked up at that, just as the girl's eyes widened in sheer terror. "Keeping her away from chakra? What good is that going to do?"

The doctor adjusted his glasses, _somehow_ hiding his dark eyes behind a reflection of light. "You don't know? Girl's so sensitive to foreign chakra sources that I wouldn't be surprised if she had developed grade-A Killing Intent as a reaction to the skull-cracking headache she must have felt during her short life. If I were to use medical jutsu on her, it would most certainly kill her. Heck, my _diagnosis_ technique already irritated her senses! Honestly, how can one miss that?"

Genma absently noted that 'Shiitake' repeatedly searched for something that most- _definitely_ didn't exist as Gai (of course) answered the doc's question. "I was under the assumption that little Rai-chan channeled her youthful presence every time she showed signs of starvation... Or projected her burning passion whenever I encouraged her to walk."

' _That_...' Genma didn't knew how one could misinterpret irritation with... _that_.

The doc obviously did care about his (remaining) sanity and just nodded. "Aaanywaaays... Give that lad lessons in chakra sensing ASAP! Chakra-Hypersensitivity is no joke and the earlier something's done to lessen the side effects the better."

Genma perked up. "Side effects?"

"Ya know... T' body's immune system starting to reject the patient's own chakra, vomitting every time someone's casting a genjutsu on her, a field medic accidentally killing her with medical ninjutsu... oh, and she herself might be stupid enough to jump in front of a fireball technique, ultimately lighting up like the result of a lit explosive tag in the middle of a pile of fireworks. Seriously, get her tutored in chakra control and -sensing early."

"But... Miso's ribs..." Ebisu stammered. Said girl currently shed rivers of tears over some kind of reason Genma had yet to comprehend. (Shiitake had _never_ cried like _that_ before.)

"She. Is. Fine. For now. Now let me drink my damn tea!"

( _ **Hp:145 / 150**_ )

* * *

Hokage Tower

Hiruzen

The Sandaime Hokage, proud wearer of the titles God of Shinobi, Professor, Monkey and several other ones, glared at his arch nemesis with barely contained hatred. Being cut by paper does that to a person.

As one could guess, Sarutobi Hiruzen was, as always, diligently decimating the never ending influx of trade requests, mission reports, spam mails, inventory reports, spy reports and... various documents advertising for different kinds of products.

Groaning, the Hokage contemplated with himself if he should continue to read through Orochimaru's detailed report about various 'breakthroughs' concerning the assimilation of the Kaguya-corpse (Kiri will definitely reignite the third war if... no, _once_ they find out), light his pipe, simply incinerate his entire office, continue his game of Shogi with Oonoki (the two of them wanted to weed out each other's spies and, for whatever reason they could not seem to remember anymore, started a long-distance-match... The two of them were playing it for almost ten years now simply because it takes far too long for the information to reach the other side) or inspect the little, paper vomiting crack in reality that had appeared in the darkest corner of his office at some point when he wasn't looking...

...

 _'Kami?'_

* * *

 **] - Status - [**

Name: Maito 'Kaguya' Rai Lv.: 0 [Exp to next Lv.: 757]  
Age: 1  
Class: The Gamer  
Title: Troublesome Child

Hp: 150 / 150 (0.19/s)  
Cp: 61.25 / 61.25 (0.01/s)

STR: 2 / VIT: 3  
DEX: 1 / AGI: 2  
INT: 12 / WIS: 20  
Luck: 1

 **Defining Traits**

 **[ - Kaguya Origins - ]** [+]  
 _"Drink your milk!"_

 **[ - Traces of Autism - ]** [+]  
 _"You are normal, despite what the crazy people in their lab coats may say."_

 **[ - Chakra Hypersensitivity - ]** [+]  
 _The source of 90%of all your headaches._

 **[ - Gamer's Body - ]** [+]  
 _"Better watch the Patch notes..."_

 **] - - - [**

* * *

 **[Physical resistance] [Lv.: 4] [** PP to next Lv.: 400 **]**

 **[Passive]**  
 _"Run against a wall! It will hurt less... eventually."_

Increases physical resistance (Armor) by **0.2** per Character Level.  
 _+15% PP-gain through access to the_ Shikotsumyaku  
 **Current Bonus:** 0

 **[Observe] [Lv.: 3] [** PP to next Lv.: 270 **]  
[Active]**

A Skill which allows the user to gather more detailed information about persons, landmarks and items. The higher the level of the skill, the more information will be displayed. May not work on severely higher leveled allies and opponents.

* * *

 **Author's Notes**

* * *

Hi there.

Before I officially start with my author's ramble, Guys and Gals, let me set some things straight first:  
 **Y'all are awesome!**

Seriously now, considering the amount of amazing support you offered me I am ashamed to admit that I can only offer _another_ badly paced chapter once again after such a long delay. Really now, I don't deserve you, guys.

So... on to the ramble.

I had _a lot_ problems with this chapter. You see the **_Bloody Murder_** up there? That's where I got stuck for... almost two and a half weeks, I guess.  
Reasons: I let myself get distracted by _everything,_ be it other pieces of Fanfiction, a RWBY-marathon, me rushing through Azure Striker Gunvolt 2 (Copen is awesome!), playing Heroes of the Storm or breeding a bunch of Mimikyu. Oh, and Real Life and Writer's Block were also a part of the delay... as well as trying to find solutions to implement into a 'Patch Notes'-chapter... Like increasing the general recovery time by five.

Also, I might open up a **Poll** in the **Future**... Well, certainly when the ninja academy arc starts.

For now though, I'll give you the current preview of a six years old Lv.: 2 Naruto and compare him to your generic six years old Lv.: 2 Civilian:

Name: Tobio  
Age: 6  
Class: Student  
Title: -

HP: 425 (0.05/s)  
CP: 195 (0.02/s)

STR: 10 / VIT: 9  
DEX: 11 / AGI: 11  
INT: 10 / WIS: 8  
Luck: 1

Defining Traits:

 _The embodiment of an average, unremarkable, civilian child._

Name: Uzumaki Naruto  
Age: 6  
Class: (Untrained) Jinchuriki  
Title: Pariah

HP: 1100 (1.17/s)  
CP: 5455 (3.28/s)

STR: 10 / VIT: 36  
DEX: 7 / AGI: 9  
INT: 7 / WIS: 8  
Luck: 25

Defining Traits:

[ - Uzumaki Origins - ]  
+25% PP-Gain towards skills in the category Fuinjutsu  
HP-regeneration is multiplied by 5  
CP are tripled, but PP-gain towards Chakra control exercises is reduced by 25%  
+0.5 STR, 2 VIT and 0.5 WIS per character level

[ - Jinchuriki - Kyuubi - ]  
The Bijuu equalizes his host's physical and spiritual energies with his own (read: PhE- and SpE-values are added, effectively 'doubling' the CP)  
Kyuubi: Additional HP- and CP-regeneration based on 0.05% of their maximum values  
Kyuubi: CP are multiplied by 6  
Kyuubi: PP-gain towards Chakra control exercises is reduced by 70%  
Kyuubi: +2.5 VIT per character level and age.

Yep, sic year old Naruto get's massive modifiers towards his CP (and Vitality), effectively already giving him chakra reserves on par with Jonin. On the other hand, his actual stats except VIT are... not good...

Which is completely ok, if you ask me. Jinchuriki are super-weapons for a reason, after all. It is also this reason why they are avoided like the plague, as irritating as it might be at times to watch the stupidity unfold.

Alright, have a good day, stay save and to everyone who celebrates their birthday whenever they are reading this chapter: Happy Birthday!

Thank you for reading my ramble.


	4. Arc 1: Babysitting

**Disclaimer** : I don't own Naruto, Fire Emble, Azure Striker Gunvolt, Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo, Youtube... Ya know the drill. Horrible things would happen if I had ownership of one of the larger companies and you _don't_ want that to happen, trust me.

* * *

May 2nd

Morning / Weather: Sunny / Konoha / Kurenai's house

Rai

Crimson eyes stared at mine. Unflinching. Unmoving. Unforgiving. "Rai-chan, I know you can understand me and I know that you are an intelligent being who is able to differentiate between good and evil actions. I sincerely hope that you know that stealing other peoples belongings is an evil action."

I gave her my most sincere doe-eyes, in the hopes that she would heed my call and kill me. She didn't. "So... you are ewil?"

If my babysitter for the week was surprised about me speaking, she didn't show it. Subtitles, a good tutor in the form of Ebisu (that guy's good for something after all) and developing a desperate interest in conversing with the rest of humanity can do _miracles_ towards learning Japanese...Well, it took one and a half years and I am NOT looking forward towards learning how to write... it might help with my dexterity though, now that I think about it.

Speaking of stats...

 **] - Status - [**

Name: Maito 'Kaguya' Rai [Lv.: 0] [EXP to next Lv.: 136]  
Age: 2  
Class: The Gamer  
Title: Troublesome Child

HP: 250 (0.31/s)  
CP: 107.5 (0.02/s)

STR: 4 / VIT: 6  
DEX: 9 / AGI: 5  
INT: 17 / WIS: 25  
Luck: 1

 **Defining Traits**

 **[ - Kaguya Origins - ]** [+]  
 _"You require more mi- calcium."_

 **[ - Traces of Autism - ]** [+]  
 _"So that's what they call 'eccentrics' these days?"_

 **[ - Chakra Hypersensitivity - ]** [+]  
 _Be happy your immune system hasn't rioted against YOUR chakra... yet._

 **[ - Gamer's Body - ]** [+]  
 _"GOT SOME MAD KNIFE SKILZZZ, YO!"_

 **] - - - [**

...

Ignoring the systems attitude, I made _some_ progress in getting some more points - especially in Dexterity, Intelligence and Wisdom - and the EXP I got from my second birthday as well as some baby-quests I won't go into too much detail with (" **(Lv.: 1) Potty-training 101** ") also brought me closer to the Level Up.

I also found out once again that, even though the quests state that I get 10 EXP if I absolved them, I get more if the quest's level is higher than mine. And thanks to the system letting me see how it operates, I know that the calculation looks like **this** :

(EXP + EXP*( [Mission/Mob/etc Lv.] - [Character Lv.] )*0.1)* **1.15**

(The **1.15** at the end represent the bonus I get through my **[ToA]**.)

So, if I would get 10 EXP from a Lv.: 2 quest, I would _hypothetically_ gain 13.8 EXP, but the system seems to be nice enough to round everything up, which means that I actually gain 14 EXP. Likewise, if I would defeat an opponent ten levels above me, I would gain 115 EXP.

On the other hand, if a mission or an Opponent would be ten levels _below_ me, I would gain nothing.

(If bosses also only drop 10 EXP... I think I might actually start crying. I would have to defeat an opponent _one hundred levels_ above mine to gain an instant level up.)

(I think the Random Omnipotent Butthole created this over-complicated system so he didn't had to assign gigantic numbers concerning mission- and monster-EXP... Lazy ass.)

(Yes, I cursed again.)

"Rai-chan, are you listening?"

... Woops? (I really get easily distracted. **[ToA]** is still awesome, though.)

"Sowwy, got lost in my thouwts... all alone."

The Genjutsu specialist held her right wrist against her forehead. "Rai-chan, you know that stealing other people's things is frowned upon, right?"

"U-huh. It's ewil."

"Yes, that is true, it is e _v_ il-"

"Does that make you ewil?"

"... I fail to follow your logic-"

"So you're 'bowwowing' then."

"... Yes?"

"I 'bowwowed', too."

"You stole my sake!"

"Nu-uh, I bowwowed. Also, it's called ' _Wobka_ '."

"Stealing is not bo _rr_ owing. And you-"

"Ex-act-ly. I bowwowed. You stole. I good, you ewil."

" I haven't stolen anything-"

"YOU STOLE MY MILK!"

"... So because I took a carton of milk from _my_ fridge _you_ _stole_ my sake?"

"I need a steady influx of food articles that are enriched with calcium so I can grow up faster to tank more hits, become stronger and gain the ability to rip my own spine out of my back so I can smack it into evil-doers faces. So since you took and decimated a resource of calcium, I _liberated_ some of the stronger liqueur and assured that you would not be able to consume it anytime soon."

"..."

"..."

 **New title acquired:**  
 **[Overconfident Child 'Genius']**

The silence would have continued for a while if the Chunin had not managed to regain her composure. She probably expected me to continue to blabber around in childish Japanese. Unfortunately for secret couples that keep their secret relationship of secret secretness a secret I am perfectly able to converse with people now and only have to hide underneath a cardboard box to eavesdrop on them.

As I mentioned, Ebisu is a DARN GOOD teacher if he wants to be... Also, in my old life, after I kicked my own butt into submission, I was able to improve my _horrible_ English into something passable. ("I _become_ a burger" had been a very common mistake and I literally drilled it into my mind that " _bekommen_ / erhalten" translates to "get".) However, children have to be naive and happy-go-lucky, so I play 'pretend to be a snot nosed brat' every time Gai is not home.

Anyways, Kurenai speaks again, her hands firmly pressed against her head. "... How did Gai get a hold of a child genius again?"

I shrug. "Mom died, maybe my biological dad did too, got rescued from a bear and then there was lots of... _that_. I'm no genius though."

"You fluently speak the common tongue at two years and six months."

"Yes."

"You _understood_ it after you turned one year old."

"Yes."

"You started walking _when you where three months old_."

"... Yes?"

"And, from what Genma told me before he dropped you off without any explanation at all," Wow, she's irritated, "you also emitted _Killing Intent_ when you were barely a day old."

"Nah, I was just four hours old... I think."

"You are just reinforcing my point here."

"Exactly."

"So... you agree that you are a genius?"

"Nope."

The Genjutsu Mistress stared impassively at the 'supposed to be' genius. "What makes you say that?"

I shrug. "Well, I am not able to recall a lot of events... No, wait, that's my own fault: I repress a lot of stuff. But I am not able to multiply high numbers with each other... No, wait, I can do that for some strange reason..." I pondered about what to say, but came up mostly blank. "Uh... I am unable to correctly assess myself... and I don't like crowds... And I have yet to find decent reading materials concerning quantum physics and programming... Wait, that's somewhat advanced stuff..."

"... Programming? Quantum Physics? You... mean Fuinjutsu... right?"

"That's what kids call it nowadays? That, then."

"... You are two and a half years old... and how do you know anything about Fuinjutsu in the first place?"

"Hey, you were the one insisting that I am a genius!"

"So you DO agree that you are a genius."

"I no smart. I only count past ten."

"Rai-chan, you are able to hold a conversation with me-"

"Does twat mean twat u ar a dum-dum?"

"Damn it, girl, I am trying to be serious here!"

 _"_ _She_ _will be fine." "What a lovely_ _girl_ _you have there." "Kawaaaai!" "Oh, that poor_ _girl_ _..." "That lunatic has a_ _daughter_ _?!" "Rai-chan - Miso chan - Shiitake-chan - Yo"_

* * *

Kurenai

 _'Had I said something wrong?'_

This was the question Kurenai asked herself as she observed the shivering form of the little, temporary charge of hers, all color drained from her person and her immediate surroundings. How a little, two-and-a-half-years-old child managed to develop a bad case of PTSD should have been beyond the Genjutsu Mistress's understanding, but knowing her father...-s... antics...

Nope, she still couldn't quite understand how her mental development happened the way it did... well, maybe a little. That being written, Kurenai still thought that the color draining effect of the _'withering'_ Rai, who was currently _openly crying_ in a non-existent corner underneath the Genjutsu mistress's kitchen's table, seemed to be a bit overdone... _'Wait... she can use Genjutsu?'_

Anyways: "So, Rai... Where are you hiding _my_ alcohol again?"

Aaand the oppressive aura of negativity disappeared, giving way to the wonderfully obnoxious randomness of Gai's adoptive daughter. This time, the young girl _tried_ to give Kurenai the most intimidating death-glare the young two-and-a-half-year old child could muster, but it completely backfired, considering that the professionally trained assassin had to summon all her mental fortitude to stay professional. Seriously now, who wouldn't start squealing at the sight of a two-year-old stuffed into a pale pink sundress crossing her arms together while simultaneously puffing her cheeks out? That girl _is_ adorable.

"Isn't it obvious? Somewhere out of your reach."

 _'... Well, she would have been more adorable if she wasn't such a brat.'_ Kurenai thought to herself as she mercilessly pulverized the tiny pebble of irrational feelings that slowly formed itself in her gut. "That much is obvious. As obvious as the fact that children shouldn't steal other peoples belongings."

The child nodded. "Very wise words coming from you, young one."

 _'... Correction: She_ would _be adorable if she wasn't such a brat.'_ "Rai-chan... You are younger than me. Fifteen years and a half years, to be more precise."

The little girl pointed her chubby, little pointer-finger at the Genjutsu-mistress. "And, like me, you are _still_ underage! No alcohol until you're an adult!"

 _'... Great. A radical version of Gai.'_ "Rai-chan, I am a Chunin. A kunoichi. I became an adult when I graduated from The Academy-"

"At age nine." the girl deadpanned, throwing the raven haired teenager out of the loop. Afterwards, Rai sighed. "Before you ask: Dad told me. I don't want to listen to _that_ particular tale. Ever. Again." Rai visibly shuddered.

 _'... Well, it should've been obvious that the girl is traumatized. Still-'_ "You still have to make your point. I graduated and that makes me an adult."

Rai... groaned. "Fer cryin' out loud, ye ar' seventeen. SE-VEN-TEEN!"

"So?" An ominous chill crept upon Kurenai's spine and the teen instantly regretted her answer.

The sky darkened. Animals howled in fear, children began crying, civilians two blocks over soiled their pants and a colony of wasps underneath the kitchen's boards had to report huge losses thanks to its inhabitants dying from heart attacks.

Rai was irritated. "YOU LOSE A DARN INTELLIGENCE AND WISDOM POINT EACH EVERY TIME YOU EMPTY A FLASK OF SAKE! PERMANENTLY!"

And time stood still.

... Until Kurenai broke the silence by giving an adept answer to the question regarding the council's cumulative grasp of common sense: "What?"

The girl groaned again, but the oppressiveness in the air vanished. "Dad said alcohol is ewil. My throughout research states the same. It reduces one's ability to choose the more sane decisions and makes one do something stupid... Like getting a boyfriend. Uncle Genma forbid me to get a boyfriend until I at least reached my eighteenth birthday - and even then he forbid me to get one unless the guy is morally acceptable... or un _able_ to procreate. Anyways, following that logic, I have to be eighteen before I can drink myself stupid, which in turn would open the path to get laid. Since I don't want to get laid - ever - I make sure that I will never drink alcohol. However, since _YOU_ drink alcohol _and_ are underage, I cannot trust you with that stuff, fearing that you might one hour decide to drink too much, accidentally swap the milk in the carton with alcohol and getting me drunk by feeding that stuff to me, which, in turn, would mean that I get a boyfriend and get laid. Unacceptable outcome."

A ball of tumbleweed crossed the interior of the kitchen.

 _'... Definitely traumatized.'_ "I... still doubt that a two-and-a-half-year-old should _steal_ the belongings from another person, as morally justified as your claims may be." The professionally trained assassin explained. "Also, as I already mentioned: I am a Kunoichi of Konoha, which means I am an adult-"

The little girl scoffed. "Nope! You are seventeen years and eleven months old - Which means you are _not_ eighteen - Which means it is not okay for you to get laid - Which means you are not allowed to get a boyfriend - Which means you are not allowed to drink. The overall stability of the universe depends on the fact that you only procreate once you are thirty."

 _'... What?'_ Once again, the Genjutsu Mistress was at a loss for words.

Rai sighed and continued. "Aaanyways... Can you _finally_ show me how to dispel the Sunset-Genjutsu?"

Kurenai's left eye twitched violently. "For the umpteenth time, NO! Trust me, if I actually _knew_ how to do it, countless minds would have been kept healthy! The only way to preserve your sanity is to _not_ look at it in the first place!"

"Then find a gods-darn way, child!"

"I am older than you!"

"You are still a child!"

"I am an adult!"

"And I am the reincarnation of a slothful male born in another universe who choked to death on a chicken's bone while playing games in front of a tele-thingamajig! You are just a brat!"

Silence.

"Girl... What. Happened. To. You."

"I got born and was abducted by my stepfather. He yelled at me, grinned at me, traumatized me with the Unbreakable Sunset Genjutsu on a daily basis and overall was _very_ creepy... so I decided to grow up a bit faster than others. Unfortunately, he only got more excited and redoubled his efforts at being... continuously overexcited. He means good, though."

"Ah..."

Silence.

"So... why have you... _borrowed_ my alcohol for an unspecified timeframe again?"

"I already answered that question."

"Yes. Multiple times. And you always gave different answers."

"So why are you _still_ asking?"

"Because I want my sake back!"

"Well, why don't you say so in the first place?"

Kurenai counted to ten before she answered. "I. Implied. So. Multiple. Times. During. Our. Aimless. Conversation. Child."

The kid scoffed. "Well, _I don't give a darn about implied bullshit!_ I am a god-darn-child, god darn it! Children don't freakin' care about stuff like that! Because they are god-darn-childish god-darn-children! Darn it!"

"... You are definitely prone to temper-tantrums." the Kunoichi deadpanned.

"NO SHIT! I WOULDN'T HAVE GUESSED."

The Genjutsu mistress smacked her hand against her head. "By the log, just _keep your things together!_ I know for a fact that you are _not_ in that part of the month!" The hand left her face before she fixated the unruly child with a small glare... that slowly morphed into a contemplating stare. "Now that i think about it: How did you hide the twelve bottles in the first place? They are a bit big for you to carry around... especially since your hands are barely big enough to safely grab things with."

The child's answer was... smug. "Well, I'm a maci-mago- wizard."

"Don't change the topic again."

"Well, FIIINE, be all killjoy-y and stuff!" Another groan escaped the girl's mouth. "Dad's rival slammed a stor-age-seal on my... clothing dress thingy. I'm just jamming everything in it that my uncles - and everyone else - aren't allowed to actually have legitimate owner rights on... Like you and your alcohol. Dunno why he did that."

Kurenai stared. "You. Jammed my alcohol. Into a nonexistent Storage Seal. Which should be written. On your dress."

"Yes."

"Girl, I have met _four-year-olds_ that lie better than you."

"Duh, they are also older than me."

"The point is," Kurenai pressed, _definitely_ irritated, "you are lying. Horribly."

The girl pouted. "No lying! Me put smelly water into ugly dress! Air broke and smelly water went poof. Gone. Stuff can't go poof if no seal is there."

 _'... This girl,'_ Kurenai realized, _'needs someone with a_ lot _of patience to tolerate her... And mine is thinning.'_ She sighed. Well, time for the trump card. "Rai-chan... I didn't wanted to threaten you, but if you don't give me my sake back _right now_ I'll _ensure_ that you'll consume Every. Single. Drop. Of. **Gymory**. Genma had left here with me _._ "

This threat was not to be taken lightly and the Kunoichi could only shudder at the image of the _"drink"_ which's name she had dropped: Gai's Youthful milkshake of radiant Youthfulness (short: GYmorY, or Gymory if you don't emphasize the Y's like every reasonably sane person in the world) was... unique, as politely spoken of as humanly possible. One might write an entire novel just by describing the entire process the 'Green Beast' goes through in order to gain all the resources needed for this drink. However, since no one (with the exception of the Kage, Itachi and Gai) is resilient enough to stay sane after reading such a novel, humanity tends to overly simplify the process to the following:

In order to mix a healthy drink, Gai drops a piece of each vegetable and fruit as well as the contents of a carton of milk into a mixer. The result tastes like anything _but_ something good.

 _ ***Plop***_

Needless to say, Rai, all color drained from her face, her clothes and her immediate surroundings, didn't waste a single moment of her time to shove the contents of Kurenai's _entire wine cellar_ into said Chunin's hands before darting away into the distance. Screams seemingly indicating the presence of unimaginable terrors followed shortly after.

Kurenai stared at the retreating form in silence... before moving her attention to the small pile of liqueur... just to glance at the fleeing child again. _'Did she- So there really was a storage seal drawn_ somewhere _on her person.'_ It was the obvious conclusion. After all, the alternative, a mere child being able to open a rift leading to a personal pocket dimension meant to store infinite amounts of items in it, was far too ridiculous to be true.

Right?

...

 _'Wait... wasn't I supposed to babysit her?'_

* * *

Somewhere

Rai

It took... quite some time before I... overcame my trauma. I might be overreacting - scratch that, I'm definitely overreacting -, but... Well, I can't really recall what exactly made me react the way I did, but... What was I trying to say again? It's on the tip of my tongue... I think...

 **[Repression]** is now deactivated

... Oh. Well, that explains why I can't recall most of the events between now and my first birthday. Something must have really attempted to undermine my sanity... Err, no, that's a poor choice in grammar. What I wanted to say was that... uh... something really... _'nasty'_ for a lack of a better word, must have happened. Something about being abandoned in a room (or was it a park? A playground?) with lots and lots of little salivating bags of fleshy monsters called children who all wanted to cuddle? Or was it related to an incident with a cup of coffee, a rubber band and a storage seal?

... Ah, well. Something had happened. It isn't happening _now_ , so it is unimportant. Fact is: At some point I activated [Repression] and literally forgot to deactivate it again. Woops.

Anyways, after running away from my babysitter while crying like the little... girl... I am, I somehow ended in a... forest. Well, the fact that I am surrounded by a lot of Hashirama-trees _might_ be an indicator for that, but take my conclusion with a grain of salt. I'm a twenty-three (five?) year old male human trapped inside a two year old female, thus no professional, after all... Err, yes, and there's a lot of roots and dirt lying around, too.

If this were some bad Fanfiction-story, then I'm guessing I landed here because the writer became frustrated and didn't knew how to fill the page with words, but that's just my opinion... It would be something **I** would do, at least. However, since this I reincarnated into a fictional universe with an intangible cloud of headache inducing radioactive waste as the superpower for humans who level mountains because of some petty family conflict gone wrong I am pretty sure that I landed here for one plot progressing reason or another.

Like being beheaded by a bear for flashback-material.

Or being crucified by some jashin-follower, also to be used as flashback-material.

... Or for no reason at all. That may work, too.

In any case, I have absolutely no Idea where I am right now... And yes, the capital I was intended... And yes, I am holding a monologue inside my head just for the reason if a Yamanaka decides to use their mind scrambling techniques at me.

... Anyways... Time to open my **Inventory** and grab some toast with honey to eat.

Did you know that I get cooking experience if I throw toast into a toaster? **Per slice of bread** toasted (and not burned to charcoal) I get **one PP** towards the cooking skill and **one more** if I **smear** some **butter** and **honey on top of it**. Since the toaster in the kitchen can toast two slices of bread at once and it takes around three minutes to toast them up - time in which I can smear some butter and honey on top of it - I get **4 PP** in **[Cooking]** every three to four minutes.

Guess what I did during the last year.

And guess how much toast with honey I have in my inventory.

Oh, and guess what doesn't spoil inside my personal pocket dimenion.

... Okay, maybe I should have mentioned that I did that for two hours for each of the last three hundred and sixty days. Divide sixty through four before multiplying with four again and you got the amount of PP I earned per hour.

Time's up.

'Cooking' toast this way not only gave me some much needed Dexterity (gaining DEX through smearing stuff on bread... Who would've thought that was possible?) in addition to the **43200 PP** in the **[Cooking]** skill... Which sits at a comfortable Lv.: 28, with only 300 PP to be gained for a Level Up. It also means I _would_ have had 21600 slices of toast with honey inside my inventory, but since I devour everything over the nine-thousand-and-one-mark (yes, I did that just for the joke)... I'm glad my stomach is a bottomless pit.

How did I got my hands on so much slices of toast? And honey, for that matter? Well... I found a warehouse and... liberated it. What? if they didn't want the bread to be used for... science, then they should have locked the place. Anyways, the Lv.: 4-Quest **[Toast Toast]** , which involved the toasting of a hundred pieces of toast, had been completed fairly quickly and had earned me 276 EXP - boost of **[ToA]** included.

... Oh, and I found out that my inventory has no limit to the amount of items it can store... I think.

... It would have also looked like a warzone if I hadn't created categories for the items I picked up. (If Southpark: The Stick of Truth taught me one thing, then it was that one should always pick up their poop and throw it at people).

The categories are the following:

Favorites  
Melee Weapons / Ranged Weapons / Ammunition / Armor / Accessories  
Food Ingredients / Meals / Drinks / Milk  
Mob drops / Potion & Poison Ingredients / Potions / Poisons  
Quest Items / Books & Scrolls / Pens, Paper & Notes / Utility Items  
Ore / Refined Metals & Alloys / Crafting Materials / Gems  
Fuinjutsu Supplies / Paper Seals & Tags / Electronic Stuff / Tools  
Medical Equipment / Camping Items / Animals / Insects  
Junk / Collectables / etc.

Yup, it's a little overkill, but I'm sure that these categories will be filled to the brim if given enough time.

... And yes, I was _really_ bored when I did this.

... And yep, Milk has its own category. For whatever reason, a carton of milk is the equivalent of a basic health potion normally found in Video Games: A Good Quality Pack heals **50%** of my HP within the span of a minute _and_ cures all de-buffs on my person. How awesome is that?

(I hope Gai never finds out _why_ the secondary refrigerator is always empty.)

The Legendary Quality Packs on the other hand... Boy, they are amazing. If I were to drink one such pack, all my physical stats' growth rates would be quadrupled for an entire week! Best Buff ever! Unfortunately, I only seem to get them during my birthdays. In any case, I am holding onto them until Gai starts seriously training me... Or if I get the bright Idea (yes, the capital I is, once again, intended to be there) to throw myself through Frederick's Fanatical Fitness Hour... or Saitama's training regime.

What? I have knowledge originating from an entirely different universe. Why shouldn't I implement it here? I have no illusions that I _won't_ be incorporated into the Shinobi forces and I don't want to be beheaded in the Sound-Sand-invasion and/or die while Nagato stomps the sh-stuff out of Konoha. Oh, and I might have to think about something to counter or neutralize the Ash Killing Bones from the Crazed Mother of All Things... Yes, CMoAT is my name for Kaguya.

I also have to assemble a new outfit for myself... There's NO way I'll show up at the academy in a _pink_ dress of all things! Hell no!

... Aaand I thought Stats once again. Fantastic. Not.

I need a hobby.

*Crunch* " _YIIIP!_ "

"Uh..." I _slowly_ glanced downward to **observe** whatever animal I stepped on... Because, that's what you do when you step on things... right?

 **] - Observe - [**

Kitsune Kit - Albino Lv.: 0  
Age: 2 Months

HP: 2 / 50 (0/s)  
CP: 47.5 / 47.5 (0.06/s)

STR: 0 / VIT: 0  
DEX: 1 / AGI: 2  
INT: 3 / WIS: 1  
Luck: 0

Bio:  
A female, starved and barely alive variant of your run-of-the-mill-woodland-critter that has a rare genetic defect commonly referred to as albinism. Cast out by its own family and probably harassed upon by a murder of crows at some point. The white fur of this animal would have earned you easily over a hundred thousand Ryo if it had fully matured.

Time left before it dies from agonizing pain: 4:37

 **] - - - [**

Wow. That fox had a _bad_ day... Wait, there's more stuff:

 **[Butcher Bodies] [Kill it with Fire] [Kick it] [Throw Poop at it] [Ignore] [Nuzzle] [Save and Adopt]**

Okay, I am pretty certain now that my ability has a few screws lose or something like that... I mean, where is the option to _eviscerate_ that thing?

...

Oh no, It _looks_ at me! Not the puppy-eyes, not the puppy eyes- God darn it, why is it looking at me? No, I don't wanna end its misery! NO!

... What would everyone else do when they stare into the eyes of a cute and cuddly little furball that practically _begs_ you to kill it?

...

 ***Yoink***

Screw it, I don't wanna deal with it now.

 **] - Quest Alert - [**

 **(Lv.: 5) For the Fuzziness!**  
You picked up the following animal: Kitsune Kit - Albino Lv.: 0  
Bring it to a veterinarian to patch it up and gain your first pet!

Rewards:  
Pet  
100 EXP  
Title: Animal Lover

Failure:  
Dead Fox Body

 **] - - - [**

Err... Animal Lover?

 **] - [**

 **GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!**

 **\- 1 WIS**

 **] - [**

HOLY-

... Okay, I'll just pretend that didn't happened. Instead, I'll just check my inventory really quickly and... Yep, the dying-from-agonizing-pain-countdown is halted, meaning that I can take as much time as I want to walk to a veterinarian without having to fear that that critter dies on me. I really want that Level Up, ya know?

...

So, how do I get back home?

"Rai-chan, do we have to teach you _once again_ why running away from your baby-sitter is a _really bad_ idea?" Oh, Kurenai is back... and I absently notice that the vegetation in the area began to wither away. Yea, she's pissed.

I'm so glad **[ToA]** makes me immune to Killing Intent.

* * *

Meanwhile / Hokage Tower / Hokage's Office

Hiruzen

Hiruzen glared daggers at the dimensional crack in the dark corner of his room. Whatever exactly it is, the papers falling out of the rift infuriated him to no end: Not only were they outdated by at least fifty years, they also had to be filed away accordingly.

And they Kept. On. Coming.

That annoyance paled though in comparison to his student's defection.

And the growing unrest with the Uchiha.

And the recently rising bloodline purges in the Land of Water.

And the logistical nightmare that is the rebuilding process of a from-the-Kyuubi-attack-recovering Konoha.

And the attempts at negotiation with Kumogakure.

Oh, and Danzo had decided to be difficult again... Well, Konoha got a Mokuton (Wood Release) user out of that, but still...

Well, at least no one had realized (yet) that they had a new (potential) bloodline in their possession. Hiruzen did _not_ want to deal with that bureaucratic nightmare _anytime_ soon. It is bad enough that that kid is supposed to be a genius in the making, from what ANBU Dog had told him... Albeit some of the stories might be a bit over exaggerated. _'Walking during the third month? That's just too ridiculous to be true.'_

The door opened to reveal his secretary coming in with a cart filled with piles of piles of documents waiting to be signed. The God of Shinoby could barely restrain himself from breaking down at the mere sight.

 _'How had Minato done it? How had_ Tobirama _done it?'_

He really wanted to know.

* * *

 **Author's Notes**

* * *

Hi there.

... Wait, where did the crowd come from? 81 Reviews, 329 Favs and 530 follows? Guys, I just had three chapters written! O_o

Once again, I apologize for my late update. Writer's block is a... hazard, I guess. So much happened in the last weeks... Birthdays to celebrate... My birthday to celebrate... Tons of brainstorming to be held... Reading of lots and lots of FanFiction... Played Gunvolt a lot... Cried rivers because I don't have a Switch (yet)... Oh, and I'm in a long-term internship. So, nothing that justifies a long delay. Sorry, guys.

Anyways... I hope I haven't overdone it in this chapter... regarding craziness. Yes, Rai can speak now. Yes, she has a big problem regarding the acceptance of commercial 'drugs'... And yes, I'm implementing the Kitsune-Pet-Cliché... at some time.

Also, Kudos to [thebigestking] for his Idea. You know exactly what I'm talking about and it will irk everyone else to no end now. ;)  
Nah, I'm not (that) sadistic. He and I bounced some concepts around and, at some point, he created a tiny OUTTAKE for fun. Me being me, I extended on it. Thanks to him, Gymory and the is a thing now and the encounter with the fox happened the way it did.  
Hope you liked it. :D

(And yes, Rai decided to be a brat.)

Alright guys and gals (and extraterrestrials, if there are any), I have a few questions:

What do you want to see from the little lunatic-in-the-making?

I have a few ideas ranging from making her THE tanky medic you NEVER want to be treated by over a full-blown-infinite-two-gates-tajutsu-nut to a weapon mistress, who creates EVERYTHING out of her bones.  
 **PM** me or comment about your own ideas. I like to bounce some concepts around. You never know what concept might form in your head that may or may not actually work. For example: Did you ever thought about launching a bone spike infused with medical chakra at someone? [Imicus]'s idea and it's glorious! It gave me the Idea for the first character scenario.

The other question I have is:

Team or No Team?

This is actually something I'll make a poll for on my profile page and let it there until we reach... Hmm, the second to last year of the academy. Background is: Not everyone likes an OC replacing Sakura's place on Team 7 (or any other Character's place on other Teams) and not everyone like's OC-Teams or an OC running through everything alone... Or 4 Genin on one team, for that matter.  
That's why I'll give you a choice. I seriously dislike throwing more OCs into the mix if they aren't actually needed. Likewise, throwing Rai into an apprenticeship under Anko can give her only limited knowledge regarding teamwork... And having her rotate through the teams also brings problems.

Holy, I'm rambling too much. See ya next time.

Ps: For some reason, FF decides to swallow some words after uploading chapters. If you find grammatical errors - or errors in general - don't be shy and **PM** me. I'm unfortunately not omniscient. (would be cool though to know everything.)

Thank you for reading my ramble.


	5. Arc 1: Boons of a thick skull

**At long last-**

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own Naruto, Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft, Blizzard, Monolith, Google, Death, Life, Valhalla, Heaven, Hell...

* * *

Mid January

Night / Weather: Cloudless / Konoha / Gai's Apartment

Rai

The body I inhabit is now four years old.

Last year - as in, around thirteen months earlier, when I was three - on December the 27th, there was an attempt to kidnap the Hyuuga heiress, also known as Hyuuga Hinata. The head ninja of Kumogakure messed up, Hyuuga Hiashi punched his fist through his heart and, as a consequence, further traumatized the little girl and sealed his twin brother's fate. Just hours before all that, she had seen how the 'branch' family members and her cousin got a seal slammed on their foreheads which, upon activation, fries their brain.

Well, at least I _think_ she is traumatized now. Don't know for certain. I DO know that the kidnapping attempt had happened though.

What else had happened? Hmm... A bunch of background stuff, that's for certain. I think Itachi gains his Chunin title during this year. Three more years and he becomes an ANBU captain before he and Tobito reduce the Uchiha clan's numbers down to three - as far as I know, Madara is _currently_ dead.

Other than that... Well, nothing much happened. I annoyed Kurenai to no end, increased my **[Cooking]** -skill to level 42 (I left it there for now because I like the pun concerning all the answers to the universe), I managed to reach Level 2, spent all my ten stat points on Intelligence, _still wear that pink abomination of a dress_ , overall increased my stats... oh, and I can now read somewhat flawlessly. Writing on the other hand... I somehow managed to _seriously_ insult another person's parents, the parents grandparents, their cousins, their children, their ancestors and their pets... instead of writing "hello".

I let out a sigh.

Whenever Gai, Genma or Ebisu have visitors and I happened to be nearby, chances aren't low that they may discuss my 'genius'... Or whatever they may call it. Fact is: For whatever reason, the all encompassing blood-'limit' that is [The Gamer] allows me to calculate impossibly big numbers within my head, making me a 'mathematical genius' in the eyes of others. However, since my mental 'development' is, and I quote, "ridiculous", I'm 'just' called a genius.

Then I break their rose glasses by being an obnoxious brat. Why? Well, they pollute the air with their different chakra signatures and give me a murderous headache, that's why. Seriously though , I took _one damage every five seconds_ when I was in a room with more than five potent and unfamiliar chakra signatures for too long. That's a bit more than a quarter of my current Hp-generation, by the way.

Other than that... Well, **[Project Killing Intent]** maxed out at level 50. Summary: If I activate it, I _will_ be the priority target for enemies to take down... and it also unnerves ANBU now. Now I only have to find out how to _focus_ my _uncontrolled_ KI on a poor living being, but, to be completely honest, I have _no interest whatsoever_ to work at that.

*Sigh*

Slowly, but surely I get sick of the stats. Sure, it is somewhat funny at first, but as soon as you get accustomed to the whole thingamajig... Well, maybe I'm not _quite_ there yet, but, at some point at least, seeing numbers everywhere will become dull. Who cares about the _exact_ expiration date for a carton of milk? Who cares about the nutritional value of a piece of fried rice? And who in their right mind would want to have the countdown towards the 'World's End' on the top-right corner of their vision at all times? Certainly not me.

Anyways...

I am currently lying on the roof of the apartment and watch the night's sky. Cmoat's hollow former-prison and once-home to a civilization of human-alien-hybrids shines brightly amongst the vast, seemingly immortal and definitely far, far away suns... and the lights of the red light district, but let's ignore that area for now. Why am I lying on the apartment's roof and watch the celestial objects? Well...

I'm trying to create the 'Nocturnal'-Skill... Passive... Perk... Whatever, something that lets me customize my sleep schedule. It seriously irks me that I am not able to sleep until lunch time rolls around.

It's not like I feel exhausted in any way, shape or form when I decide to stay up for a night... or multiple nights... or an entire month. The [Gamer's Body] just... negates any kind of exhaustion while forcing me to not only wait until it is 8pm before I can go to sleep, but it also always wakes me up at five in the morning... Well, _my mental stability might go haywire, but_...

The night is _sooo much better_ than the day. The environmental, intangible tsunamis of chakra left by countless human beings calm down to a gentle breeze, only the odd Jonin, ANBU- or ROOT-operative race through the desolate streets or over empty rooftops, the sounds of the nightly predators and their victims (to be) can be heard everywhere... Short: It is peaceful.

And It gives me the perfect time to just relax and let my thoughts wander for a while.

...

Or glance at my inventory. That works, too.

 **[Quest Item]  
Kitsune Kit - Albino Lv.: 0**

Uh... Quest? What- oh. Oh.  
Woops.

Ah well. Everyone forgets to do stuff from time to time. It's not like the animal has any kind of life threatening injuries... right?

 **Hp: 2 / 50**

Right?

...

*Sigh*

So yea... People that _know_ about my existence _think_ that **[ToA]** and whatever it is the space-time-bending Kekkei Mora does to the way thoughts and values get processed within that gray matter of mine - as well as the fact that a ROA stuffed me into an infant's body - makes me a child genius. An _eccentric_ and _ridiculously childish_ child genius, to be exact, but let's not question these unintentional and intentional choices too much. It's irritating me all the same.

Someone who "suffers" from autism "just" processes thoughts in a different way than the majority of the human race. To give an example:

Let's say we have four six-year-old children who see a police car driving down the streets, the blue lights flashing. Obviously, something like this can very well be a source of excitement for these kids: After all, who doesn't like the good guys who beat the bad guys? (Well ,the baddies, of course, but they hardly count.)

So while three of the four children fall into excited chatter about catching thieves and saving old ladies, the fourth wonders how exactly the flashing of the blue lights work. Then, ten years later, the fourth kid breezes through the math, chemistry, physics and biology exams with ease while others struggle. Hard.

That's _Asperger_ Autism in a very, very, _very_ simplified nutshell. _Pure_ Autism is a whole other story. What makes it so hard to diagnose is that it exists in various forms. While one person may be completely unable to read other people's emotions, another one may understand them _too_ well.

Anyways... Here in the Elemental Nations there doesn't seem to exist the definition of 'autism'. Instead, they either bench these persons together with Geniuses, Prodigies, Eccentrics... or all three of them. Within Konoha, the only person I _suspect_ may have some traces of autism would be Itachi. Don't get me wrong, he is a genius, but he also acts, thinks and interacts with a whole different thought process behind the scenes. Another character I _suspect_ to have the _Asperger Syndrome_ would be Sasori of the red Sands.

I? Quite but not quite. As the Status menu showed, I have some _traces_ of it, which mostly shows in the way I evade loud chatter and large crowds. I also tend to _generally_ choose my words carefully and not give definite answers to stuff that might be invalidated in the future. Furthermore I hate to _promise_ something in the fear that I might forget about it and end up not holding my promise.

So, all in all, I _didn't_ really choose to be an "eccentric"... and if I did, then it was an unintentional choice. Personally, I don't mind. It's what I am. End of the discussion. I think practical if I want to. I act childish if I want to. I hoard every loose item if I want to.

So if the plot of Naruto lets me do my things, I let it do it's things. If it doesn't let me alone, I either shrug and go along with its suggestions or shoulder-charge it out of the way. Sure, a bunch of people die but as long as I am not in the immediate vicinity to trip Haku I can't prevent him from jumping on front of Zabuza... Which would be a shame, since the Hyooton (Hyoton? Don't know how to pronounce the weird ō) user looks girly enough that I may not feel too uncomfortable should we somehow ended up dating.

What? He is a boy who looks like a very pretty girl and I am a boy trapped inside a girl's body. Win-Win.

... No, not really. _I_ have no intention to procreate... Well, at least not right now. Don't know what future-me wants to do. However, considering I am a citizen of a military dictatorship and have access to the Death Bone Pulse, which is a _very_ valuable Kekkei Genkai... Yea, I'll most likely end up as a baby factory. First comes the attempt at indoctrination followed with a lot of active reductions of other people's lifespans... and then I'll be pushed into a political marriage of some sorts... probably... maybe...

Or I die through 'natural' means. That may work, too.

Anyways... Back to the nonexistent topic.

Why do I annoy the living hell out of my babysitters instead of attempting to hide my 'genius' and play the oblivious, smiling fool?  
Well, first: During the day I'll constantly have a headache, which usually makes me really, really grumpy. It's a good outlet.  
Second: Hiding stuff in a neighborhood where wall-walking people eavesdrop into every conversation when they want to? That got shot to oblivion once I started walking when I was three months old - a physically supposed-to-be impossible task, even with the future green beast yelling encouraging speeches into the ears of mine for what feels like eighteen hours a day. (I also blame [ToA] and my Kaguya bloodline. Even though I see Stats and Numbers everywhere, that one point in Strength required to start walking was ridiculously easy to earn.)  
And third: I make my babysitters' life difficult... because I simply want to. Gotta have to exploit my 'childish innocence' somehow, after all.

... And I want an excuse to purge social drugs from the plane of existence: I found out my inventory has a build-in trashcan function... which somehow teleports all the items into a nearby trashcan.

(Said teleportation of things tied to the 'trash-can' is apparently implemented so, and I quote the Pop-up message that had appeared once I threw something away for the first time, "Gamers can't just catch a tailed beast in a bottle and permanently get rid of it by 'throwing it away', completely screwing up the overall stability of the world in the process.")

(This implies that you are able to somehow place a bijuu (biju? Don't know how to pronounce the ū.) in a bottle.)

(This also implies that there may be a possibility that other Gamers exist... or had existed... Or the ROA just makes stuff difficult for the sake of making stuff difficult.)

(This also brings up the question why there is a 'trashcan-slot' in the first place. Seriously now, who implements a 'Fix' to cover a 'Game breaker', creating more game breaking holes in the process?)

(*Sigh*)

Yes, I don't tolerate anything related to alcohol or nicotine anywhere near my vicinity. I don't plan on getting a tumor again, thank you very much.

...

Well, great job at chilling out, me. Stargazing surely did not turn out into a rant about my second attempt at that whole being-alive-again-thingy. Not at all.

...

Let's talk about CMoat's prison then for a bit.

This planet hadn't had a moon before her imprisonment... right? Meaning, there _were_ no tides... right? If so, then that makes the Sage of Six Paths one of the most successful mass murderers of all times. I mean... Settlements once completely save from the salty water suddenly had to face the stormy tides of the sea because they were only one or two meters above the sea level. And even now, a thousand years later, representatives of living creatures of all kinds are still caught off guard by the changing sea levels, steadily increasing the old sage's kill count.

On the other hand, he couldn't have known. I'm pretty sure throwing a large rock into space was better than the alternative. It also didn't really helped that CMoat ruthlessly harvested the entire planet's natural chakra reserves... Or did she just converted human beings into plant people? Well, I only have to wait twelve years and nine months to ask her directly.

...

Yea, I'm out of topics.

That is actually a somewhat bigger flaw of mine: Other than video games and topics no sane human would converse about (like quantum physics, math, character-, game- and story design) I am... somewhat deficient in _initiating_ and _maintaining_ conversations. It will bite me in the behind at some point, that's for sure.

...

*sigh*

Alright.

It is two in the morning, I am incredibly bored and don't want to sleep in my hammock.

Yes, I sleep in a hammock. I dislike futons and I don't want to sleep next to Gai.

(Though, I have to admit, a biological heater during cold nights is nice.)  
(I'll have to visit the veterinarian soon... Or just skin the fox and be done with it.)  
(Nah. That animal might be better suited as a pet/heater.)  
(It's not like I can't just change my mind later on.)  
(It's obvious that I love animals.)  
(And yes, my mind is _out_ of the gutter.)

Well, thinking about Gai...

A mighty inferno assaulted my poor, poor head as the humming chakra-signature of Maito Gai appeared right beside me, just a few seconds before the now nineteen year old... Tokubetsu Jonin made himself comfortable on the roof. One of his arms wormed it's way into a half-hug with my four year old body and I acknowledged my... adoptive father's presence with a small nod, withholding a wince resulting from my gradually worsening headache. Instead of saying something though, my adoptive father felt content to just remain silent. Likewise, I continued to gaze at the vast amount of distant suns dotting the night's sky.

Just as I tried to hypothesize about the possibility of one of these suns being the home system of the Crazed Mother of all Things though Gai spoke up. "You know, I have never met a person who was able to stay perfectly awake for two months straight without showing signs of severe madness. Most of the time, their bodies collapsed into themselves way before then." Uh-oh, he isn't his usual obnoxious self.

I shrugged, fixing my gaze on the hollow, moon-shaped prison floating in space. "I walked when I was three months old and we all confirmed that my overall biology is a bit different. Is it that hard to believe that I can stay up for that long?"

Gai smiled, reflecting the _sun's_ light in the process. (Seriously, how does he do that? It's nighttime!) "Considering that my youthful daughter is prone to hoard every loose item within her reach in a _nonexistent_ storage seal whenever she thinks no one is observing... or randomly retrieve a slice of toast from it every now and then..."

I'm _definitely not_ munching on something right now. Not at all. "Whap elwe coulp ip be if ip's nop a stowap sheal?"

"That's a wonderful question, my youthful daughter."

I wait for him to begin one of his eccentric speeches... but the 'green beast' remained silent. Odd. Very odd. "So... Do you know what it is?"

"I'm afraid I do not, young one."

Gai is... not his usual _youthful_ self right now... Gods, I let _that_ word invade my mind! Err, yes, anyways... Crossing arms and Pouting! Pouting always helps! "How should I know then? I thought it was a gift from your eternal rival."

Gai... sighed? "Rai-chan, it is highly unyouthful to lie like that."

Well, now I'm pouting for real. "Hmpf, it's not like the alternative would sound way more ridiculous than 'there's a storage seal _somewhere_ ' or anything."

Gai... smiled again? "Ah, so my youthful daughter _does_ know something."

... Is he trying to guilt-trip me? Or am I mistaken it for something else? Bah, who cares. "I may or may not _not_ know nothing."

The green beast hadn't been confused by my wording in the slightest. "Well, pray tell me, little kindling, what is it you may not know nothing about?"

... Okay, now _he's_ confusing _me_. "Well... how unusual is it to see... _numbers_ everywhere?"

There's an... amused glint in his eyes. "In the office of a secretary, it wouldn't be unusual at all, but here, lying on the roof with _no one besides my youthful daughter within hearing range_ ," faint scuffling of limps could be heard if one listened closely enough, "well... In that case, it might be moderately unusual."

I raised one of my gray eyebrows. "Only moderately?"

"My Sensei, Akimichi Chouza, once forgot to bring his breakfast to the training grounds."

A beat of silence.

"How... how is the world still spinning?" I asked incredulously... before my attention shifts to the countdown to the 'world's end' on the upper right corner of my vision.

(It all makes sense now.)

That being thought, my... adoptive father continued as if nothing happened. "So, Rai-chan, enlighten me: How is 'seeing numbers everywhere' connected to 'hoard everything within sight'? Genma-kun, Ebisu-kun and I would like to know _why_ you raid our fridges of every scrap of milk every time."

Why? Because a reserve of nineteen thousand cartons of milk is not even _close_ to being moderately big enough. Unfortunately, I can't just tell him that to his face. So... how do I word it?

Answering with 'I have an all encompassing Video Game Bloodline' may complicate things... a lot. If I shrug, feigning ignorance, I _might_ be send to the T &I-department... like, there's a 10% chance that I might _not_ be send there, despite _liberating_ items from unattended warehouses. If I BS my way through, it will bite me in the behind later on. Worse though, in all three cases I would have harder access to calcium enriched food.

Going to sleep right now would not only delay this conversation by... one and a half hours, it would also be a major setback towards creating the (hopefully existing) Nocturnal-skill. Unacceptable outcome.

... It is good to know that my priorities are still straight.

"Well... ya know... there's this floating thingamajig. It's like a doohickey acting like a QSD hooked up to global W-LAN that manifests through the conglomeration of a lot of airborne radioactive waste arrayed to a singularity, which, in the end, let's me do stuff." There: I explained it. Ya can't say I didn't try.

"... I understood exactly nothing of that."

"Well, I can't just straight up say that there are message boxes floating around that make fun of me."

"... You just did."

"I did?"

"Yes, you did."

"Oh."

Well... there come the complications.

"So, these... message boxes." Gai really didn't seem to grasp the concept of that... or his brain is driven into overdrive and I just don't notice it. "You see them, but everyone else does not."

I... have no real answer for that, so I just shrug. "Dunno. No one ever raised as much as an eyebrow if a box popped up. 'thought it was an illusion at the beginning... until stuff disappeared and reappeared in it."

The taijutsu master thought for a bit before he answered. "So, if I guess right, you have... something that allows you to access a pocket dimension to store items in."

... He knows about pocket dimensions... oh, storage scrolls. They work on that principle... I think. Well, anyways... "Aaand it lets me do stuff."

"And it lets you do stuff." The green beast sighed. "You haven't upset Kurenai in any way, did you?"

I huffed. "Didn't I say moments ago that the boxes were not part of an illusion?"

"So you have upset her."

"'course I have."

My... adoptive father shook his head and dropped the subject. "Well... what do the boxes let you do?"

"Well... , apart from storing stuff in it, it also shows me numbers. If I increase these numbers, it... does stuff."

"Like?"

"Well... there is INT. If the number of INT increases, I become more intelligent... I think."

"And... how do you increase the number?"

"Well... apparently if someone or something hits the back of my head, it increases."

Gai... stared at me, his face completely void of all signs of emotions. Does he think I'm insane? Probably. He might also think that I'm being influenced by space-faring robot-calamari from a far, far away galaxy - hey, you never know what goes on in this universe.

Then, suddenly and without warning, he nodded to himself and everything became a blur...

 ***Thunk*** "KYAAA!"  
 **-599 HP. INT increases by 1. [Physical Resistance] reaches Lv. 11.  
HP: 51 / 650  
You got a concussion (major). INT and WIS are quartered until your HP are regenerated.**

Gai had punched the back of my head and, somehow, even though he had me in a one armed embrace, slammed me into the roof. Hard. If my calculations are correct, he would have done exactly 750 damage, but my enhanced biology (aka the Kaguya Origins with its '20% reduced damage taken from physical attacks'-buff) took 150 of that away, followed by the subtraction of one point of damage through that one armor point I got from physical resistance... My skull cracked, regardless.

(The embrace was a lie!)

Needless to say, it HURTS like a b-

"RAI-CHAN!"

 ***Thud*  
-39 HP  
HP: 14 / 650**

"Ow-owowow..." Falling through holes in the roof hurts... Especially if you land on the ground headfirst.

You know what? The floor is really, really comfortable... And the spinning stars are quite interesting to watch... and there's a fishing pole. Everyone knows fishing poles beat Ganon... right?

Zzz...

* * *

\- Morning - 5am -

 **] - - - [**

 **You slept in a bed. HP and CP were completely refreshed.  
Temporary Ailments have been cured.**

 **] - - - [**

The beautiful, beautiful throbbing of an all-too-familiar headache and an annoying message box announced the impending awakening of the heroine... aka myself. And boys (and gals), what an awakening it was. The vaguely familiar gray haired, glasses wearing doc seemed to think otherwise though, considering my thick skull impacted with his one when I came back from the realm of dreams. (I was SO CLOSE to defeating that Gundam operating Wind Waker Ganon though...)

"LOG-FRIGGIN-DAMNNIT-" Uh... my skull must be VERY resilient to trigger this kind of reaction from other people, but apparently also forgiving enough that the victim of my reaction brought by my rather sudden awakening had enough consciousness to censor most curse words. Huh.

So... considering I took residence in a hospital bed, it is safe to assume that I had been dragged there for examining. Again. How did it happen again?

...

Ah, Gai punched me. And then I fell asleep (unconscious?), injured as I was. (Why had he done that again?)

Hmm...

So... either Gai or Ebisu will come and take me back at around six or seven o' clock, which means I have to survive in this hospital room with its antiseptics filled atmosphere for a certain amount of time, with none other than the grumpy old medic as company.

(Why is he here anyways?)

Well, speaking... err, _thinking_ about the doc, he is currently sitting on a stool, massaging his head and drinking tea. I'll have to note it again, apparently my skull is REALLY thick. Hard. Whatever. I won't apologize to him for that nasty bump that's slowly, but surely forming on his head.

What kind of person leans his face over the head of a sleeping child anyways? Answer: The creepy kind. (Well, he might have tried to diagnose something - he's a doctor after all.)

"So... you're awake." Hot darn, I can practically feel the _euphoria_ emanating from the literal personification of a ray of sunshine. (At least my sarcasm is still intact.)

"Obviously."

The old man inhaled... and exhaled. "When your guardian brought you here, you had a nasty bump on your head. It's gone now, so don't you even think about whining about something like that."

I blink. Twice. Where did that come from? "Why should I complain about a bruise on my head?"

The old medic scoffed. "'cause that's what tiny prepubescent toddler seem to care about nowadays. Back in my days, girls your age had to do some real work while the boys were busy slaughtering each other."

"Well, good that I got born a lot later then."

The doc sighed. "Brats these days... Why are you here, anyways? Disease? Genetic malfunction? Bruised your pinkie finger? Or was it just the bump?"

I shrug. "My adoptive father probably dropped me off here. He punched me through a roof, ya know?"

The old man stared, then blinked, _then_ looked at his clipboard before he began to understand... Well, at least that's what's happening right now. Recognition, horror, relief and indifference followed... I think.

(Gods darn it, it takes far too much recourses from my brain's processing power to connect other peoples emotional outbreaks to _reasons_... Far too inconvenient.)

"Ah, Maito Gai, the loudmouth of a taijutsu nut." Huh, he started talking again? "If you want to make humanity a favor, please don't start dressing like him... or following the church of youth. No offense, but one is more than enough for the entirety of Konoha."

... Okay, he just asks for Rock Lee to meet Gai early. "... I'm pretty sure there are far worse father figures roaming around in the elemental nations." Like Danzo. Or Hidan. Or any of the Hyuuga- or Uchiha elders.

(Actually, Hidan might possibly a "good" father, for all I know. Massacring an entire nation sounds like a good, if odd, way to implement a lot of opportunities for father and child to bond with one another.)

The old man scoffed again. "And who would the _worse_ examples be?"

"Well, one is talking to me right now." I deadpan.

Aaand yep, he's irritated now. Probably not the smartest choice, considering the guy is a _medic_ , a guy who has _a lot_ of knowledge about the human anatomy and probably knows how to inflict _massive_ amounts of pain without killing the subject. Maybe I should consider to be one myself.

Just let the idea of a medic hiding behind a combat shield sink in for a bit: You plop that thing down between the enemy and the patient and just go to work. If StarCraft could do it, then I can do it, too. I'll just need good armor, a good, big shield and... extremely good chakra control... and a **lot** of medical expertise. But if the requirements are met, it would be _incredibly_ frustrating for any enemy to confront a team with a _lot_ of defensive equipment _and_ a high health regeneration factor. Also, since medics are quite high in demand, I'll probably not be send on too many high risk suicide missions outside of Konoha - despite some rather obvious issues here and there, I quite like to live a long life for once. Dying in a rather pathetic manner had already left quite the impression on my psyche, thank you very much.

Anyways... Weapons.

While I'm not the biggest fan of the somewhat quite overused Katana, I do see _why_ it's used so much: It's cost effective, agile, "simple" and deadly, though also somewhat frail. You can't hope to block a heavy swing from a "Zweihänder" - a large, two-handed blade - or a Greatsword and expect your blade to come out of that unscathed. However, if you are able to dual wield weapons, you may be quite effective with two of them. Something to look into, though I entertain the thought of using a single Greatsword in combination with a shield. It's not practical _at all_ , but who cares? I'll be a tank, I can afford to do stupid stuff for shits and giggles.

Though spears and naginatas would probably also prove to be quite a boon, especially in enclosed spaces - like small hallways. Their long reach would make them quite the good zoning tools, that's for sure. I should probably also invest some resources into acquiring good clubs, hammers and axes for higher damage output.

Oh, and archery. Who needs shuriken and Kunai if you have ' Shock- and Bomb arrows? Or a friggin' chakra cannon implemented into your combat shield?

As for close combat without 'weapons'... Let's just remember the fact that I'm a representative of a mostly annihilated clan once filled with bones wielding, bloodthirsty berserkers and my adoptive father is _Maito friggin' Gai_. I doubt there exist many people who would survive a GATES-empowered imitation of a hedgehog.

And the good thing to all of that: I can learn it all! I can create it all! Seriously, I can create shields, armor and weapons out of my _own friggin' bones_ if I want to... well, and once I know how to. Still: Kaguya op.

... Woops, got sidetracked again.

The old medic is still glaring daggers at me and his face looked like he had vented his anger in a verbal manner while I hypothesized about the stuff I could do in the future (heck, if I put my mind into it, I could do _everything_ short of creating another multiverse). Well, it's just _too_ bad I hadn't listened to his rant then.

Anyways... How do I get out of the hospital now?

... No, hold that thought, there's something more important to do right now... Wasn't there a quest about something? A ridiculously easy-to-complete quest that gave me _a lot_ of EXP if I get that little woodland critter healed?

(Now that I think about it a bit more, that tiny waste of inventory space is in there for... one and a half years? While in critical condition? It begs the question: Is the animal put into stasis or did it feel _unimaginable pain_ all the time it was trapped in the pocket dimension, unable to die because my ability said so?)

(I'm a terrible person.)

"Anyways, brat..." Huh? the guy is speaking again. "You got one hell of a regeneration factor. I had accidentally dropped a hot cup of tea at your face when you were sleeping and the burn receded within seconds." DA HELL? "Only that whisker marked nuisance could compete with that."

I stare blankly at the old medic, that sadistic sunnova- "And you're wondering why I consider Gai to be a better father figure than you."

His... face shifted into a deadpan. "Seriously? You actually believed me?"

"Eh?"

The old man slammed his open palm at his poor, wrinkly face. "Kid, you would've smelled like coffee if I had _actually thrown_ a cup full of it at you."

There was a pause.

"... The cup was empty, wasn't it?"

"Hah, so ya _do_ have a brain in that thick skull of yours."

... I decided that I don't like that old doc. I also decided that I don't like this hospital room.

So, without further ado, I jumped out of the bed, absentmindedly noticed the pink abomination of a dress I was _still_ wearing, made my way to the door, opened it-

A non descript person with a blank white mask slapped on his/her face was waiting in the doorway. "Maito Rai, the Hokage wants-"

 *** _Thunk!_ ***

 _'Nope. Don't wanna deal with that.'_

I barely recognized the old man's pathetic attempt at suppressing his mirth as I made my way back to the (uncomfortable) hospital bed to lay down again. _'So... what do I do now? There's a lot of downtime to pass till either Genma or Dad show up... or Ebisu, for that matter.'_

A Root-agent is waiting in front of door. Lovely. Just lovely.

I sigh and turned my attention to the only other person in this room. "So, mister doc-person... Since I'm apparently trapped here, can you teach me something?"

That request got a raised eyebrow in return. "Me? Teaching you? Why?"

I shrug. "Well, you're old, which means you survived wars and, thus, are automatically awesome. I would like to... well..."

"... Get on with it, kid."

"How do you make leaves stick to your head? Are handseals _really_ needed to form jutsus or are shinobi just too lazy to learn their stuff without using crutches? And how high has your control to be to... not screw up too badly if you use a healing technique?"

For a good minute, the old man just stared at me.

Then he answered. "Kid, you are four years old. You are supposed to play with rubber shuriken and ask why clouds are hanging in the sky-"

"Isn't it obvious? Clouds are nothing but accumulations of steam. Once enough of the H2O-particles clump together so the strong winds up there can't keep their weight in the air anymore, they fall down as rain... Well, something along the line and definitely more fancily written."

Silence.

"... Kid, do you know how to access your chakra?"

"Nope."

The man sighed. "... Do you know how to make a Ram-seal?"

"Nope."

Another sigh escaped his mouth, followed by his hands crashing together into... something. "Well, it looks like this: Hands clasped together, ring and pinky finger down, index and middle up. Hold them like this and concentrate really, really hard. It should allow you to access your chakra."

I tilt my head to the side, but started to form the Ram-seal regardless- "Yikes!" ( **-1 HP** ) The old man had poked my pinky finger with a needle. "What was that for?"

"Seal's wrong. Start over."

Grumbling, I did as I was told- **-2 HP** "By the poop of friggin- Stop That!" The doc had poked both my left pinky finger and my right thumb.

"Pain's the best way to learn. Do it again."

Well, if you want to, you old fart- **-1 HP** "Ouch... What was that for?"

"You thought out loud. Now get back to the seal."

... I hate the doc- **-1 HP**. "REALLY? I hadn't even started!"

"Exactly. Get going, lad."

* * *

\- A little while later -

Hiruzen

Although the day was still very young, the God of Shinobi could tell it would be a very bad one. Why? Well, apparently his late successors son, Uzumaki-Namikaze Naruto, the Jinchuriki of the mightiest of the tailed beast, had been literally thrown out of the orphanage. Not only that, but apparently some drunkards seemed to have found great joy in throwing sharp objects at the young boy, hospitalizing him.

The worst part though: If the Sandaime Hokage hadn't accidentally topped over one stack of his paperwork, he wouldn't have found the _small notification_ buried within. How his personnel had failed to inform him that the four year old child had been thrown out _four months ago_ was beyond his understanding. By the Sage, the blonde's wellbeing was important!

The Third didn't know how Naruto's status as the Kyuubi's Jinchuriki had leaked through to the civilian portion of Konoha's citizen. He had only disclosed the boy's heritage and current state of being to the Shinobi portion of the council, but _someone_ \- Hiruzen strongly suspected Danzo to be that certain someone - had started a certain rumor about "the Demon Fox taking the form of a newborn, whisker marked baby" and the rest was history. The rumors became so bad that the Sarutobi Clan Head felt the need to not only inform the civilian side of the council, but the entirety of the Konoha citizens as well... and remind everyone of a certain _law_ :

 _Unauthorized publishing of sensitive information ranked S or above shall be punished by death._

Naruto being a Jinchuriki was definitely sensitive, S-ranked information. However, Hiruzen wasn't able to simply wipe out three quarters of the civilian portion of the village without facing the glaring consequences.

How the other Hidden Villages hadn't become wind of the whole Jinchuriki-fiasco was beyond the Sandaime's understanding.

 _'I'm too old for this.'_

So here he was, in front of the hospital, in order to deal with the aftermath. Although the clan heads, be they from the four noble clans or from minor ones, had proposed to adopt him, but... well, let's just say that some didn't trusted the other to not use said adoption for political gain - a certain fact one Shimura Danzo only fueled more fire into since _he_ wasn't allowed to turn the boy into one of his operatives, using him as nothing more but a weapon.

In the end, Naruto would most likely have to live on his own - alone in an apartment the Hokage would have to assign to him... with more ANBU guards watching over him.

The aged Kage was just about to step into the hospital...

 _ **"BLOODY MURDER!"**_

... when highly potent Killing Intent assaulted his senses.

 _'Is the Kyuubi breaking out?'_

Not wasting any second, the leader of the Village Hidden in the Leaves performed a sealless Body Flicker and practically flew through the hallways at a breakneck speed before halting in front of an opened door.

There, in his field of vision, he saw an ROOT operative - he would have to have a few words with Danzo in the future -, Uchiha Asama - one of Konoha's best medics - and, slammed against the wall by the operative, a certain young descendant from a clan filled with bone wielding berserkers.

Said girl had bones sticking out of her right shoulder, left palm and the middle of her torso.

"Well... didn't expected _that_ to happen. That's the last time I'll teach someone to access their chakra network, that's for sure." The gray haired man then faced Hiruzen and greeted him with a nod. "Greetings, Hokage-sama. It would be much appreciated if you order _your_ ANBU to release my patient. Brat's already insufferable without her being irritated by that incompetent idiot- never mind, guy already fled the scene."

Hiruzen however could only stare at the bones sticking out of the white haired girl's body, who - apparently through a fourth bone sticking out of her rear - hung awkwardly and upside down on the wall, emitting _incredibly potent_ KI all the while.

"If someone would be so nice to GET MY GOD-DARN REAR OUT OF THE WALL, it would be MUCH appreciated."

Seconds later, the two old men could hear the cracking of a bone. The girl fell unceremoniously to the ground headfirst before falling on her stomach. She tried to get up again, only to find out that the bone sticking out of her chest had planted itself in the wooden floor.

While the old medic laughed as if there was no tomorrow, Hiruzen had only one thought crossing his mind.

 _'This will result in_ so much _additional paperwork...'_

* * *

 **] - Status - [**

Name: Maito 'Kaguya' Rai [Lv.: 2] [EXP to next Lv.: 783]  
Age: 4  
Class: The Gamer  
Title: Overconfident Child 'Genius'

HP: 650 (0.81/s)  
CP: 230.0 (0.04/s)

STR: 11 / VIT: 20  
DEX: 13 / AGI: 9  
INT: 41 / WIS: 36  
Luck: 1

 **Defining Traits**

 **[ - Kaguya Origins - ]** [+]  
 _"You are the bone of your club."  
_ \+ 1 STR and 3 VIT per Level.

 **[ - Traces of Autism - ]** [+]  
 _"So that's what they call 'eccentrics' these days?"_

 **[ - Chakra Hypersensitivity - ]** [+]  
 _The trait that turns an embrace into the equivalent of an iron maiden._

 **[ - Gamer's Body - ]**  
 _"Who called in the fl- cheat?"_

 **] - - - [**

* * *

 **Aothor's Notes**

* * *

 _*Hide's the Switch underneath the bed covers*_  
Err... Hi there?

So, ya all think probably something like "After almost one and a half months, this selfish piece of biological waste decides to update with another badly worded chapter"... right? Sorry guys, got distracted... a lot.

Why has Gai punched Rai into the roof? Well... first off, he thought she was either an imposer or needed a _really_ good hit on the back of her head to make her sane again. Second reason... I'm _bad_ at writing scene changes. :O

(I have a feeling that Rai will slowly, but surely mutate _somewhat_ into Kushina - personality wise, that is.)

On a side note: Got a Switch, got BotW and guess what I did for the majority of the time: Increased Stamina and ran through the game with only three hearts for the first twenty hours - playtime, that is. When did I complete the first divine beast? After playing for 70 hours and raiding castle Hyrule, of course... oh, and flying through the world by creating a flying machine. ;) (Even the game's glitches are awesome! :D )

And... yea, I read a lot of fiction again. I know, it is one of the singe greatest offenses to read stories of other authors if you are an author yourself and I should die in a fire, but I couldn't help myself. The community is awesome. T_T

(If you enjoy Gamer-based fiction, **Heliocentrism** is a personal favorite of mine. I hope it get's updated soon. :O )

Anyways...

For everyone who hasn't already voted, I created a **Poll on my profile Page** concerning Rai's placement into one of the various teams or being abducted into an apprenticeship. Currently, "Team Kickass" (Ino, 'nata, Rai), the Apprenticeship and Team 7 (Rai replaces Sakura) are on the top.

And... darn, I'm tired. It's currently rather late at night here in Germany and my brain slowly, but surely shuts down. So, before I humiliate myself any more than I did already, I'll end this by thanking every one of you for the amazing support you... showed? Is that the right term? Seriously though, I don't deserve you, guys. Y'all are awesome!

Don't feel shy to review. While I can't answer to guest reviews directly, I still enjoy to bounce off some ideas.

Thank you for reading my ramble.


	6. Arc 1: Elusive

**Disclaimer** : I don't own Naruto, Blizzard, Nintendo, Microsoft, Sony, CNN, Das Erste, ZDF, BBC, a cat...

* * *

\- March -

An animal

Darkness. Blackness. Emptiness. A vast, vast space of nothing. And pain. A painful throbbing torso, an immense itching behind the ears, far too many broken bones to count...

 _\- I dead... or alive? Where great burrow? Why great hurt not stop? -_

The little thing didn't knew anymore. All it knew about now was darkness, emptiness and the painful throbbing of unhealed injuries.

At some point in time, the little thing didn't register the pain anymore, too used to its presence after what felt like an eternity. But while her mind stopped to react to the painful throbbing seemingly millennia ago, the creature's body did not, as it convulsed into spasms in regular intervals.

At some point, the furred animal tried to sleep, dream about better days, a time where it roamed through the woods, fleeing from gigantic, two-legged titans and their pointy bits of metal. Dream about the taste of slimies, crunchies, ewwies and the flow-y stuff that falls from the sky sometimes.

Dream about her suffering to stop.

Why wouldn't it stop?

Why wasn't the Great Predator hunting her down?

Why wouldn't she fade away?

She was dead... was she?

The great, white-furred, small-two-leg had made her wish come true... right?

...

 _\- Dark scary. Death scary. -_

* * *

Early Afternoon - Weather: Sunny

Konoha

Genma

"Are we there yet?"

Genma sighed. "No."

The day had started fairly normal. The Chunin had awoken at seven in the morning, went into the bathroom, got under the shower, washed himself, gout out, got dressed, brushed his teeth somewhere down the line and ate his breakfast. Gai was currently out on a mission, so Ebisu and him had drawn sticks in order to determine who would have to house the living logistical nightmare for the duration of the taijutsu nut's absence. Originally, Ebisu had drawn the short end, but literally ten seconds later, the sunglasses wearing Chunin had been summoned for a mission.

Which meant Genma had to watch over little Rai- _Shiitake-chan_ and provide food, a sleeping space, safety and a ton of milk for her. How the little girl managed to digest quadruple her mass in food every day without gaining an ounce of fat was beyond him.

"Are we _theeere_ yet?"

"No."

Speaking of massive amounts of food: For the longest time, Genma had wondered how the little girl got her hands at the rather exotic device that let her roast the also rather exotic slices of bread - or how she got her hands on the rather exotic tableware she uses to smear honey and butter on mentioned roasted slices of bread. He doubted his young ward went on a trip all the way to the land of snow.

However, _now_ he knew how and where the little gremlin got her hands on it.

"Can I blast the air with KI?"

"You _can_ , but you are _not_ allowed to."

In hindsight, it should have been quite obvious that the little Kaguya preferred to go into places little kids weren't allowed to visit... _ever_ \- though _every_ child in her shoes would do the same... well, apart from the Hyuuga-heiress, if the notorious gossip of the current head of T &I, Inoichi Yamanaka, was accurate.

Anyways...

Usually, when kids play in a park, they _stay_ at least _near_ the park - well, usually - and play kids-games like "Ninjas versus Pirates", "Play Ninja", "Catch the Kunai", "Watch the Clouds", "Bully the Outcast", "Flee from the hot-red Habanero as if your life depends on it - because it does" (well, _Genma_ used to play that game a few times - against his will) and "Poop into the Sandbox".

Then again, multiple high ranking Shinobi - including the Hokage - attest that the little red-eyed girl is clinically insane.

"My head hurts! Why is there soooooo much fallout in the air?"

"To quote your words: Because it exists for the sole purpose to make you suffer."

"Ex-act-ly!"

When Genma had been summoned to the Hokage Tower and assigned a _B_ -ranked mission to 'capture an elusive thief', he hadn't thought much about it. Sure, the kid was a walking calamity when it came to socializing with her age group ("Are they eating _rocks?_ ") and he _kinda_ dismissed the whole portable storage conundrum... as well as the unorthodox food... and the fact that children do incredibly stupid things if they get bored...

In his defense, the Chunin couldn't have possibly known that the little disaster's notorious kleptomania extended to such dimensions... and how ridiculously unfair access to an untraceable pocket dimension is...

(It also sounded like a load of bullshit.)

Though, in hindsight, it had been glaringly obvious. In fact, it had been SO obvious that he rammed his head into a wall out of shame. He had chalked the mere possibility up as _incredibly unlikely_ , since, obviously, _there's no way that that little maggot could fit an entire pile of sustenance into that seal..._ right?

Right?

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

In any case, when he made his way to Warehouse 11 - the one and only warehouse the 'elusive thief' had stolen from - it shouldn't have been surprising to find the little, white haired girl in it. Thinking nothing of it at first, he made his way to the little nuisance and wanted to scold her thoroughly. Why wouldn't she just stay in the park?

It was then that he saw her grabbing an entire _crate_ of toast and storing it... somewhere.

He should have known better.

He really should have known better.

Well, so here they were, on their way to the tower.

"Are we there yet?"

And little R-Shiitake-chan decided to be a pain in the behind... again.

"No, we are not. Why do you ask?"

The little girl shifted with her tiny limps, unconsciously (or consciously) smacking him on the head a couple of times. Why had he allowed her to sit on his shoulders again? "Well... seeing that you go in circles for about two hours..."

Genma stopped walking. "Girl, when you get a mission to catch an 'elusive thief' and find out that said 'elusive thief' is none other than your own ward... How would you react?"

The girl's answer came fast. "Give 'em a knock on the back of the head."

The Chunin raised an eyebrow. "So they end up in the hospital?"

"Ex-act-ly. They got caught, so they should get punished. There has to be _some_ motivation to do better next time."

The Shinobi sighed. "Rai-" ( _'darn, now I'm starting to call her that, too_ '), "-chan, stealing from others is not good-"

"So? Does that mean you're evil?"

The chunin groaned "No."

"See? So there's no problem."

Genma gave up. He didn't know how often Ebisu, he and Kurenai had tried to lecture her that stealing other people's belongings is _bad_. The girl, however, wouldn't hear any of that - all because of "Logical Reasoning":

Genma was aware that Shinobi are depicted as the 'good guys' in every media - be it books, stories, history lessons, theatre plays, films and/or games. Ninjas were not only the good guys, but also 'awesome' - and children wanted to be awesome, right?

The little girl however was unbelievably smart, incredibly stupid and, to some parts, ridiculously stubborn at the same time. She could see underneath the underneath if she decided to actually care about her surroundings. She knew that Ninjas stole, killed, tortured, raped, whored, lied, pillaged and died for their village... or if their Kage said so. She also knew that, as a civilian, you would be more or less exposed to the whims of the ones in charge - meaning the Shinobi - and had less than stellar survival chances if you didn't live inside a Hidden Village... or if said ninja village was under siege.

Anyways...

Her thought process worked like this:

Shinobi are good. Shinobi stole goods. Therefore, Stealing goods was good... if you were a Shinobi.

Rai... wants to be a Shinobi, therefore she has to learn and train (hard). And so, by _her_ logic, if you were a Shinobi in training (even though she didn't really train yet) you were allowed to steal.. or, in her words, _borrow other people's stuff for an undetermined amount of time_.

That and because she just didn't _want_ to understand why it is a bad thing...

' _No_ ' Gemna decided, _'She most certainly_ knows _that it is a bad thing, but she does it anyway simply to be a pain in the behind.'_

So the Chunin decided to voice out his thoughts. "Rai... Why are you set on making everyone's life more difficult? We both know that you know better, so why do you act... _childish_?" The little girl opened her mouth. "Aside from being a child, that is?"

That stopped her initial answer. Genma had learned a long time ago that you had to carefully specify _and_ grammatically structure your sentences if you wanted to get either a clear answer or an answer that actually... answered your question, for a lack of better wording. She quite enjoyed it to be difficult.

So, when the Chunin mentally prepared for another childish reply, he was somewhat caught off guard when the four year old slumped down on his head and let out a tired sigh. Her voice, too, sounded very tired. "I'm coping."

THAT was a new one. "Coping?"

Rai (' _Huh... I'm really calling her by that now.'_ ) shifted a bit before she continued. "My... mind is running on constant overdrive... or something. Maybe it's just overloaded, dunno. However if it isn't occupied by something, I... tend to over-think everything from... a 'realist's' side of view and that get's... depressing. Fast. So I... well, do something else... Like annoying Kurenai because she's awesome... sometimes."

Genma mentally filed the last bit of information away for later use. "So, what are you thinking about when your mind isn't occupied?"

"Well..." the young one paused for a bit... before dangling a foot-long bone-spike in front of his eyes. ( _ **-10HP / -40CP**_ **)** Genma had to consciously fight the instinctual urge born from his life as a Shinobi to _not_ swat it away with lethal force. "See that? I don't know how many are out there that can do that, but I doubt there are many. I'm pretty sure that there's a chance my... _babies_..." The Chunin felt her shudder at this word, "may... be able to do that, too. I dunno when girls can get... babies, but I DO know that it takes around... nine months? Something along the line... to make a baby. - _I heard it is painful to get it out of the tummy._ -" The chunin acted as if he hadn't heard the young one's mutter. "Well, anyways, assuming a human female starts to get laid once she's fifteen and proceeds to pop out babies before her organs fail her with fifty-something-ish years at the very latest, there'll be around fourty-seven kids running around... give or take the odd twins, triplets or stillborns. So even if only... let's say ten percent at the very lowest... successfully inherit the bone thingamajig, that's still four or five kids that can run amok and/or multiply themselves - especially if they are boys."

"So yea, I have reason to believe that I get abused as a baby-factory in the future."

"That's... a very pessimistic outlook for the future." Genma didn't know if he should go into the nearest bar... or start to puke on the spot. The worst of the girl's - somewhat exaggerated - reasoning was that it was more than likely to actually happen.

" _Realism_. It's called _realism_."

"My point still stands."

"Anyway... Nara or Aburame? Which are better... husband-... material..?"

The Chunin didn't want to hear anything of that. "No boys. **Ever!** "

Rai became... for a lack of a better word, grumpy. "Hey, if my opinion had any value whatsoever, I would turn them into cheese the moment they lay their dirty fingers on me!" Then she paused. " _It'll only get problematic if they'll use artificial methods... Eh, can always impale the fetus._ " Even though the last part of her reply came out as nothing more than quiet muttering, the fact that Rai rested her head on top of Genma's and he had _very_ good hearing, he understood it quite clearly.

 _'Note to myself: Only let her sit on_ one _shoulder in the future. She might most likely trigger hedgehog-mode through sneezing.'_

"Also," the girl continued, "We both know the whole 'No Boys-thingy' won't be achievable... _unless the world truly ends in under thirteen years._ " Once again, the last part came out as a quiet mutter.

The Chunin decided to get back to the original topic. "So, if I understood correctly, you are being a pain in the behind... because it's your coping mechanism. Aside from thinking about something _a four year old_ should _never_ think about - ever -, are there more reasons that justify you being... you?"

He couldn't see it, but Genma was pretty sure that the girl sitting on his shoulders puffed her cheeks out. "Hypersensitivity su- is really, really mean."

For once, the Shinobi acted as if his ward wasn't about to say something crude. "Go on. What is so bad about your sensitivity?"

"It's..." She breathed in... and out. "Imagine someone kicked your balls." He did. It wasn't a pleasant thought. At all. "Painful, isn't it? That should be the general intensity of the constant headache... well, maybe a bit more painful. Ya know what I mean."

"Yea, that doesn't sound pleasant."

"The worst though: It's all so... messy. Like someone is burning diapers and forcing all that gaseous stuff into my brain at once."

Genma shuddered. After _That Fateful Day_ Ebisu, he and Gai uniformly decided that burning the diapers of a little infant was _A Really, Really Bad Idea_.

"I would _really_ appreciate some pointers regarding this whole sensing thing though."

Genma raised an eyebrow. "Kurenai isn't teaching you?"

"Err... No? She's a sensor?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Really really?"

"She, indeed, is a sensor."

In that moment, the on-a-senbon-chewing-chunin could practically feel how the candle inside the girl's head suddenly lightened itself. "Oooh... So, if I hadn't pissed her off-

"Language."

Rai most likely puffed out her cheeks again. "If I hadn't _greatly upset_ her, then she would've given me pointers?"

"Maybe."

"Aww, darn it!" Two tiny hands smacked on his head in frustration, the right one - thankfully - at a somewhat awkward angle though. Rai still had that foot-long spike sprouting out of her right palm. Genma would've been _really_ pissed if she had poked his head with that thing.

The Senbon enthusiast shrugged, consciously unbalancing the little girl a bit - much to her discomfort. "Don't worry, kid. Just say sorry to her once one of us abandons you at her house again. It'll be _fine_."

"You are _such_ a nice uncle, uncle."

"Just don't annoy her too much. I won't guarantee your safety if you stay adamant on getting a raise from her."

"Yea, yea, I hear ya." The girl had answered in a way that clearly implied the opposite.

Genma shrugged again, unbalancing the girl once again, causing her to flail around with her arms and repeatedly smack him on the head. "To come back to the whole 'Liberating of other one's possessions'," He felt how the flailing stopped - the girl was listening: " _Why_ are you doing it, anyways? You could get what you want through _legal_ methods, for example."

The girl seemed to ponder on that a bit, leaving the chunin to listening to the chatter of Konoha's citizens. Before the twenty-one year old Shinobi could worry about her though, the little Kaguya apparently skipped a few thoughts before voicing out her question: "So, does that mean I get pocket money now?"

Genma blinked. Then he blinked again. "Am I missing something?"

Though he couldn't see her face, the young adult was quite certain that the little girl deadpanned. "In order to acquire merchandise through legal ways, you need something to trade with... like money. No one gave me money, so I couldn't get the stuff I needed through what you call 'legal methods'. Also: No one had ever told me to the face that I could never _not_ do it like I did... or the other way around, for that matter."

"And you did it just because you could do it."

"That, too."

The Shinobi sighed. "You know that you are in deep shit right now, right?"

The little menace poked his cheek with the bone spike still sprouting out of her left hand. "Language. And yes, I am aware that my clothes are nothing but infuriating pink pieces of glorified _manure_ , thank you very much."

Mostly controlling his annoyance, Genma swatted the offending appendage away, unbalancing the child in the process. "Kid, I'm serious here. Since you ' _liberated_ ' a lot of stuff from ' _unattended_ ' warehouses _and_ being quite ' _elusive_ ' while doing it, a low B-ranked mission had been opened up. Guess who we are visiting now?"

"Kurenai?"

"No."

"Aw man, why not?"

The senbon enthusiast groaned in annoyance. It was all too clear that the child played dumb. "Kid, you're going to be brought before Hokage-sama."

 _That_ seemed to bring the point home, considering she ceased her struggling-

"I'm not send to Torture and Interrogation?"

Genma resisted the urge to groan once again. Rai sounded _disappointed_ that she wasn't send to T&I. "Girl, that's nothing you-"

"The old man smokes! The room most likely reeks of whatever he's smoking, meaning I have no other choice but to inhale the stuff if I don't want to suffocate!"

Genma's right eye twitched. "Kid, _Maito Gai_ , your adopted _father_ , _broke your trice-darned thick skull_ and you made a full recovery _within minutes_! I'm certain that you would easily survive a fall from the Hokage Monument and still run around like nothing happened afterwards. _And you want to tell me that you can't recover from a bit of passive smoking!_ "

"Nope, that wasn't what I wanted to tell you." the girl stated defiantly, absentmindedly poking his shoulder with the spike.

"So what _IS_ it what you wanted to tell me?" the chunin 'asked' exasperated, swatting the offending bone away once again.

"It stinks."

"It stinks?"

"It stinks."

The young man would have looked incredulously at the young menace if she didn't sit on his shoulders. "So, you prefer a visit to the _Torture and Interrogation_ Division over a visit to our village's leader... because the latter's room _might strongly_ smell like tobacco."

"Your mental proficiency and ability to connect dots together will never cease to amaze the populace."

"Says the girl who repeatedly sprints face-first against walls to 'raise her physical resistance.'"

Sh- _Rai_ poked his cheek again. "I'm a young, innocent child _(with, admittedly, some loose screws in the head)_ with a crazy adoptive father! What's your excuse?"

Genma dropped the child unceremoniously to the ground. "Kid, your innocence died the moment you decided to blast everyone with _Killing Intent_ during your days as a toddler... and _your_ father figure and I had been teammates since I was _ten_ , meaning I had been exposed to his antics and eccentric tendencies far longer than you."

While he talked, Rai tried to retaliate by turning the Chunin's legs into chopped meat, only to be swatted away every single time.  
(He made a mental note to buy new, reinforced clothing though.)

Anyways: "So, kid, prepare to meet our leader."

* * *

Rai

The tower loomed over us like an Ultralisk standing above a Marine, like a demonic, gigantic, apocalypse bringing dragon staring down a lone girl, like a titanic, laser vomiting metal calamari glaring down a single soldier...

Or, to be more precise and less exaggerating: It loomed over us... like a tree.

...

There ye go, oh representative of a homicidal species, the verbal prowess of thee shall be passed down to the descendants thou may gift with the privilege to inhabit the world.

*sigh*

As always, I have _huge_ problems with focusing my thoughts. I don't know if it has something to do with stuffing an _adult_ 's mind into a _baby_ 's brain, if _dying_ damaged my awareness-thingy, if I just became that insufferable, if it's something else... or if it's a mixture of all these things. Fact is: My biological CPU only seems to have access to one kilobyte of RAM-Space that redistributes data to my biological HDD almost immediately, in addition to questionable priority settings in the BIOS... or something along the line.

I miss my computer. And Starcraft II. Who cares that I only managed sixteen Actions Per Minute, it's more than enough for playing Protoss.

...

I wonder... Can I create a computer through usage of Seals? More importantly: Can I re-create games like _Starcraft_ , TLoZ, Smash, Minecraft or _Skyrim_? (Gods forbid, that last one would take _centuries_!)

(... Great, now I am aware that I died _before_ I got a hold of a Switch and "Breath of the Wild".)

 **] - New Set of Milestones created - [**

 **(Lv.: 50) For my name is 01010010 01100001 01101001...  
** _You missed your games a BIT too much it seems._ **  
Objectives**  
Gain a variation of the title "Fuinjutsu Master"  
Create Chakra Storage Seals/Containers  
Create a functioning Computer through the usage of seals  
Create functioning Games through the usage of seals  
Raise an army of Automatons  
Recreate the Hiraishin  
Compress the Sanbi to the size of a kitten  
Write one thousand flawless C-ranked (or higher) seals in one day  
Create _a_ Seal to print multiple kinds of Seals  
Stay focused on a task for 20 hours straight

( _May be continued in the future_ )

 **Rewards per completed objective:**  
100 EXP, Cosmetic Items, BGM, Carton of Milk (Epic Quality)

 **] - - - [**

Uh... okay, that happened... but, well, the 'Game' does have some nice ideas.

Currently, my plan for distributing the Stat points is to dump them all into Intelligence for the sole reason to gain a huge Chakra Pool once my Physical Energy catches up - aka Gai jumpstarts my training. I doubt I will have much time (or motivation) to work through a bunch of books after finishing one hundred laps around the village's walls, so...

Err, what I wanted to say is... If there aren't _easy-to-access_ passive techniques that boost the amount of Chakra one can store - which I hope exist -, then my CP will probably hover around eight-hundred or a thousand or something like that when I graduate... nah, let's make it five hundred... No, Six. Six-hundred it is... for now.

So, my point is... External Chakra Storage Contraptions ( _Ugh, I have to find a better name for that_ ) in the form of Metroid-style Health Containers would be a nice addition to... my future arsenal. My CP are limited and even though there exist techniques that absorb _other people's_ Chakra (heck, I just have to ram a bone spike into a victim and "drink the juice"), I sincerely _doubt_ my... _body_ would appreciate a foreign source of chakra running through my coils. Seriously, that sounds like a really pathetic way to die. However, since my body doesn't reject the Chakra _I'm_ producing (yet), it should thus be logical to assume that, if I fill a bottle with my chakra, I'm able to consume the contents again **if** I need them.

Not only that, external Chakra Storage would allow me to create Chakra-powered weapons which wouldn't _immediately_ consume Chakra from _my_ reserves if I want to use them. If Kisame is known as the Biju without a Tail, then I'm more than able to kick his behind in that department courtesy of my wonderful, wonderful bullshitery known as 'Infinite Inventory Space', also known as Hammerspace.

... Well, looks like I'll have to work on calligraphy then... Ugh.

WHY EXIST THERE SO MANY CHARACTERS?

 ***Thunk* -3HP**  
 **[Physical Resistance] reaches Lv.: 15**

"Oww... Who put the door there?"

"The carpenter." Ugh, of _course_ Genma had to be a smart-butt about it.

So, yea... we stand in front of a door... in a building... What was the occasion again?

...

Ah, yes, the whole Khage-meeting-thingamajig... Why exactly am I here again?

...

Ah, inventory-bullshitery. That's why.

Man, my attention span - or ability to care about as mentally "unimportant" filed stuff - is, like, nonexistent. I have to _seriously_ work on that.

 **] - New Quest created - [**

 **(Lv.: 15) Dr. What's-His-Name's Brain Training**  
 _Your almost complete lack of focus is a giant pain in the behind, so you're gonna fix that._

 **Main Objectives**  
Increase your WIS to at least 125  
Unlock the Skill **[Focus]**  
The Skill **[Focus]** has to reach Lv.: 20  
Befriend a Nara  
Befriend an Aburame  
Eat 1000 healthy meals (good quality and above) (0/1000 meals)

 **Bonus Objectives**  
Complete (or fail) the quest **For the Fuzziness!** before the end of the year  
Increase your INT to 95 before you become 12 years old  
Stay focused on a task for 2 hours straight

 **Main Rewards** :  
50 EXP, BGM, **Blueprint: Glaive** , Carton of Milk (Good Quality)

 **Bonus Reward:**  
Quest Level +5 (per Bonus Objective completed)

 **] - - - [**

...

Man, my... lack of focus is apparently _so bad_ that the 'game' had to create a quest to trigger just a tad bit of _interest_ for me to get my butt in gear and work on it. It also not-so-subtly ordered me to befriend Shikamaru and Shino... not that that is a bad thing: They _would_ be helpful with the whole brain training, with both of them being good strategists and all, and they were great characters in the story, too. Don't know how _this world's_ versions will turn out to be, but I doubt their personalities will shift _too_ much from canon, despite me subconsciously nuking the plot.

And Blueprints, huh? Glaive, glaive, glaive... that's no Japanese weapon... I think. And since these don't seem to be blueprints for a Glaive _Cannon_ , I also doubt that they give me access to Protoss-Tech.

Man, I really have to learn more about weapon types.

...

...

...

What? No quest?

 ***Twack*** **-3HP  
INT increased by 1**

"Oww, what was that for?" For real now, why had Genma flicked me on the back of my poor, abused head?

"Girl, you're standing in front of Hokage-sama's office door for the last ten minutes."

...

That wasn't Genma.

That was... some random ANBU/ROOT/whatever-guy. Honored Elite-Body-Guards-thingy? Don't remember, don't care.

Hmm...

Actually, where is Genma? Did he leave me here? _I thought we had a healthy relationship!_

... Ugh, I really don't like the day. Far too many signatures that interfere with my brain's signal...thingies.

...

Wait, is _that_ the reason my attention span is in the gutter?

No! Stop! Focus! Talking with the old man has priority!

Ugh...

Alright, just... open the door that's leading to the chain-smoker in charge of the village.

So, I push open the door-

 **[ - Singularity Detected - ]  
Warning!  
The FOE trapped beyond this Singularity greatly outclasses you.**

 **(Lv.: 70) Demon of Bureaucracy, Papyros**

 **[ - - - ]**

"What In The Name Of Amon's Tentacle-Beard-"

* * *

 **To be continued...**

* * *

 **Author's Notes**

* * *

*Hides the 3DS* Oh, err... Hi there.

So, before you all break my legs, strap me to a log and burn me in a pyre, I can _absolutely justify_ my slacking for the past two months.

...

... Fire Emblem Echoes happened, Played through the StarCraft II Campaigns and I was reading too many pieces of FanFiction... Yea, you can light the pyre now.

Anyways.

Writer's Block is a thing and before I potentially leave you waiting for _another_ two months without any update whatsoever, I decided to be an a-hole and end this chapter on a pathetic cliffhanger... because that's what you do as an author, right? *Get's shot*

On another note, about the **Poll** :

First off, as you all had probably found out by now, I _completely messed it up._ I mean, there are, like, _five_ options for potential teams, but only _one_ for no team at all... and I gave everyone _two votes_ at some point. While 'No Team' Is currently ahead of everything else with 51 votes, the fact remains that not only 107 People voted and the 'Team option'-votes divided by two outnumber the 'No Team option'. Statistically, this would put 51 votes against 58 - so fairly balanced.

I think, for the sake of everyone, I'll try a mix of both: Since I more or less decided to have Rai be babysat by more or less almost every surviving member from Gai's academy classmates (Kurenai, Kakashi, maybe Hayate... ya know, these guys.), I'll have her be trained during the academy years and then throw her into the team placements.

So, instead, I'll open another poll and insert some craziness into that one which may or may not be followed through... Gods, Canon would be _so_ shot to hell if Rai became a Jonin sensei to team 7...

Alright, If I get my behind in gear, then you'll probably see how Hiruzen's utterly one-sided fight with the Demon of Bureaucracy will turn out... And yes, I had exchanged the U in Papyrus for an O... Because my naming-skills are nonexistent.

Alright, I'll finish the new poll and await my punishment. :O

Thank you for reading my ramble.


	7. Arc 1: Inattentive & Bureaucracy

**Mending Bones and Raising Stats**

 _Unattentive_

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing but the products of my own insanity. In other words, I don't own Naruto.

* * *

March

Hiruzen

"What In The Name Of Amon's Tentacle-Beard-"

Hiruzen hadn't had very much contact with the child that had opened the door to his office. In fact, the only somewhat reliable knowledge he possessed about the four year old girl came solely from the reports her (un-)official caretakers and 'babysitters' had filled as well as that one random chance encounter two months ago, back in mid January. From the papers, he knew that the little Kaguya had a good head on her shoulders, had _very_ high potential as a Chakra sensor, could learn _ridiculously_ fast, _had access to the Shikotsumyaku_ and is in the possession of an _untraceable _ storage seal _._

She also was, very politely put, a giant pain in the butt, be it politically, character wise or for the fact that she has a serious case of kleptomania. And let's not talk about the fact that the little menace is able to emit _Killing Intent_ that could be easily mistaken for a demon breaking out of its seal.

With her long, unruly and unkempt white hair - which most-likely never got near any kind of scissor _at all_ \- as well as the attitude she's showing, some tactless individuals might very easily write the frightened Kaguya off as the second coming of Uzumaki Kushina. The same tactless individuals would also add that the only missing traits for her to be the _literal incarnation_ of the red-hot-Habanero would be red hair, a more violent temper, an interest in Fuinjutsu that almost bordered on the verge of manic insanity, her loudly proclaiming to become the first female Hokage one day... and her containing a sealed bijuu inside her gut.

Hiruzen himself gave the thought of her being the _reincarnation_ of Kushina some serious thought. After all, who else would completely disregard the Hokage's presence to stare at a spot mere inches in front of her and shout out some random... creature's (?)... name after opening the office?

...

Which, in turn, reminded him about other oddities in her persona.

For whatever reason, she _always_ wakes up at five in the morning. From what Tokubetsu Jonin Maito Gai, having been promoted barely half a year ago, had written in his reports (and Hiruzen had been able to translate) Rai would start to sleep at eight o'clock in the evening or later - _never_ _earlier_ \- and be unresponsive to _everything_ afterwards. According to the words of Chunin Ebisu, you could literally drop her body on the ground and she wouldn't be disturbed _in the slightest_. To quote his words: "Little Miso-chan would have probably slept through the entirety of the Kyuubi-attack if she had been present."

(The Hokage avoided to think about the possibility that the little girl had been dropped onto the ground _purposefully_.)

He also knew that the little Kaguya had once been awake for _two months_ and not shown any signs of fatigue whatsoever.

And that she was able to talk _flawlessly_ when she was merely _two and a half_ years old.

And that she managed to _walk_ when she was _three months_ old.

And, again, there was the fact that she emitted Killing Intent _when she was barely_ _ **four days**_ _old_.

To put it in the most flowery words possible, Sarutobi Hiruzen recognized a walking pile of Bullshit when he saw one... although, he had thought the same about a certain, silver haired, four year old academy graduate.

...

So, all in all, from the intelligence at his disposal and the very ' _eccentric'_ behavior Hiruzen concluded that the girl was _no_ spy. The girl didn't seem to have _any kind_ of grasp at subtlety - kami, The Professor didn't knew if _she_ _was even aware_ what the word meant.

However, from the fact that she had stared at something invisible directly in front of her, he had a slight suspicion that she _might_ be manipulated by a third party... that, or her second Kekkei Genkai (he was quite certain that the 'untraceable storage seal' is in actuality a bloodline limit) might have something to do with it... both theories would explain her behavior upon entering his office.

With these thoughts out of the way, Hiruzen was about to introduce himself to the youngling... only to find her not standing at the doorframe anymore. Instead, he found her lying curled up in a ball in the room's corner to his right, staring fearfully at the _still existing_ crack in reality on the diagonally opposite corner.

Intriguing.

Since his office's door opens inward, any direct sight to the _paper vomiting_ nuisance would be obscured, but, if one interpreted the girl's outburst as a response to that phenomenon - something she shouldn't have seen upon opening the door, it would seem like she had sensory abilities. However, since she didn't seem like she was panicking _before_ entering the room - in fact, she had been quite annoyed, from what he had heard from the banter between her, Chunin Shiranui Genma and Chunin Tatami Iwashi - he doubted that _'an affinity for (Chakra) Sensory'_ was the correct answer...

 _'Though she_ **is** _hypersensitive to Chakra...'_ Hiruzen couldn't help but think.

... The current behavior was definitely out of character though. That much he could tell with certainty.

Anyways...

"You are definitely an interesting child, Rai-chan."

Hiruzen had accented these words with a light chuckle, consciously fortifying his appearance as a grandfatherly Hokage... but everyone who looked at his eyes knew that they were in the presence of a _God_ among Shinobi - someone who could end your life with the very pipe he uses to smoke with. Hiruzen hadn't earned his title for nothing after all and _most_ people knew and respected that.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SHAMELESS PERVERT!"

... Then again, while Rai most certainly _knew_ , she also wasn't ' _most_ people' - Hiruzen could tell that much. From one blink to another, she had repositioned herself and pressed her back at the far right corner of his study - still as far away from the paper vomiting crack as physically possible - and held her bone spike in the best defensive pose a young, untrained, four year old child could possibly manage to come up with.

In other words, her 'defensive pose' was _**Horrible**_. Even a headless chicken could've done a better job.

And the Hokage would have openly laughed if she hadn't radiated Killing Intent which's intensity was on par with nightmarishly irritated Kunoichi who were in _THAT_ part of the month. It was also on par with the mood of a certain deceased redhead before she utterly demolished her opposition with a frying pan.

(The aged Kage _really_ considered the 'Rebirth' option.)

With that out of the way though, he had also picked up another interesting trait of the little girl.

When the little Kaguya started to emit KI, the aged Kage had automatically answered with a... _noticeable_ burst of his own and fully expected her to flinch and thus shut up. Instead, she hadn't reacted. At all. No eye-twitch, no wincing, no clutching of her head, no cries of agony, not even a raised eyebrow... What would make a steeled war veteran soil their pants, wail in misery and commit Seppuku hadn't even been _acknowledged_ or _noticed_ by the four year old. In this regard, the young girl differed from Kushina: The former Jinchuriki _would have_ noticed it.

(How the redhead would have _reacted_ to it was an entirely different question.)

Hiruzen didn't knew what he should think about that. On one hand, the girl might potentially be immune to the effects of KI, thus making it impossible to intimidate her with it.

On the other hand, she wouldn't be able to sense lethal blows coming her way _normally_ : Every blow with lethal intent, be it from a Genin, Jonin or Bijuu, had a certain amount of KI infused into it and could thus be sensed if one knew what to look for. This is the main reason why sneak attacks against paranoid Shinobi veterans are pretty much guaranteed to fail every time.

For her to be (potentially) unable to sense KI while emitting _incredibly_ potent, albeit unfocused, one herself... The girl would have to unlock her full potential as a Chakra sensor to nullify her weakness, which, in turn, would make her vulnerable to 'being blinded': An over-usage of Jutsu from the opponent can easily contaminate the air with leftover Chakra and disrupt a sensitive sensor's sense of said energy.

 _'Well, her high regeneration factor might balance out her inability to sense KI'_ the Hokage thought absentmindedly. _'If her opponents fail to take her down with one blow, she'll probably just stall them out until her wounds are sufficiently healed.'_

Before Hiruzen could digress any further, he decided to address the Kaguya in the room once again. After all, the whole reason of this 'meeting' was to get a good understanding about her character, her abilities and to decide if her value as a potential asset outweighed her... 'quirks' and the coming political nightmare. "I wouldn't call myself shameless-"

The still-alert girl narrowed her eyes as she interrupted him. "So you're admitting that you're a pervert."

 _'She didn't let me finish. Doesn't respect authority. Informal.'_ "Pray tell, what makes you think that I am a pervert?" Hiruzen decided to humor the little girl for a bit.

The young one's expression didn't change one bit. "The more powerful a male is, the more perverted they are. That's what... Kurenai had said once when she thought no one had listened and I'm inclined to agree with her."

 _'Twisted sense of logic confirmed. Tries to avoid potential punishment by electing a scapegoat._ Can _speak formal.'_ "So, how strong do you think I am then?"

The girl stopped to emit KI entirely as she pondered about that question. _'Easy to distract. Unable to do multiple things at a time?'_ "Well, let's see... your level is one-hundred and thirty-eight numbers higher than mine," _'What?'_ "which means you're getting old. It should've been three levels higher if you hadn't slacked off and, instead, stayed stagnant..."

The Hokage blinked. "What are you talking about?"

The little Kaguya continued as if the village's leader hadn't said anything. "On the other hand, you have trained the three Sannin, which means you must've been tough enough to survive one of Tsunade's punches... or at least one of her finger-flips..." She... began to just stare at him as her voice became more and more silent. "... wish I could see Stats... most likely a lot of investment in Wisdom... maybe some sort of debuff lowers the numbers though... old and all... probably high luck stat, him not getting mauled by females 'n all... lowered vitality through smoking... maybe good dexterity though... lots of information stored in the brain... _kann aber mit einem D-Rang-Jutsu besiegt werden..._ "

 _'Moderate case of insanity confirmed. Speaks gibberish after a time. Over-analyses-'_ Hiruzen halted his analysis as soon as he _sensed_ something... quite peculiar.

When one would think about The Professor, The God of Shinobi or The Hokage, quite a few citizens tend to joke that he knew and forgot more Jutsu than the entire Uchiha clan could possibly manage to copy. In a way, they were right - It is hard to keep all the documented (and undocumented) Techniques memorized, especially if you see them only once. On the other hand, what people tend to _forget_ , he _had an extensive knowledge about Jutsu Theory, (basic)_ medical _expertise,_ he could use _all elemental releases..._ and he knew a lot about _clan specific techniques_.

For example, he had a lot of knowledge about how the Yamanaka's techniques worked, which meant he could recognize when the _flow of Chakra_ in a _person's brain_ showed unnatural activity.

In the case of Rai, the more she seemed to lose herself in her... seemingly senseless ramble, the more Chakra seemed to be amassed in the Chakra Coils around and within her brain. After a while, it would probably resemble a lighthouse among street lanterns if one knew what to look for.

Then, from one moment to the other, the amassed Chakra... _imploded_ into a specific part of the brain... and then the girl jerked up, stopping her senseless rambling dead in their tracks. "Huh? What happened?"

The Hokage refrained himself from answering right away and merely observed the... _spot_ where the amassed energy had 'vanished' into.

It wasn't very big. No one who wasn't adept at Sensing would be able to notice it... and few who _are_ able to do so might as well easily miss it... if they didn't suspect anything unusual.

Hiruzen _did_ suspect something unusual. He was also _more than competent_ at Sensing - his station as the God of Shinobi demanded it from him.

As such, the spot he was _sensing_ stuck out to him like a full moon amongst the night's sky.

A spot that contained _a lot_ of _spiritual energy._

His earlier suspicion of her being controlled by _something_ or someone came to the forefront of his mind again and cemented itself at the discovery of this anomaly... _'But what would they do with_ bread _of all things?'_

Another likely answer for that phenomenon would be that the girl subconsciously... shoved memories in that place, but experienced Shinobi don't tend to take chances... if they don't have to, that is.

All in all, The Sandaime Hokage decided to have an experienced Yamanaka walk through the four-year-old's mind later on. Preferably Yamanaka Inoichi, the current head of T&I. He wanted to know if the little Kaguya was a sleeper agent or, if not, what this... anomaly was all about and the mind reader was more than experienced enough to not leave any lasting damage - despite her being chakra hypersensitive.

 _'On the other hand, if the child insists on being a pain in the behind, I may send her there sooner rather than later.'_

"Uh... aged-grandpa-type-sir? Didn't ya want ta talk ta me? I don't know about you, but that headache is... kinda killin' me..."

 _'The Anomaly may be connected to her headaches. Headaches are confirmed to be connected to her hypersensitivity. Will extensive sensory-training prevent the anomalies from happening?'_ The aged Kage now faced the girl again... who was now seated in front of him, on top of his desk. Quick glances to the left and right confirm that the young Kaguya had unceremoniously shoved the papers to the side to make herself more comfortable on the wooden furniture. _'Irregular mood-swings. Seemingly no knowledge about respectful behavior... or she wants to get a raise from me.'_ "Indeed, I wanted to talk with you about your... kleptomania. It is not often that you meet someone as young as you being adept enough to give mid-level chunin quite the hard time to track them down."

The girl... blinked. "Well... it is... weird to be in the presence of... someone who dumps a lot of information into your face?"

The Hokage continued. "It also came to my attention that you are in possession of an untraceable storage seal, one which lets you store seemingly infinite amounts of any kind of item, be it food, scrolls or clothing."

The girl... blinked again. "Well... so it has?"

 _'Genuine confusion...'_ The aged Kage would've taken a breath from his pipe if he had lit it. Instead, he sighed. "In addition to your achievements during your early childhood, your infrequent usage of advanced terminology and apparent knowledge of a clearly foreign language you, as a four year old, shouldn't have any kind of knowledge of, which is further emphasized by the simple fact that no other person recognizes it... You raised many heads' interest, intrigue and... expectations." Hiruzen proceeded to stare squarely at the child's eyes. "Do you know what that means for you?"

"I'm grounded?"

"... If your guardians decide so, then yes ." The aged Kage lightly shook his head. "But no, that wasn't what I wanted to say." He eyed the seemingly oblivious child critically, a move that made her shift uncomfortably on top of the desk. "Only so many things can be explained as 'genius' or 'the capabilities of a prodigy', but your vast knowledge and... _quite potent Killing Intent_ don't really fit to any of these terms."

The girl crossed her arms and _glared_. "So you're sayin' I'm not quite right in the head. What's that have to do with everything else?"

The Hokage sighed again. "I wouldn't have put it that way, but yes, we believe that you 'are not quite right in the head', but not for the same reasons you may have."

"Well, tell me: Why do you think I'm not right in the head?" While she spoke, he noticed that, while the somewhat irritated girl looked in his direction, her eyes were actually fixated on something half an arm's length in front of her face.

So he stated as much. That and so much more "Your eyes are focused on something that isn't there," the girl snapped to attention, "you talked in a completely foreign language," her eyes _very_ _slightly_ widened at that, "your memories seem to infrequently reset themselves," _that_ seemed to trigger a slightly bigger reaction, seeing that her eyebrows had risen _in recognition_ , "you seem to suffer from some form of mental disorder, if your mood swings are anything to go by," she had the decency to look sheepish after hearing that, "you achieved developmental milestones toddlers your age shouldn't have even _comprehended_ at the time, like walking at three months of age or learning how to read at mere one and a half years after your birth, becoming _perfectly_ literate in the process "the practically adopted child tilted her head to the side, obviously not seeing the problem with that, "and you could emit some of the most potent Killing Intent in the entire village... at age four." The girl scratched her head while the Hokage continued. "These are _some_ of the reasons why _we_ , to quote your words, 'think that you are not quite right in the head'."

"Ah." Acceptance.

...

"So..." the little Kaguya shifted her posture for a bit, dropping a few more papers to the ground in the process, "what's the point of this... _meeting_ now?"

Hiruzen hadn't missed how the little girl had emphasized that word. He had... _higher_ hopes now that _Maito_ Rai became somewhat aware of the importance of this evaluation. The aged man sighed. "To put it bluntly, I wanted to assess myself what kind of person you are. Information conveyed to me through written reports are often... lacking and thus it becomes very likely to get a wrong impression about a person's strengths, weaknesses, personality and... loyalties."

The girl nodded to herself. "Yea, I see why some representatives of the human race might misinterpret another one's behaviors and create more needless problems after that."

The Hokage paused for a few seconds... before he continued his speech. "In this particular case, _your exploits and capabilities_ caused quite a few debates within the last few months." At the girl's confused gaze, the aged Sarutobi elaborated. "The council can't quite decide if you should be incorporated into the Shinobi forces _immediately_ ," Danzo in particular was _absolutely not_ subtle about his plan to send the girl straight into the ROOT program (the fact alone that a ROOT operative had been dispatched in front of her hospital room a few months back was proof enough that the old war hawk had made a _panic move_ \- something entirely unheard of), "if you should enter the academy _immediately,_ " this proposal came from both the Uchiha AND the Hyuuga clans, something _absolutely_ unheard of, "if you should just do _'what the hell you want'_ ," this proposal came from Inuzuka Tsume, "or if you should be send to the T&I division for further questioning, seeing that you... have foreign origins." The last request came from the civilian portion of the council and had been practically unanimously ignored... at first.

Hiruzen was not surprised when he saw no _normal_ reaction from the child. Instead of being either horrified, scared or clueless, she just tilted her head to the side and stared at the leader of the village as if he was the most... _inefficient_ person in the world. "Why are you wasting valuable processing power to determine the future of a single, unruly four year old girl? I'm eighty-five percent certain that there are more pressing concerns, like the possibility for extra funding for whatever research facilities you have, rebuilding of the military forces or if the orphanages should get more funds. You should've just driven a battering ram into my head, cleave through my memories, decide from there what to do with me, do it and be done with it."

An uneven ball of unsigned documents rolled through the Kage's office like tumbleweed would through a vast desert during a moderate sandstorm in the early afternoon.

The aged Hokage stared at the child sitting on top of his desk. "You... do know that your... proposal would have most likely ensured you unimaginable physical and emotional pain, right? In the off-chance that you were a threat to the village, you might've as well never see the light of the day again."

The girl... scoffed. "So? There's a reason why I'm not the leader of the village."

Hiruzen allowed a small smile to appear on his face. "Apart from being far too young to take the hat?"

"... That, too."

The aged Kage nodded in acknowledgement. "Even though we can agree that suicidal, excessively self-sacrificing or overly masochistic tendencies are not the most ideal traits befitting a leader,"

* * *

?

Inside the Shinigami's Stomach, Minato sneezed.

* * *

Rai

"- we can also agree upon that we got off-track. Again."

Huh? There was a topic to begin with?

...

Ah, yes, He just wants to understand me. Well, good luck with that.

The old man's eyes are currently fixing themselves on something invisible _for him_. Well, I can't say I can fault him for that. It _is_ weird if the other person you desperately _try_ to involve in a longer conversation has her gaze and attention fixated on what seems to be seven different status windows at once.

 **[Status] [Inventory - Quest Items] [Social - Groups 'n Parties] [Options -** BGM **] [Tools - Map] [Tools - Depth Meter] [Tools -** _Item Radar_ **] [Tools - Clock] [Skills - Chakra Control]**

Alright, alright, it's _nine_ windows. Weirdly enough, though I was able to turn the silly **World's End** countdown off, I haven't found a way to see (or adjust) the difficulty level _anywhere_... I'm not even sure it exist. I hope I can find a way to look at the difficulty level of the 'game' in order to at least be _somewhat_ prepared. I don't want to laze around just to find out that I'm trapped in a **Lunatic** -Level-kinda safe file. That would be, like... It would be like as if a normal janitor faced Godzilla with a mop. Not quite the odds I want to face against. I want to fall into blissful slumber peacefully, thank you very much.

Sigh.

Moving on from my failure to find things out, I did find out something curious. The Skill **[Chakra Control]** has no Levels. It has _Ranks_. Ranks from E over A to S and... X. X as in a star. Seven Ranks. I wouldn't even have known about them if the other Ranks hadn't been grayed out like that:

E **-D** _X_.

Yes, _somehow_ my Control-Rank is on the second lowest Rank. I have the slight suspicion I achieved that through mindless blasts of Killing Intent-

 ***Ding*  
For guessing something obvious correctly, your abysmal Intelligence increases by 1.**

... Is the game mocking me?

 **For asking questions you could answer yourself, your already disgustingly low Intelligence decreases by 1.**

...

 **For successfully threatening your Kekkei Mora** _ **in the presence of the Hokage**_ **into submission, your prodigious Intelligence increases by 1 again. Your hair looks absolutely gorgeous, by the way.**

Huh, apparently KI can influence the Gamer's Ability. Good to know. Anyways, I had managed to get the second lowest Rank in Chakra Control and, considering it somehow works like a western school's grading system, the **minus** says that I _barely_ managed to get it to Rank D. Otherwise, I can only speculate what it means. It could mean that I am _only_ able to learn D-Rank Jutsus and below... or that, if I want to learn higher ranked stuff, I can _still_ learn them, but they then come with major penalties.

Who knows? Besides the game, that is.

It _does_ say that the Chakra Costs of techniques is multiplied by 4 though. Being curious, I had naturally looked up on the first skill I had ever created to see if it was true.

 **[Project Killing Intent] [Lv.: MAX]**  
 **[Active] [CP/m:** **4** **] [Radius: 5m]** _  
Even the Game submits to the will of thee!_

Enemies 10 Levels lower than you will be **rooted** in place for **6** seconds upon activating this skill.  
 **50%** chance to apply **Fear** -Status to opponents outright. Reduces enemies resistance towards the **Fear** -status effect by 75%. Enemies 10 levels below the user are _guaranteed_ to gain the **Existential Dread** -status effect instead. Lasts as long as **[PKI]** is active or the targets are within range.  
During Combat, Enemies **will** focus on you.  
May affect weaker willed allies if the user pours too much Chakra into the skill.  
 **[ - - - ]**

And lo and behold: It is true. Four years of scaring kindergartners (yes, I'm fully aware they don't exist here in this form), the local populace, Ebisu and countless species of mosquitoes, of which the latter just simply _died_ (friggin' things didn't give any EXP, those A-holes), came all together to one single, _really_ powerful ability. The fact that it maxed at lv. 50 was also a really nice plus. But hey, I already mentioned that a while ago, didn't I?

What's the difference between **Fear** and **Existential Dread**? Well, apparently the first one 'just' causes the enemies to randomly freeze up, miss more punches, throws, slashes and shots, makes them randomly hunker down or run away from you. **Existential Dread** on the other hand...

Well, it's the big, overprotective brother of sister fear. In addition to the stuff mentioned above, the poor saps affected by it may panic _so hard_ that they either start to harm their allies... or themselves. Heck, there's even a chance for them to commit suicide. I'm _so_ gonna abuse that once the taxmen array themselves in front of my door to get at my hard borrowed money. If I ever have any money. No, _once_ I have money.

 _I need friends. Talking to myself will just make me insane... well, more insane than I already am. But it'll definitely make me lonely... and that's just sad. And pathetic. So it's bad. Kinda. Somewhat. Everyone else will probably say it's bad._

"You are not making it easy for me to keep your attention, do you?"

Huh? Ah, yes, the pervert.

Why is _socializing_ a thing again?

"Apparently." Really now, what else could I say here? It's not my fault that the antenna on that one building behind him is more interesting than him... okay, _maybe_ I am at fault here. A little. As minuscule as it can get.

A sigh from the old man kept me from drifting off again. ( _How dare he?_ ) One of his arms moved to a drawer of his desk and... is that a cookie jar? A chocolate cookie jar? Konoha has chocolate cookies? You can find chocolate cookies here? How did I miss that?

"I see I got your attention now," the _evil-doer_ holding _my_ rightful belongings said with his _pure, evil_ grandfather-like voice of _evilness_. "If you cooperate, pay a modicum of attention and tell me about this... untraceable storage seal of yours-"

"Invite: Sarutobi Hiruzen."

There! The old man is shocked! Have to quickly grab the jar!

Poor cookies! Don't worry, you're at a better place now.

* * *

Later 

It is only later that I found out that I was under the effects of a Genjutsu. One that was _supposed_ to be _mildly encouraging_.

Apparently Chakra-Hypersensitivity increases the effects of Chakra-induced illusions tenfold.

The cookies were a lie!

( _And, apparently, I'm insane. Nice to have confirmation of that._ )

( _Hey, if I keep that up, maybe I'll be a Jonin before I set foot out of Konoha. Insanity is a requirement for that position, isn't it?_ )

( _Does that mean Kurenai has some kind of Kekkei Genkai that enables her to become a Jonin_ without _being insane first?_ )

Anyways, once Genma came back from whatever he was doing, I bullied him into giving me a piggy-back-ride and, befitting my station as the only _currently-to-me-known_ Reincarnate with cross-gender-conundrums (Indra, Asura and whoever Hamura's children are/were _so do not count_ ), told him in the most serious manner I as a four year old _definitely-not-childish_ child could muster:

"Uncle, there's a barely alive fox puppy in the stowage- storaw- that thing I put all the stuff in. Can we go to the home of that one woman with the large eye-patch-wolf - ya know, the one that yells at dad every now and then - and feed it to the dog puppies?"

Seconds later, a very, very, _very_ pale Genma _body-flickered_ to an Inuzuka-veterinarian and _demanded_ that I hand the kit over to a very confused old lady with red triangles on her cheeks.

Confusion quickly morphed into horror.

I like animals.

I like cookies even more.

 ***Ding***

 **] - Congratulations - [**

Thanks to your hard efforts, countless sacrifices and abuse of the Party-System,  
Your Level increased by **11**

 **] - - - [**

 _What?_ Eleven Levels? HOW?

...

Wait a bit... I had invited the aged Hokage... Yea, it even says so if I open the Party-Menu-thing. And whatever he's doing earns _me_ EXP. Whatever he had done gave _me_ ten-and-a-half or eleven- **thousand** EXP.

I'm Level **13** now.

I just got **fifty-five** Intelligence-points for free.

...

HELL YES! AFK-farming is real! I never have to do a thing again!

"Do you hear that?"

Huh? Genma's scanning the surroundings. I don't know what kind of information he'll get from looking at the veterinarian's white house walls, but hey, I'm the only one here who isn't a certificated assassin.

But... I kinda guess why uncle's doing what he's doing... possibly? Since, well... The earth is shakin', the sound wall is breakin', one can hear the fearful screams of middle-aged women as they herd their children into the bomb shelters masquerading as their houses-

 **] - Warning - [**

 **A Youthful Presence rapidly approaches your position.  
Impact in: 5m 37s**

 **] - - - [**

 _ **"YooOOOUUUUUTH!"**_

 **] - Warning - [**

You gained a large amount of strength and experience in a very, _very_ short time.  
Your adoptive father noticed your  
rapid growth and will most definitely start  
your conditioning once he reaches your position.

Don't ask how he knows.  
Don't ask how your Kekkei Mora knows.  
Don't ask how **I** know.  
Trust us on this, you **don't** want to know!

But you have our condolences.

This message had been sent by  
 _The Remains of your Sanity_

Goodbye

 **] - - - [**

...

I asked for that, didn't I?

"Maito Miso Shiitake Rai," a very, _very_ pale Genma began to choke out, "What. Have you. Done. This time?"

How do you answer that? "Uh... I became intellismarter in a way that doesn't make sense whatsoever and my adoptive father felt that as a Divergence in the Youth?"

...

...

"You said that word."

"I said that word."

"You are doomed."

"I know, uncle."

"I'll... stay here until your... pet recovers."

"You are such a nice uncle, uncle."

 _Goodbye, sanity._

Wait a minute- "Genma? there's still a bone sticking out of my hand. How do I get rid of it?"

Something heavy crashed on top of my head...

* * *

 **Canon-'Bonus'**

(Sarutobi Hiruzen and the Demon of Bureaucracy)  
or  
( _Increasing your odds_ )

* * *

Hiruzen

' _By the Sage, that had taken a long time._ '

Windows. Techniques. Status Points. Passive Abilities. Numbers. Numbers Everywhere!

Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Professor, the God of Shinobi, was too old for this. He was _far too old_ for this!

 **] - Alert - [**

 **An ancient Evil of unfathomable proportions will reach your position in:  
120 Seconds**

 **Prepare yourself, Third Kage of Konoha!**

 **] - - - [**

When Sarutobi Hiruzen had cast one of the _most unnoticeable and definitely one of the weakest_ Genjutsus in his arsenal at the little Kaguya to make her more agreeable with sharing her knowledge of the 'Untraceable Storage Seal', he had been caught completely off guard when a little blue, two dimensional box materialized itself out of nowhere and asked him if he would like to 'Join the **Dark Side** 's Party'. He had been caught even more off guard when even more boxes had shown up after he had, still not fully recovered from mild shock, actually confirmed by pressing on that highlighted " **Y** es". Said boxes had then put him through a literal crash course of the general capabilities the girl's **Kekkei** **Mora** , what he _as a Guest-Player_ (whatever that meant) was _authorized_ to do now since he had been accepted into _her_ _party..._ and how to invest so called _Status Points_ in a so called _Status Screen_ to _Status Values_. Not only that, whatever the girl had done to him also gave him preemptive knowledge of so called _Enemies_ that would _initiate combat_ within the very near future.

To say it was a mess would be like mentioning the water was wet.

On the other hand, it was also highly intriguing.

Apparently every person, every item and every _enemy_ had a so called _Level_. The _Level_ of his (moderately concealed) Guard ranged from forty-seven to eighty-four. The Level of his secretary was a solid seventy-five, which, unsurprisingly, hadn't surprised the God of Shinobi in the slightest, given that he had to thank her for delivering all the _mountains_ of paperwork into his office. Only fools would believe her to be a 'mere civilian'.

(Then again, who would actually think about the mere possibility of a henge'd shadow clone of Nara Yoshino to be his secretary?)

Long story short, whatever All-Encompassing Bloodline Maito Rai possessed, it had made a darn good attempt at making him _mad_. _Mad_ as in the definition of crazy.

Fortunately for the Hokage, he had seen far more mad and crazy things in his life than he was comfortable knowing of. In fact, _this_ was merely a mild case of crazy compared to whatever in the world his Students had gotten themselves into back in the days...

 _'Ah, the good old days...'_

After recovering from being rudely surprised, Hiruzen had... _studied_ the 'Status Page' or whatever it was a bit more, tapped on the _Values_ labeled STR, WIS and all the others, let the boxes explain what exactly they meant and... had started to think.

Apparently the _Status Values_ were a numerical representation of his overall physical and mental limits. Considering his advanced age, his VITality and DEXterity were what he presumed to be quite good, with both of them being above two-hundred-and-fifty each. His AGIlity was relatively low, beneath one-hundred-and-fifty to be exact, and he blamed that solely on his... advanced age. His mental _Values_ on the other hand seemed to be quite high though, with his WISdom just sixteen points short of five-hundred. His STRength _Value_ came as quite a surprise, since it was also just a few points short of five hundred. Not only that, it appeared that Hiruzen was in possession of seven-hundred-and-ten unspent points which he could apparently invest as he pleased.

Though Hiruzen wasn't quite sure if the representation of his capabilities were actually _correct_ , he _had_ felt a smile creeping on his face the more and more he thought about his apparent accomplishments...

That is, until he saw his Luck- _Value_.

Or, to be more precise, he didn't... since there was just a simple vertical line where a number should have been.

The implication was quite an eye opener for the Third Hokage.

He had lost his teacher _because he had no Luck._

He had to lead two wars _because he had no Luck._

He had lost his successor _because he had no Luck._

He had lost his wife _because he had no Luck!_

He had to deal with absurd amounts of paperwork _because he had no Luck!_

His life was going downhill _because he had no Luck!_

Logically, that was the first thing which Hiruzen decided to correct... By investing _all seven-hundred-and-ten points into it!_

(Fifty Wisdom-Points were lost after committing that action.)

But he digressed.

Fact was: Maito Rai had access to a very confusing, but (most likely) very powerful All Encompassing Bloodline _in addition_ to the Shikotsumyaku. Said girl is also able to store seemingly infinite amounts of mass in an 'Inventory' and share what appears to be a 'weaker' version Kekkei Mora with whichever person she wants to. Add in the ability to monitor the 'Status' of other persons - be they allies or not - _and_ the (limited) premonition the Bloodline provided, plus her potential as a Chakra Sensor... the little Kaguya could _easily_ become a force to be reckoned with before she hit puberty.

And fortunately, thanks to careful planning on his part (not) Hiruzen wouldn't have to worry about wasting her potential. Chunin Ebisu was a Master in the basic Ninja Arts, Chunin Shiranui Genma could rival most Uchiha's with his aim and precision and Tokubetsu Jonin Maito Gai already became known as the best Taijutsu practitioner within the Land of Fire. Furthermore, the three of them had good connections to a budding Genjutsu Mistress by the name of Yuhi Kurenai, a budding Kenjutsu Specialist in Gekko Hayate and the last surviving member of Minato's students, Kakashi Hatake.

The girl _will_ be a powerhouse. A crazier-than-usual powerhouse, but a powerhouse none the less.

But he digressed. Again.

 **] - Alert - [**

 **An ancient Evil of unfathomable proportions will reach your position in:  
5 seconds.**

 **Prepare yourself, Third Kage of Konoha!**

 **] - - - [**

Whatever the girl's Kekkei Mora exactly was, it came with another, quite more important... ability.

 **4**

For, you see, it allowed Hiruzen to _travel through_ that one giant nuisance in the corner of his office... the one that had spilt _so much more_ unnecessary piles of outdated documents onto his desk!

Yet on the other side, he found a sight that would haunt his dreams for many nights to come.

 **3**

Buildings made of drawers. Towers made of broken desks. Pavement made of faulty documents. Pot plants made of file folders. Rivers filled with ink. Trees made of trash bins and shredded papers for leaves. Sticky Notes on broken pens substituting for flowers. And in the middle of all, a Coffee Machine buried beneath the remains of thousands of paper mugs.

 **2**

He himself was in a plaza of sorts, a wide, circular area surrounded by high stacks of paper, even bigger _buildings_ of file folders. The air smelled of dry, forgotten papers and even dryer ink.

 **1**

The ground began to shake violently. Paper-stacks toppled over, ink-rivers spilled over, a gigantic vortex of documents formed itself... dust, documents and ink were caught within...

 ***plop***

And then, just as fast as it came, it stopped.

" _Skree!_ "

A pill bug had manifested itself.

A big pill bug had manifested itself.

A big pill bug with a shell of paper, some overgrown mandibles and eyes of dried ink had manifested itself within a gigantic vortex.

A big pill bug made of paper glared at _him_ , _The Third Hokage, The Professor, The God of Shinobi._

Hiruzen stared down at the cat-sized bug with absolute disbelief clearly written on his face. _That_ was the source of all his paperwork problems? _That thing_ had created all these outdated papers?

 **Paper Isopod [Lv.: 25]**

He doubted it. Hiruzen really, really doubted it.

" _Skree!_ "

The Hokage blasted it with Killing Intent.

The bug spat ink back at his face.

Hiruzen stepped to the right and let the literal _geyser_ of ink hit the wall behind him. He idly noted that the thing had a hard time controlling the... _beam_ of ink and, for all that it was worth, wasn't able to follow his quicker movements... which was surprising, given that the Hokage's Agility was his weakness.

Well... given that he could circumvent that 'weakness' quite easily just by enhancing his legs with a bit of chakra or, if push came to shove, use either a Body Flicker or the Kawarimi (Body Replacement Technique) it wasn't _that_ much of a weakness, especially since he was able to use both of them without handseals... though, the usage of at least _one_ handseal significantly enhanced his control.

So all in all, that little bug couldn't hit him just by spitting ink at him.

 _ ***Boom***_

On the other hand, creating _**Explosive Seals**_ just by spitting at a surface _did_ rise the threat level of the little bugger by quite a margin.

But before the thing had time to adjust its aim and start to spit ink at him again, Hiruzen found it prudent to introduce its apple-sized head to the tip of one of his kunai. The sound of ripping and hissing papers was music to his ears...

 _'Wait, hissing?_ '

Thanks to an ingrained instinct earned from his attendance during the First Great Shinobi War the Hokage already had jumped away from the definitely-dead creature _before_ that thought had fully registered in his head. None too soon as markings on the _paper-corpse_ started to show themselves and began to glow in a very foreboding orange tone...

The explosion radius was small, but loud, blinding and it left a _perfectly spherical_ hole where once a paper abomination had been.

 _'An ink spitting Paper Pill-Bug who can draw working seals at long distances_ and _it explodes upon death.'_

" _Skree!_ " " _Skree!_ "

The old man slowly turned around. "And there are... more of them."

Indeed, there were two more of these little, disgusting creatures, all of them glaring at them with extreme prejudice. However, much to the Hokage's annoyance, the two of them had a big brother - quite literally, since the 'big brother' height seemed to be around one-and-a-half times as big as Hiruzen's.

 **Giant Paper Isopod [Lv.: 40]**

A massive creature, indeed, but the increased mass suggested that while it was most definitely exponentially tougher to take down than it's little cousins and was most definitely stronger, it _should_ have more problems in adjusting its aim.

 _ **"Skra**_ _aee!_ _ **"**_

The Hokage lit his pipe and put it into his mouth while simultaneously jumping backwards over the impact zone of a stream of high-pressurized ink the big bug started to spit out. The small paper insects on the other hand curled into balls and rolled out, not following Hiruzen but, instead, heading to the... ink scribbles the ink had left behind.

Still mid-jump, Hiruzen noted that the ink scribbles glowed a menacing purple.

Gravity shifted.

The Professor raised an eyebrow as he, instead of landing twenty feet away, found himself back on his starting position, right as the little, orange glowing suicide-bugs arrived.

An one-handed Snake-Seal and a Great Breakthrough later, two glowing paper-corpses collided with their big, living cousin and flooded it in a bright, fiery explosion. Hiruzen was pleased when the overgrown pest shrieked towards the grey, paper-y heavens, but he also noted that the big bug was _considerably_ more resilient than the little ones.

A one-handed Tiger Seal, a Great Fireball and an explosion that left a five foot long, _smooth_ , circular crater behind took care of this little problem while spitting a bullet of water at the seal he stood on top of let him roam unoccupied once again. Hiruzen put his pipe back into his mouth. This was _far too easy_ for his liking. Investing over seven hundred points in Luck couldn't have made _that_ much of a difference, could it?

The telltale rumbling caused by what seemed to be an enormously massive beast seem to confirm his suspicion. A pity. While it wouldn't have been reasonable, he none the less would've had preferred to have been done with this... inconvenience and (finally) go to bed, but there was only so much to do when you were apparently trapped in a lookalike of your worst nightmare. The shifting of large stacks of paper, the splattering of ink rivers and, again, the telltale rumbling caused by what seemed to be an enormously massive beast all originated from _something_ behind his back.

The old Kage let out a puff of smoke. So long as the next pill bug wasn't the size of the Kyuubi, which he highly doubted, Hiruzen would be fine. All he would need to do was to spit some fire at his opposition - for paper was highly inflammable last he checked - and he could back... and ensure that his crystal ball wasn't... _malfunctioning_.

A _definitely not perverted_ grin spread across his face as he turned around-

The pipe fell to the ground.

His grin followed shortly after.

Hiruzen looked up.

And up.

And up.

And up.

His neck threatened to bust when he couldn't move his head further backwards to glance even further upwards.

Before him was a wall. A white wall. A _wide_ wall, fifty _meters_ , if he saw right. Made of paper. It had two sets of spikes on it. Spikes that wiggled. On top of this wall was another wall with the same shape and form. And on top of the second wall, there was a third one. So was a forth one on the third. And so on and so forth...

Except, the papery wall was, at closer inspection, papery carapace, the spikes were legs, the top wall was a papery head with a pair of mandibles and two gigantic, insect-like _scythes_ as 'arms'...

 **The Demon of Bureaucracy  
The Titan of Ink and Paper  
Papyros  
[Lv.: 70]**

 **"** _ **SKROAAA!**_ **"**

And that papery, stupidly gigantic Earthworm-Centipede-Hybrid was about to vomit ink at him.

(He senses a pattern there.)

It came to the Hokage's attention that the gigantic, mutated centipede had, contrary to the smaller inhabitants of this realm, multiple dozen pairs of good, inky eyes and was quite the sharpshooter to boot. Not only that, but the ink blasts were _fast_. Fast enough that Hiruzen had to actively channel chakra into his legs to properly dodge the bursts of ink coming out of the Titan's maw.

Bursts of ink that carved Sage-forsaken knee-deep _runes_ into the papery ground below.

The aged Sarutobi had to admit, the ability to create efficient and functional seals by simply _spitting_ at the ground was an impressive feat he had never heard of. To his knowledge, not even the Usumaki had thought about such a way of dishing out pain and suffering. Minato would have had a field day if he had ever come to such a ridiculous idea. Hell, for all he knew, Kushina would have _adopted_ this abomination into the Uzumaki clan and use its creativity to create Ramen from thin air.

When Hiruzen was about to jump to his right in order to escape another blast of ink aimed directly at his head, he was quite displeased to find out that, after two seals had lit up, a wall of ink and paper had grown out of the ground and blocked his escape path.

Correction: A wall made of ink and _triggered explosive tags_ blocked his escape path.

Furthermore, gravity itself began to shift and the God of Shinobi found himself propelled towards the wall.

The aged Sarutobi formed a Snake Seal. **"Futon: Great Breakthrough!"**

The wall didn't bulged an inch, but that wasn't what Hiruzen was going for: The knockback of a **Great Breakthrough** proved not only to be strong enough to counteract the 'gravitation seal' (or whichever kind of seal was used to mimic the effects of gravity), it actually 'catapulted' him out of the 'scribbled areas'.

The explosion left a big, perfectly circular hole within the ground.

Speaking of the 'scribbled areas': The Giant Bug seemed to completely ignore Hiruzen in favor of carving an assortment of seals into the ground in a hundred meter long radius around it... ' _Or were it three-hundred-and-thirty feet? By the Sage, why wouldn't The Land of Stone switch over to the metric system?_ ' Be as it may, the overgrown Centipede had already covered a quarter of a circle.

Well, if that overgrown insect thought he could leave The God of Shinobi out of its sight and get away with it, well, so be it. Only a fool would've stand still and let his enemy prepare without taking advantage of it.

 **Ram, Horse, Snake, Dragon, Rat, Ox, Tiger  
Katon: Fire Dragon Flame Bullet**

Three blazing streams formed imitations of fiery dragons and flew straight into the torso of the enemy, vanishing on impact and leaving a gaping, burning wound in the monstrosity. Said monster stopped vomiting ink in favor of thrashed around wildly and fixing it's gaze back on the Hokage.

Said aged man took a curious glance at a small green bar that had materialized itself on top of the Centipede's head and was quite surprised that he was able to, for a lack of a better word, 'read' information out of it.

 **Papyros [70]  
HP: 97.9% / Burn**

Hiruzen's eyes twitched at that. He _understood_ that the green bar represented the creature's health, but that his technique, one that is able to turn a trained ninja into ashes within seconds, merely 'scratched' that thing... Even though it was made of paper and thus more vulnerable to fire...

 _ **"SKRII!"**_

The aged Sarutobi winced slightly at the high pitched and loud tone of the insect's cry and prepared himself to cast a Shunshin if it was needed to evade another stream of ink. However, none of this vile substance descended from the heavens as, instead, the creature opted to vomit crude... spheres of paper and ink. Spheres that hit the ground before reforming into...

 _"Skree!"_

... a papery pill bug?

 _"Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!"_

Ah, _eight_ papery pill bugs. Eight weak, papery pill bugs that started to spit ink everywhere and cover the grounds in seals to deny him save grounds to safely evade to.

 _"Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!" "Skree!"_

And the big centipede was continuously spitting more of them out, all in batches of eight.

Hiruzen was about to flood the entire area with a sea of flames when a... better idea came to the forefront of his mind. He just had to reposition himself correctly.

And so he leaped in front of a group of eight bugs.

 **"Futon: Great Breakthrough!"**

The strength of the gales obliterated the bug's defenses and catapulted their now glowing corpses right at the massive form of the centipede, covering part of its carapace in a cloud of fiery explosions!

 **96.7% - 96.2% / Burn**

It... barely did a thing. Furthermore, from what the Hokage could see, the smoldering burn-mark on the creature's body had hurt the creature more than the barrage with its own subordinates. On the other hand, there were still fifty-six more of the tiny buggers clicking and spitting around. And considering that they continue to sabotage his means of escape-

 _ **"SKRAAII!"**_

Something... _massive_ sailed right over his head.

It hit the ground a couple dozen meters behind him and exploded in a mushroom cloud of ink and papers, leaving nothing but a fifteen feet wide pool of ink behind.

And out of it, one of the giant versions of these papery pill bugs emerged.

...

 _'To hell with this.'_

Hiruzen had seen enough. Whenever possible, he preferred to observe his opponents first and probe at them with a few jutsu and/or a quick exchange in Taijutsu to further analyze their capabilities and their preferred way of fighting.

The overgrown Centipede could survive a B-ranked Jutsu with ease, even though the creature was quite weak to the technique's element. It was very intelligent, for it managed to use its obvious signature attack in such a way to carve _Seals_ into the very ground he stood upon and it was wise enough to conjure backup instead of fighting its significantly smaller opponent head-on.

On the other hand, the insect had a hard time _connecting_ with its nimble and resourceful target and occupied far too much of its time with preparations: The Hokage could either set the entire battlefield aflame or cover it with a layer of water to render the seals either useless or trigger them beforehand. Not only that, but the creatures it summoned to its aid exploded upon death could be launched back at their creator with a 'mere' gust of wind.

 **Katon: Ash Pile Burning**

With that being said, it was time to end this drawn out fight and to put the signature technique of his wayward son to good use. Burning through almost all of the tobacco within his pipe, he inhaled deeply, mixed the inhaled smoke with _a lot_ chakra and exhaled, covering the entirety of the battlefield _and_ the mind-bogglingly giant creature in a cloud of highly ignitable _gunpowder_ and, _by the Sage,_ _Body-Flickered away!_

(Hiruzen never saw the explosion as the dust connected with the still burning part of Papyros' body.)

(The deafening **Bang** and the resulting **shockwave** did manage to _almost_ topple him though.)

The previously Fuinjutsu-rigged ground had been incinerated. Seemingly endless hordes of pill bugs previously vomited out of the 'boss' had combusted. The ink rivers ceased their existence. The general temperature of the air within this realm had risen by at least six dozen degrees. Piles of government approved documents were annihilated.

And **everything** was on fire.

A good mile away from the blazing carnage, Hiruzen watched as the literal spire of flames slowly, but surely consumed the personification of all Kage, a smirk befitting a twelve year old pyromaniac proudly displayed on his face. Sixty-one years old and he still got it.

Sure, his reserves were down to one fourth of his maximum capacity, but this was still worth it, in his humble opinion.

Then the ground exploded.

The creature definitely had seen better days. Most of its papery exoskeleton had giant, glowing cracks in it, its eyes were nothing more than sockets of blazing coals made of (and fueled by) pure hatred, a good eighty percent of the centipede-earthworm-hybrid's legs were charred away...

And it was _mad_.

And it charged it's scythes, mandibles and entire body mass directly against the God of Shinobi.

 _And_ the thing was also _somehow_ using a technique that could rival the speed of the Body Flicker Technique.

 **Papyros [70]**  
 **Hp: 94.2% - 6.4%** **/ Burn / Berserk**

Oh, had he mentioned that the insect was on fire?

On the plus side, overloading his son's signature technique definitely paid off. Hiruzen would have preferred to have ignited it with a _Great Fire Dragon_ to increase the latter's strength tenfold, but he hadn't accounted for the burning patch of ignited papers. He was lucky to not have been caught within the explosion himself.

...

The worm-like creature, for it had, besides the mandibles and scythes, not enough appendages remaining to make it identifiable as a centipede, charged over and over again, all forms of self preservation thrown aside, caught in an everlasting whirlpool of vengeance and rage. In theory, all Hiruzen would have to do to end this beast was to wait and evade it's attacks, for the ignited beast would turn to ashes within the coming ten minutes.

 **"Katon: Fire Dragon Flame Bullet"**

 **"SkRII** Iii... **"**

Or he could pour five times as much chakra into the **Fire Dragon Flame Bullet** and end it now.

 **] -** **VICTORY!** **\- [**

His vision filled with bright, white light...

* * *

Hokage Office

 ***Thud***

"Ugh..."

With a start, Sarutobi Hiruzen awoke, eyes darting around in search of any possible opposing force.

He found himself within the confines of his office, stacks after stacks after stacks _after stacks_ of to-be-signed papers aligned in front of his desk. His four ANBU-Guards were still in their hiding places, but seemed to be at the verge of a mental breakdown. And the hole in the world...

...

It was gone.

Well, not entirely, but one had to know what one was looking for. Instead of a gaping rift, it was now more akin to a tiny tear on paper, almost not noticeable. Hiruzen would've thought he had fallen asleep while working, weren't it for his severely depleted reserves... and a white and black Storage Scroll _entirely_ made of paper on top of his desk. The words 'Sarutobi Hiruzen's Loot-Scroll' were proudly displayed on its side.

Now that was unusual.

Not giving it a second thought, the Third Hokage grabbed the scroll and prepared to burn it in his palms. Instead, as soon as chakra came in contact with the scroll, it _vanished_ , leaving a pile of... items behind. Thirty-six bottles of high quality ink, two _normal_ Jutsu-Scrolls, a replica of the centipede's head, _a large_ _ **mountain**_ _of Ryu-bills_...

And a kitten-sized, living pill-bug made of paper.

Said insect made a clicking sound akin to a yawn, glanced around... and fixed its gaze on the absurd amounts of stacks of documents.

Within the blink of an eye, it had jumped on top of a paper tower.

Then it started eating.

Rapidly.

From time to time, the... _thing_ would shove documents, mission requests and/or reports onto his desk, _somehow_ pile them up into a perfect stack.

It had barely taken two minutes, but the absurd amount of documents stacked in front of his desk had been reduced to _one single,_ _ **manageable**_ _pile_. To top it off, the _heavenly creature_ ... pooped out several summaries of complains, sorted by severance, importance... and 'Naruto'.

The bug looked (rightfully) smug.

The ANBU-guards, still hidden, stared at it with disbelieve.

Hiruzen himself blinked. Twice. Thrice.

Then he grabbed the bug and started to pet it as if it was nothing more than a paperwork decimating kitten.

And he smiled.

* * *

 **Author's Notes**

* * *

Heya.

 _*get's shot*_

Ouch... So, I mentioned that I would try my best to _not_ keep you waiting for "another two months" or so in the last chapter? Well... as everyone can see, that didn't work so well. Sorry to keep you waiting for **eight or nine months! T_T**

I had... massive problems with this chapter and I doubt I did a good job with it, especially the 'Fight-Scene' in the second part. In fact, this entire chapter lacks a lot in quality. I'm sorry. :(

Anyways, let me try to preemptively answer a question that will most certainly be asked at some point or another:

 **How the heck did ONE TECHNIQUE do such absurd amounts of Damage when the Fire Dragon Flame Bullet did so little?**  
Answer:  
Papyros is a Giant Centipede-earthworm-hybrid. His body consists of hundred 'segments' that can either be targeted individually or, if you use AOE-attacks, as a group. Fifty Segments were visible and thus could be targeted.  
The 'Ash Pile Burning' or 'Burning Ash Pile' - or whatever you wanna call it - covered said fifty segments before it got ignited.  
Fire is very effective against Paper. (Triple Damage)  
I'll post the Stats of both Hiruzen and Papyros - as well as two of their techniques each - at the end of this **AN**.

And yes, Hiruzen solo-ed a Raid Boss.

Anyways, that will be the end... of this **AN** , that is. So far, the current results of the " **new" Poll** demand that Rai becomes a Jonin Sensei, followed by her playing "real-Life"-Minecraft to ensure the Survival of Canon and Overpowering the entire Rookie-Nine (or Rookie 27, should I actually go through with the plan to get the entire class to graduate Lot's of OCs that'll never get mentioned afterwards again in that scenario.).  
In order for her to become a Sensei, she would have (to be forced) to skip school, something I'm inclined to do simply to get the non-existent plot going. I think we all want the little four year old to finally, _finally_ do something other than act like a total brat, namely her attending Gai's Youthful Fitness Acceleration Regime (GYFAR, or Gefahr, the German word for danger, risk, peril, hazard, jeopardy and/or threat... man, I just pulled that out of my behind, but darn, that's more than fitting).

Well, then, see ya next time. :O

And thank you for reading my ramble.

* * *

 **Stats**

* * *

Maito "Kaguya" Rai

Lv.: 13

HP: 1525 (114.38/min)  
CP: 437,5 / 437,5 (3.51/min)  
STR: 23 / VIT: 55  
DEX: 15 / AGI: 9  
INT: 98 / WIS: 37  
Luck: 1

* * *

Sarutobi Hiruzen

Lv.: 142

HP: 7150 (4.92/min)  
CP: 13230 / 3307,5 (30.26/min)  
STR: 482 / VIT: 262  
DEX: 256 / AGI: 138  
INT: 372 / WIS: 434  
Luck: 710

Featured Techniques

 **[Ash Pile Burning]** **[Lv.: 10 (MAX)]  
[Initial CP-Cost: 50] [CP/s: 5] **  
Creates a cloud of Gunpowder that deals 13020 Points of damage to every poor soul within it once ignited. If Ignited with a Jutsu, THAT Jutsu's power is multiplied by 5.  
Damage=INT * JutsuLV * 3.5

 **[Fire dragon Flame Bullet] [LV.: 10 (MAX)]  
[Initial CP-Cost: 100] [CP/s: 10]**  
 **[Attacks/s: 8x3]**  
Creates three flaming Dragons. The Heads deal more damage than the bodies.  
Damage (Head): 1860x3  
Damage (Head)=((INT * JutsuLV/10) * 5) * 3  
Damage (Body): 465x21  
Damage (Body)=((INT * JutsuLV/10) * 1.25) * 21

 **[Chakra Compression] [Rank:B]**  
Chakra-Capacity is multiplied by **4**

* * *

Papyros

Lv.: 70

HP: 2175000 (1513.80/min)  
CP: 14775 (117.93/min)  
STR: 1160 / VIT: 86998  
DEX: 470 / AGI: 25  
INT: 1560 / WIS: 1220  
Luck: 0

Featured Techniques

 **[Ink Geyser] [Lv.: 7]**  
 **[CP/s: 10]**  
 **[Attacks/s: 10]**  
A continuous stream of Ink assaults the enemy, dealing up to 2980 Damage per second. Requires both physical and mental strength. Allows one to create working seals at range.  
Damage=((STR + INT) /2 * (1+JutsuLv/10)) /8

 **[Ink Cannon] [Lv.: 7]  
[CP-Cost: 500]  
**Papyros Only. Five seconds Cast Time. Ignores armor. Creates a large sphere of pressurized ink that explodes upon contact. Cannot create Seals. May summon a Giant Paper Isopod. Deals 6902 points of Damage.  
Damage=((STR + INT) /2 * (1+JutsuLv/10)) * 4

 **[Cleaving Lunge] [Lv.: 7]  
** **[CP-Cost: 150]**  
One Second Cast Time. A long-range lunge that deals 4118 points of Damage to everything and everyone in your way. Requires the user to either have mandibles, claws or to be equipped with blades weapons.  
Damage=STR*(2.5+Jutsu-Lv/10*1,5)

* * *

Status Effects

 **[Burn]**  
Reduces Health Regeneration by 75% and reduces the effectiveness of Healing Techniques received by 25%.  
If the target consists of burnable materials, like wood or paper, Health regeneration is disabled and they'll also lose **1%** of their health every minute.

 **[Fear]**  
Reduces accuracy and increases the chances to make 'panic-moves' such as hunkering down, fleeing out of cover or freezing up.

 **[Existential Dread]**  
Makes the affected target think the Apokalypse has come. The Affected may panic in such a way that they attack their comrades or themselves. Small chance that the Affected One commits suicide.

* * *

Man, I played far too much Wind Waker and Borderlands 2. :/


End file.
